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Story
November 8, 1904
The Evening World
New York, New York County, New York
What is this article about?
Satirical dialogue on the 1904 U.S. presidential election between Roosevelt and Parker, expressing voter disillusionment and criticism of candidates amid fears of trust dominance, ending with a quip on predicted snow and frost.
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Full Text
The Final Struggle Is On, But Nothing Awful Seems Imminent.
"WELL," said the Cigar Store Man, "It'll be
all off in a few hours and we'll know whether the country is going to ruin with the able assistance of Roosevelt or Parker."
"We're up against an awful finish whichever way it turns out," remarked the Man Higher Up. "If Roosevelt whips the trusts are going to eat us alive. If Parker wins the trusts are going to eat us anyhow, but we have half a promise that they will pass around the ether before they begin. Both sides have a cinch, and if we didn't have a lot of experience the most of us would be beating it for Europe or Mexico.
"The free, untrammelled and noble voter goes into the polling place to-day, takes his ballot, and if he's a strong man, carries it without assistance to the booth. There with the solemnity of his task sticking to him like maple syrup to a cold plate he makes his mark expressing his desire to vote for Roosevelt or Parker as the case may be. If he feels real solemn he may vote for Watson or Debs.
"To-morrow morning he wakes up, looks at his paper and sees that the man he didn't vote for is elected. Does he go into the bathroom and turn on the gas? Does he lock himself in his bedroom and flood his interior with carbolic acid? Not on your natural. He kicks himself a couple of times for betting a hat and makes a rush for the 'L' or Subway, depending on which side of town he lives on. The next and last time he'll think of his sacrificed ballot will be when he gets a bill for the hat.
"It's too bad that in this great country, with 80,000,000 people, we have to pick out the two worst citizens to run for President. Roosevelt is the limit: Parker is also the limit the other way. It must be nice to live in a quiet monarchy, where all the people have to do is pay the bills—like we do here—and not worry about elections."
"I see that snow is predicted for to-day," said the Cigar Store Man.
"There will certainly be a frost for somebody," answered the Man Higher Up.
"WELL," said the Cigar Store Man, "It'll be
all off in a few hours and we'll know whether the country is going to ruin with the able assistance of Roosevelt or Parker."
"We're up against an awful finish whichever way it turns out," remarked the Man Higher Up. "If Roosevelt whips the trusts are going to eat us alive. If Parker wins the trusts are going to eat us anyhow, but we have half a promise that they will pass around the ether before they begin. Both sides have a cinch, and if we didn't have a lot of experience the most of us would be beating it for Europe or Mexico.
"The free, untrammelled and noble voter goes into the polling place to-day, takes his ballot, and if he's a strong man, carries it without assistance to the booth. There with the solemnity of his task sticking to him like maple syrup to a cold plate he makes his mark expressing his desire to vote for Roosevelt or Parker as the case may be. If he feels real solemn he may vote for Watson or Debs.
"To-morrow morning he wakes up, looks at his paper and sees that the man he didn't vote for is elected. Does he go into the bathroom and turn on the gas? Does he lock himself in his bedroom and flood his interior with carbolic acid? Not on your natural. He kicks himself a couple of times for betting a hat and makes a rush for the 'L' or Subway, depending on which side of town he lives on. The next and last time he'll think of his sacrificed ballot will be when he gets a bill for the hat.
"It's too bad that in this great country, with 80,000,000 people, we have to pick out the two worst citizens to run for President. Roosevelt is the limit: Parker is also the limit the other way. It must be nice to live in a quiet monarchy, where all the people have to do is pay the bills—like we do here—and not worry about elections."
"I see that snow is predicted for to-day," said the Cigar Store Man.
"There will certainly be a frost for somebody," answered the Man Higher Up.
What sub-type of article is it?
Historical Event
What themes does it cover?
Social Manners
Misfortune
What keywords are associated?
Presidential Election
Roosevelt Parker
Voter Cynicism
Political Satire
Trusts Influence
What entities or persons were involved?
Roosevelt
Parker
Watson
Debs
Cigar Store Man
Man Higher Up
Where did it happen?
New York
Story Details
Key Persons
Roosevelt
Parker
Watson
Debs
Cigar Store Man
Man Higher Up
Location
New York
Event Date
Election Day 1904
Story Details
Humorous dialogue between the Cigar Store Man and the Man Higher Up satirizing the 1904 U.S. presidential election between Roosevelt and Parker, portraying voter cynicism, inevitable disappointment, and criticism of the candidates as the worst choices.