The New Hampshire Gazette And Historical Chronicle

AN ESSAY ON MATRIMONIAL HAPPINESS.

THE summum bonum of human life being placed by the generality of mankind in the possession of a valuable woman, and marriage being so universally reckoned the principal source of our felicity or unhappiness, it would be well worth the care of a prudent man to make a strict examination into the character of the lady who is the object of his wishes, before he commences a connexion for life, and to be as attentive to the perfections of her mind, as solicitous about the charms of her face.

Yet though the necessity for such a circumspection is allowed by every man, it is practised but by very few. The moment a fine pair of eyes have made an impression upon our hearts, adieu common sense! Farewell understanding! An ambition to please is the only object of our consideration; and we are no sooner convinced of the beauties of the face, than we run in credit for the virtues of the heart: and from wishing that our favourite object might be mistress of every amiable qualification, we never think of making any trial, but foolishly imagine that in reality she is.

There is in love a fascinating something, that makes the very errors of the favourite lady appear as so many agreeable attractions, and renders us totally blind to her follies and imperfections. Your true lover will condemn an indifferent woman for loquacity, if she speaks but half a dozen words; yet he can hear his own charmer prattle like a magpie, and very little more to the purpose, without once thinking the young hussey is impertinent or troublesome. The most common-place observation in her he looks upon as a stroke of the brightest wit; he gives the appellation of gaiety to her noise, spirit to her rudeness, elegance to her affectation, understanding to her ill humour, greatness of soul to her prodigality, discretion to her avarice, sprightliness to her irreligion, and satire to her malevolence: In short your true lover is, negatively speaking, deaf, dumb, and blind.

He can hear nothing to her prejudice, say nothing to her disadvantage. In love every one of us is infected with an unaccountable delirium in the mind; our reason is disturbed, our judgment is perverted, our spirit dejected, our resolution broken, our tranquility lost, and, as Gomez says, in the Spanish Fryar, "The Lord have mercy upon us written upon all our houses."

About three years ago, gentlemen, I was as arrant a puppy of this cast, as ever wounded the bark of a harmless tree, or penned an insipid acrostic. I talked of gods and goddesses, of dryads and hamadryads, of fauns and satyrs, and fifty other heathenish personages, and that to a degree, that you would absolutely have taken me for an infidel by my conversation. I need not tell you that my charmer was the finest creature in the universe: I would not at that time have refused the sacrament upon it; though since we have been married, I am not altogether so positive in my opinion. Many a morning have I rose with the sun to write a letter which I never sent; and many a winter's evening have I froze before her house, in a profound admiration of the window shutters. The very knocker at the door had an air of elegance superior to any thing of the kind I had ever seen: and I contracted an insuperable aversion to iron palisades, because I saw nothing but wooden rails before the temple of my divinity.

After whole ages of languishing, kneeling, swearing, grunting and groaning, with an innumerable heap of et cetera's, which form the system of modern adoration, the sun, moon, stars & all the rest of the lover's acquaintance, smiled, as Dr. Smollett emphatically phrases it, upon our "heaven directed union." I don't recollect, indeed, that any portents or prodigies made their appearance upon the happy morning: Nature continued in her ordinary course, and the elements favoured us with no other marks of their attention than a loud storm, and a hearty shower of rain, which, by the by, are not very uncommon in the middle of January.

Married however I was; and married I now am: But as I shan't take up your time with relation of the particular circumstances that have gradually lessened my affection; Suffer me to lay a journal of a few hours before you, which, as there are no great vicissitudes in our manner of living, may be considered as the journal of the whole year. You will please to call it A Lesson for a LOVER; Or a modern Picture of Matrimonial Happiness.

Wednesday, 9 o'clock--Got up, found my wife sitting by the parlour fire--Wonders how I can lie in bed so long, when I do nothing but sleep the whole night--Angry at my beard, and enquired who mended the hole in my last pair of stockings--Read the Royal Chronicle for the preceding Evening--

Mem. My wife hates that paper, and vows it engroses my whole attention.

10. Eat one bit of toast and butter--My wife, offended at the smallness of my appetite, said I could eat heartily, she dare say, in other places--Turned her chair about, and scarcely put a bit of sugar in my cup.

11. Told my wife I should dine at Sir John Belfield's--Wonders what I can do so often at that house--Surprised I don't entirely live there--Does not like Sir John's sister--Called for her muff and cloak. Scolded the maid, and went to prayers.

12. Altered my mind--Staid at home to dinner. Ordered a shoulder of mutton and potatoes for one dish--My wife returned--Staying at home one of my old fetches--But she can find me out--Don't love her--Once thought I would have never used her so.

1. Called for a pair of silk stockings--Black sent me down--As I don't go abroad, black may do well enough--No weather for white stockings--Linen changed, hair dressed, cloaths put on by

2. Dinner-- The Shoulder of mutton quite raw, and the potatoes all rotten--The fowl boiled to rags, and the bacon musty--Out of humour-- Reprehended by my wife--Said I can never like any thing dressed at home--Asked if Sir John Belfield's table was to my liking--Believed Miss Belfield was an excellent manager--Some cold roast beef brought up for dinner - Eat a little, and retired from table--Wife offended that I did not stay for grace.

3. Looked out for Mr. Caesar Wilkes's Political Magazine--Sensible, spirited, and impartial--Wife out of temper that I always read in her company--Said I never pulled out a book in the presence of Miss Belfield-- Wonder'd that I can't wear a shirt without laced ruffles--Certain it is not for her I take such pains in dress.

4. Going out--- My wife in tears--Staid out till one---Wife scolded--Did not make an answer--Fell asleep, and rose at 9 on Thursday morning.

In this manner, gentlemen, am I situated with a Matrimonial Helpmate. Let my case be a warning to others; and suffer me to conclude with the old song:

Ye GODS, ye gave to me a wife,

Out of your grace and favour,

To be the comfort of my life,

And I was glad to have her.

But if your Providence divine

For greater bliss deign her;

T' obey your will, at any time

I'm ready to resign her.