The New Hampshire Gazette And General Advertiser

A DIALOGUE between the United States of America, and the different Princes of Europe.

Prince of the Empire.

It appears to me, Gentlemen, that your Affairs are in a fine Train. You have driven the British from the Southern Parts of your Country: Cornwallis is come to the last extremity. Clinton may indeed make some Clutter in the Environs of New York, but that can continue only for a very short Time. Your affairs, I think, have taken an excellent turn. You are now of a fine stature to form an Empire, and want nothing but an Emperor. I am just the thing for you. I will make Electorates of your principal States: Those of Delaware and Rhode-Island will make very fine Duchies. Georgia, New Hampshire, and Vermont shall be Margraviates. I will bring you the most ancient Nobility in the Universe: a race that have never debased themselves with the gold of Peru; excellent Hunters, insatiable drinkers; in a word, the flower of the Germanick empire.

Prince of France.

I would not advise you gentlemen, to take a King, tho' we are of that trade, and great friends to monarchy. But if you are determined to have one, you will certainly give the preference to the blood of the Bourbons. If you choose one from that House, he will be sure to make himself beloved by his subjects: He will introduce among you a young and a generous Nobility: He will keep a polite and brilliant Court. If your women were less fair and amiable than they are, he might conduct to you some French ladies. This, however, would be superfluous; and I will content myself with promising to your ladies, continual feasts, shows, and amusements. The arts of every kind, the sciences, and letters shall embellish this rising kingdom. Your Sovereign will employ every care to insure to you the blessings of peace: but if war should unavoidable arise, you must be sensible that we know how to carry it on as well as our neighbours.

Prince of Spain.

It is not our disposition, gentlemen, to intrude, or cajole: The empire of America, however, is well worth a small compliment. We are indeed a little proud; but we are brave and good. I offer you all the treasures of the new world, with a Court in the compleatest order: It will not be a very joyous one: but it shall be majestic and splendid; and you shall be entertained from time to time with bull fightings, and the most magnificent processions in the world.

Prince of Portugal.

My cousins of Germany, France, and Spain, know nothing of the matter: They are neither of them the thing you want. If you give me the preference, I promise you ships loaded with diamonds and immense riches. Burn your paper money, and swim in floods of silver and gold. But the care of your souls impresses me more than that of securing you wealth: Accordingly I will not fail to bring with me a grand Inquisitor and a sub-inquisitor for each State: he will take care to burn all those who err in an opinion different from their own; every six months you shall have the pastime of an Auto de Fe.

Prince of Prussia.

The dismemberment of countries is enough to our family. Give to the thirteen candidates, who now offer themselves to you, one of the thirteen States: give to me only the smallest of them: I will engage to enlarge it. You shall have the pleasure of being all soldiers from the cradle. You shall wheel to the right and to the left; you shall march in front and rear, and on the wings, more perfectly than any nation in the universe. Your clothing and your rations may perhaps be a little short, but you shall be excellent soldiers; and the small state will, I doubt not, very soon make a most respectable figure.

Prince of the Two Sicilies.

We have legions of Monks, Abbots, Bishops and Priests of all kind; and if you should want more of them than my kingdoms can furnish, our neighbour the Pope will send you large cargoes. Permit them to preach for some time, and they will convince you that my family merits the preference, upon condition, however, that it shall found a number of convents, abbeys, canonships, bishoprics and all other establishments of that kind so evidently calculated for the good of mankind:

Prince of Sardinia.

I understand you are putting your finances in order; give me the crown and I will furnish you with an army of placemen, commissaries, farmers, and financiers, so that you shall have nothing to do but to pay your money.

Prince of Denmark.

The Danish nation gave away the supreme power to one of my ancestors: you cannot forbear to imitate so good an example, and I will save you from all the trouble of your Congress, your assemblies, your councils, and your senates. In one word, I will release you from all the cares of government, and you shall have no other trouble but to obey.

Prince of Sweden.

My family reigns over a brave and warlike nation that was once free: It now ceases to be so, and yet doth not complain. Submit yourselves to me, and I promise you a government equally moderate.

Prince of Russia.

Let not my name affright you: The times of the knout, of the torture, of the scaffold, and of Siberia are no more. An illustrious Princess has taught us that the throne is better established by beneficence than by chastisements. Place the sceptre in my hand; if I abuse it you may give it to my wife.

The Grand Seignior.

I offer you my second son: his household is formed: Eunuchs, his Spahis his Vizirs are all ready. As to the Seraglio, I am told, you have charming daughters, you will please to provide for it five hundred of the most beautiful.

A Pole:

In truth, all who have spoken before me are quite mistaken: It is an elective King you want. Begin by choosing me, and after me every freeman may aspire to the throne. Blood, indeed, will sometimes be shed at the elections, but the body politic will only be the more healthy after such a bleeding:

Prince William Henry

I have allowed, Gentlemen, all these candidates to speak before me, and without the least interruption: They have made you brilliant offers, but mine will be much more brilliant. My father, the best of Kings, has sent me here, persuaded that you cannot refuse me the crown, when you come to know [See last Page.]
What I have to offer you. I promise you titles, orders, ribbands and a nobility I will establish among you electorates, dukedoms, baronies, and lordships. I will be your emperor, your king, your stadtholder; in one word, whatever shall please you. I will give you feasts, balls, and diversions. I will call the arts and sciences to your country. I will have superb equipages, excellent music, comedians, mistresses, brewers and prize fighters, chamberlains, masters of the horse, and cupbearers. Gold and Diamonds shall flow among you. I will establish ecclesiastical authority, which you greatly want in its full force—and for the good of the State, shall be very intolerant. I will have numerous and brilliant armies, crowds of Generals and officers—You shall be spared the trouble of a militia. I will have farmers of revenue, collectors, writers, publicans, commissaries, placemen, ministers, guards, and great officers of the crown: In one word, every thing that has been offered to you separately, I promise to unite in myself alone.

The United States.
Gentlemen,

We are much obliged to you for your offers; but you have made them too late, and we have settled our affairs in such a manner as to have no occasion for a MASTER. We have, however, room enough for new settlers: and if you will absolutely renounce old decayed Europe, and purchase good farms among us, you may, like others, become Freeholders, after a prescribed residence. You may then, if you are men of abilities, and behave well, be elected members of our assemblies, presidents, governors, officers civil or military, members of our philosophic societies, or even members of Congress.

As to you, William Henry, little Prince of the House of Brunswick, we cannot receive you among us, upon account of the ill example, and the bad education your father, the King of Britain, has given you. When peace is settled you may come, like others, to our republic, upon this express condition, that you pass some years at one of our universities, where you may be taught very useful things; and among others to be just, to consider all men as equal, and having the same right to happiness: to respect your own solemn engagements; to detest crafty knaves and perjured villains; incendiaries, and assassins: In a word to become quite another man than your FATHER.