The Tacoma Times

(Note: Herewith we reprint in response to numerous requests, an old essay. We would have done so sooner, except that we believe the greatest value can be obtained when the several principal species are evident in quantity for study, such as they are at this season.)

HOMO YACHTA PECULIARIS

The Racer: An energetic creature of highly combative nature. Generally found in schools traveling in all directions at its greatest possible speed. No apparent objective in life except to return whence it started before its fellows. (Very few are successful at this, however.)

When not engaged in furious pursuit or frantic escape, it spends much of its time and not a little cash to develop ways and means for outwitting its fellows the next time the school makes its circuitous foray. Collisions between individuals of the same school are frequent, and are invariably marked by loud, squawking noises.

The group is divided into two sub-groups, motor-racers and sail-racers: these differ only in mechanical and minor biological details, although difference in appearance is striking.

The Cruiser: A leisurely animal, often bordering upon the slothful. Often found in quiet bays and other pleasant spots, or ambling unhurriedly from place to place. Lives partly on clams, fish and crabs, which it catches for itself, but is also known to pilfer from orchards, gardens and other dry-land prey which fall in its path. Gregarious, it is inclined to foregather with others of the species at haunts which are often well-frequented. At such times, the species may be heard late at night making weird noises and accompanied by instrumental music, or by a sound resembling empty bottles splashing into water.

Unlike most other species, this breed is often accompanied by the female and young.

The Offshore Voyager: A large, hairy and unkempt beast. Often short-spoken when in its natural habitat, but garrulous when removed therefrom. Happy only when the nearest land is straight down. Usually travels in small groups, but sometimes alone. Avoids the female of the species when migrating, but displays above-normal interest thereafter. The species in the more advanced breeds have a tendency toward reckless daring. Comparatively rare.

The Piddler: An inoffensive specimen, even dull. Seldom ventures far from shore, its native habitat. Swivel-eyed, its infrequent travels are marked by glances in opposite directions and constant mutterings. Spends most of its time grooming its shell. Often makes loud and monotonous noises when removed from water. Retires to cracks in the land or old wood during winter.

The Club-sitter: A sedentary species. Regularly found each Thursday night, at which time it emerges to frolic with a species of pasteboards bearing curious markings. Often found grouped about a green-topped table, where it pokes spheroids with long sticks. Distinguished by its cry of "Steward!" when thirsty, and other times by a constant flow of querulous gabble. Found near water, but never in actual contact.

The Dinghy Sailor: Rare hereabouts, but noteworthy as an unusual species. Cunning and remarkably hardy, it closely resembles a miniature of the racer type. Sometimes seen carrying its shell on its back. Impervious to inclement weather. When one is besieged with mishap as when its shell is turned over—it stoically swims until rescued by its fellows, who thereupon making jeering noises, fill the victim with rum and toast him before an open fire. The sexes mingle freely, and occasionally the female proves superior to the male in combat.

The Angler: Not necessarily true marine specimen, although invariably found on, in or near every sizeable body of water. Grouped here because of its habits only: in reality the species is primarily a land creature except when it assumes the characteristics of nautical life. Considers itself extremely clever and cunning in preying upon the smaller creatures of the sea, lakes, bays and rivers. Most plentiful during the daylight hours of Sundays and holidays.

The noises it makes between times are deceptive and misleading, in regard to both its prowess and maritime habits. Obnoxious in certain areas, particularly when found in quantity. On land this species leads a comparatively normal life, but when frequenting water it lives principally on liquids; particularly is this true of the salt-water species during winter months.

A kleptomaniac, the species is forever collecting and hoarding great quantities of bright objects and other impedimenta. Distinguished by a very small shell. Common locally.