Imperial Valley Press

By HENRY McLEMORE
HOLLYWOOD, Dec. 10. (UP)-

It is surprising that there are as many celebrities in Hollywood as there are.
It is surprising that there are as many persons in Hollywood as there are.
It is surprising-but enough of this suspense: what I am trying to say is that what with the way automobiles are driven out here it is nothing short of miraculous that there are enough able-bodied citizens to elect a mayor, fire chief, and dog catcher.

Just about this time last year I wrote a story along these same lines, out to Hollywood motorists shrugged their shoulders, said "let the sissy get out if he can't take it." and went on bagging the legal limit of pedestrians. Every driver is entitled to five pedestrians per year, and there is no stigma attached to hitting 'em while they are standing still. This is the only town I have ever been in where it is considered sporting to flush a pedestrian off the sidewalk.

The fact that Hollywood does not top the Indianapolis speedway for fatalities, is due to the remarkable skill of the pedestrian. He is wary as a wild turkey, faster than a fawn, and tougher than a rhino. As for jumping ability, many a kangaroo has returned to Australia in disgrace after jumping alongside a Hollywood citizen.

The traffic authorities, working in conjunction with Rube Goldberg and Joe Cook, have developed some really wonderful traffic gadgets. On one corner there will be a sedate set of red and green lights of the type we all know and love. On the next corner will be four arms, which fly out like cuckoos from a clock, to say "Stop and Go." These arms give no warning when they start taking their setting up exercises. A pedestrian starts in his simple, trusting way to cross the street on a "Go" arm. Midway, caught in the rip tide the "Stop" arm flies into sight and he is fair game for everybody-- the drivers who are still going on the "Go" sign, and the drivers who have now started up on the "stop" sign.

If that sounds complicated to you, let me lead you to the next corner where there are four stop signs, one for each intersection. There are never any "Go" signs here, so everybody stops at the same time and starts at the same time, causing what Hollywood considers its finest confusion. Even the mousy type of pedestrian, who stays on the sidewalk at these places, is not safe. He is likely to get hit by flying fenders or hurtling hoods.

At some of the Hollywood corners the signals are equipped with sound. and what a sound! First there is a low buzz. This increases to a sinister whine and then progresses to a sound that has but one counterpart-an infernal machine under water. Only the very bravest pedestrians cross at these corners, because men who came out of the World War with medals and honors have been known to drop on their faces when the signals switch and the noise starts.

But my favorite corner and the favorite of so many traffic connoisseurs, is the one where, for a reason that no one knows, there is a permanent red light one way and a permanent green light the other. Men have grown old waiting for that light to change. To cross the red one is to experience the real and genuine "thrill of a lifetime." Because no one has ever made it clear across

I am now leaving for the Tropics where I hope evenings in the parking lot But I am going to ride my old horse, Rover, because the equestrian fatalities are not nearly as great as the pedestrian.

If you don't hear from me any more you will know that-well, you oughta know by now.