Phenix Gazette

ALEXANDRIA GAZETTE.

THE MILITIA CAPTAIN AND THE ESSENCE PEDLAR

Harry B- , of one of the interior towns of this State, was, a few years since, chosen captain of a company of militia. At the next training day, with true military pride and spirit, he dressed himself in a suit of regimentals, buckled a sword to his side, and marched to the field. He did wonders that day, in the way of command; he marched and counter-marched his soldiers; he made them once and again go through the manual exercise--but what most acquired him popularity was, he gave them as much grog as they could drink, and drank with them into the bargain. In short, Captain B-- acquitted himself to the entire satisfaction of all concerned--and of no one more than himself.

Just at the close of day, he dismissed his company, and, full of the happy and valorous feelings which the rum and the occasion had inspired, he marched away to attend an evening party of gentlemen and ladies, some two miles off, to which he had been previously invited. When he had got about half-way, coming into a thicket of wood, he espied something speckled with black and white in the path just before him. Not knowing exactly what it was, partly on account of the dusk of the evening, and partly in consequence of the obfuscation of his brain, he resolved to attack it, sword in hand.

No sooner thought than done. He valorously drew his trusty steel, and marching up, aimed a blow at what he supposed to be the head of his enemy, but which unfortunately proved to be its tail, which the creature had just then erected over its back. No sooner was this attack made than the creature, wheeling round, with the weapons which nature had given it for defence, let drive at the captain--shooting, like the Parthian, as it ran. It was then that the captain first discovered that he had engaged a skunk.

Heavens and earth, what an odor! It was strong enough to knock a man over. But it was not the captain's nostrils alone which were assailed--the shot took him in the eyes, and for a while so effectually blinded him, that he could no longer see--and although he continued to lay about him valorously with his sword, the enemy, taking advantage of his blindness, made good his retreat into the bushes, and was seen no more.

It was some time before the captain could fairly recover his eye-sight--which when he had done, he proceeded to a neighboring rill, and washed the smarting liquid from his eyes, and endeavoured to cleanse his person from the intolerable odor with which it was imbued. But he tried in vain. Nevertheless he had too much regard for his honor to fail in an appointment, without further delay, to the evening party.

As soon as he entered the drawing-room, which he did in true military style, the ladies began to pull out their smelling-bottles, and to apply their handkerchiefs to their noses, and the gentlemen began to take snuff. It was some time before they recovered sufficiently to return the captain's salute--when all in a breath they asked him what had happened, that he had brought such a smell with him.

"Why," said the captain coolly, "I met with an essence pedlar on the way, and I bought out his whole stock."

This was so well said that the whole company burst into a laugh--and, although they were obliged soon to disperse, on account of the villainous odor he brought, they forgave Harry, in consequence of the wit wherewith he had so well seasoned it.

But it was not in his face only, that the valorous captain had received the shot. A part of the inexpungable odor had fastened upon his regimentals; and, after trying in vain to free them from the horrid scent, he dug a hole, and buried them six feet under ground. He then broke his sword across a stump, and resigned his commission.

"Well, Harry," said an acquaintance of his, some time afterwards, "what have you done with your regimentals?"

"I've buried them, with the honors of war," said the Captain, gravely.

"That's merely to 'disinfogue' them, I suppose," said the other, "and you'll dig them up again before the next training day?"

"No," said Harry, "I shall never disturb them again. I've broke my sword and resigned my commission."

"The d--l you have!--what, so soon!"

"Why, I thought 'twas high time," returned the ex-captain, "when I couldn't travel the road without being insulted by every skunk that chose to turn up his tail at me."