Herald Of The Times

From the London Magazine.

MAXIMS BY A MIDDLE-AGED GENTLEMAN.

There are two ways of looking at any thing remarkable in this remarkable world; if you look at it with the left eye, it is one thing; with the other, it is another; with both it is itself or more than itself. An artist, looking even at an old post by the highway side, will perceive in it something picturesque—a plain man will see nothing more in it than a piece of wood, misshapen and rotten. You may look at things serious and turn them into humor; at things humorous, & they become grave, in fact, there are two sides of every thing; but maximists generally have looked with their favorite eye only on the favorite side of things, an economy of their visual organs which I disdain to imitate; on the contrary, I shall use all the eyes I have by nature, and shall look as often at the reverse as the obverse of things in general.

Dull Men. Blessings be on dull men—I do not mean the dull men who won't talk, but the dull men who will.—They are sleepy physicians—her ministers preaching peace and sound slumbers to all men. Take an example.—One of this good sort of persons sups with you at eleven, talks at you till one; you in the mean time compose yourself in your arm-chair, fit your elbows comfortably in the corners, cross your legs, mix your grog, light your cigar, and resign yourself, like a philosopher, to a late lecture. At two perhaps you have had occasion to say "Yes," thrice, "No sure?" twice or so; "Indeed!" about the same number of times; and this is all it has cost you for a soporific, which, made up of medical materials, would come to a crown at least. From two till half past two, he is himself somewhat silent; his whiffs and his words come forth like the companions of the ark, two and two; and you observe, without surprise, that he is run down. In a few minutes more, he looks at his watch, and remarks that "It is time to go". that is, he perceives that you are super-saturated with sleep: you persuade the other glass; he refuses it; then you yawn your widest, beg his pardon, and bid him ".Good night." He goes home, happy that he has been listened to with so much of deferential silence; you stumble up to your chamber, with such an entire resignation to the inevitable necessity of sleep, that pulling off your clothes seems an absurd delay, and you are off in a minute to the district of dreams, and rise, next day, with no headache, and with a serenity of mind which is unknown to the lovers of clubs and such like noisy congregations of men. But for the senseless prejudices of mankind, such a man as I have described would be "taken" as willingly as we take spring physic, & courted, not cut; for a

"Blessing goes with him wheresoe'er he goes,"

—the blessing of sleep.

CHILDREN.—If you are a father, prevent, if possible, your daughters from squinting or lisping, and your sons from growing up with caret knees—thus A- or legs like parenthesis—thus ()—for these defects, if allowed to "grow with their growth, and strengthen with their strength," are sure to initiate them with the stage as a profession. I have assisted, as the French say, at some few private plays, and never met with an amateur Romeo or Juliet but had one of these defects in high perfection, if not some one more impassable and provoking. As a general rule, keep your children's legs straight, and learn them to look right before them, and they may become useful members of society; reverse the rule, and you make them vagabonds.

WAITERS.—I always endeavor to be liberal with waiters, and "such small deer," and I reckon that I save ten pounds a year by so doing; for if you will not pay them, they will pay themselves. I get the freshest chops, the best cigars, and a civil good night, with the use of an umbrella when it rains, by this simple expedient; whereas I observe that your niggardly rewarders, are always "to seek" for one or more of these comforts of life. It is the way of the world, from the peer to the postboy: we serve those persons with most pleasure from whom we derive most profit.

Secrets.—The easiest way of keeping a secret, is, to forget it as soon as communicated. You may have a considerable reputation for confidence in this matter, thus easily acquired. The only secret worth knowing in this life is, how one man contrives to be better than another; all the rest is mere alchemy.

SELF-PRAISE—I never believe in the virtues of a man who makes an inventory of them, and boasts of the items, for three reasons; the first is, I can't

Table Professions.—I make it a rule not to do more than politely to listen to second-bottle professions of friendship & proffers of service to the last shilling."

It is true, I render myself liable to the suspicion of doubting that the light of a Will o' the Wisp is not so safe to steer by as that of Eddystone, & that a shooting star is not so sure a guide as a fixed one; but no matter; we are all, every Smith of us, as heterodox in some article or other; bottle-friendships and bottle professions are those in which I have no faith so large as a grain of mustard seed. I leave them both to the house-maid, to be carried away with the corks when she clears the table, and to be let out at the window when she ventilates the room next day.

Bibulous Acquaintances.—Never proffer your services to see a stranger home who is Bacchi plenus, for after pulling your shoulders from their sockets, in efforts to support him, or rolling you in the mud when he chooses to refresh therein himself, it is ten to one but he charges you with picking his pocket of something he never held in fee in his life, or else abuses you for refusing to see him to his door, though it is five miles further out of your way, and you have conveyed him six. Above all, if he looks married, never see him quite home. I need not explain why.

Do not allow your friend, because he cannot convince you, and you have convinced him against his will, to compress your nostrils, or kick you out of his chamber, for if you once allow such liberties, there is no knowing what he may offer at. In argument, you need not trouble yourself to contradict a positive man; let him alone, and he will very soon do it for himself.