The Virginia Gazette

Enter a young Gentleman.

Gent. Want a plain Gold Ring, Sir, exactly this Size.

Mat. Then 'tis not for yourself,

Gent. No, Sir.

Mat. A Wedding Ring, I presume.

Gent. No, Sir, I thank you kindly, that's a Toy I never design to play with. 'Tis the most dangerous Piece of Goods in your whole Shop. People are perpetually doing themselves a Mischief with it. They hang themselves fast together first, and afterwards are ready to hang themselves separately to get loose again.

1 La. This is but the fashionable Cant. I'll be hang'd if this pretended Railer at Matrimony is not just upon the Point of making some poor Woman miserable. [Aside.]

Gent. Well ----happy are we while we are Children; we can then lay down one Toy and take up another, and please ourselves with Variety : But growing more foolish as we grow older, there's no Toy will please us then, but a Wife, and that indeed, as it is a Toy for Life, so it is all Toys in one.: She is a Jade in a Man's Years which allows him no Rest. She's a Top which he ought to whip for his Exercise, for like that she is best when Lash'd to sleep: A Hobby-Horse for the Booby to ride on when the Maggot takes him : A Ball--

Mat. You may go on Sir, in this ludicrous Strain, if you please, and fancy 'tis Wit; but in my Opinion, a good Wife is the greatest Blessing, and the most valuable Possession, that Heaven, in this Life, can bestow. She makes the Cares of the World sit easy, and adds Sweetness to its Pleasures. She is a Man's best Companion in Prosperity, and his only Friend in Adversity. The carefullest Preserver of his Health, and the kindest Attendant on his Sickness, a faithful Adviser in Distress, a Comforter in Affliction, and a prudent Manager of all his Domestick Affairs.

2 La. (Aside) Charming Doctrine.

Gent. Well, Sir, since I find you so staunch an Advocate for Matrimony, I confess 'tis a Wedding Ring I want; the Reason why I deny'd it, and what I said in Ridicule of Marriage, was only to avoid the Ridicule which I expected from you upon it.

Mat. Why, that now is just the Way of the World in every thing, especially, among young People. They are asham'd to do a good Action because it is not a fashionable one, and in Compliance with Custom, act contrary to their own Consciences; they displease themselves to please the Coxcombs of the World, chuse rather to be Objects of divine Wrath, than human Ridicule.

Gent. Tis very true indeed. There is not one Man in Ten Thousand that dares be virtuous for fear of being singular. 'Tis a Weakness which I have hitherto been too much guilty of myself; but for the future I am resolved upon a more steady Rule of Action.

Mat. I am very glad of it. Here's your Ring, Sir, I think it comes to about a Guinea.

Gent. There's the Money:

Gent. I thank you Sir.

1 La. Well, Sir, but, after all, don't you think Marriage a Kind of a desperate Venture?

Mat. It is a desperate Venture, Madam, to be sure. But, provided there be a tolerable Share of Sense and Discretion on the Man's Part, and of Mildness and Condescension on the Woman's, there is no Danger of leading as happy and as comfortable a Life in that State as in any other.

Enter a fourth Lady.

4 La. I want a Mask, Sir, have you got any ?

Mat. No, Madam, I have not one indeed. The People of this Age are arrived to such a Perfection of masking themselves, that they have no Occasion for any foreign Disguises at all. You Shall find Infidelity mask'd in a Gown and Cassock; and Wantonness and Immodesty under a blushing Countenance. Oppression is veil'd under the Name of Justice, and Fraud and Cunning under that of Wisdom. The Fool is mask'd under an affected Gravity, and the vile Hypocrite under the greatest Professions of Sincerity. The Flatterer passes upon you under the Air of a Friend; and he that now hugs you in his Bosom, for a Shilling would cut your Throat. Calumny and Detraction impose themselves upon the World for Wit, and an eternal Laugh wou'd fain be thought Good-Nature. An humble Demeanor is assum'd from a Principle of Pride, and the Wants of the Indigent relieved out of Ostentation. In short, Worthlessness and Villany are oft disguis'd, and dignified in Gold and Jewels, whilst Honesty and Merit lie hid under Rags and Misery. The whole World is in a Mask, and it is impossible to see the natural Face of one Individual.

4 La. That's a Mistake, Sir, you yourself are an Instance, that no Disguise will hide a Coxcomb; and so your humble Servant. (Exit.)

Mat. Humph !-- Have I but just now been exclaiming against Coxcombs, and am I accused of being one myself? Well -- we can none of us see the ridiculous Part of our own Characters. Could we but once learn to criticize ourselves; and to find out and to expose to ourselves our own weak Sides, it would be the surest Means to conceal them from the Criticism of others. But I would fain hope I am not a Coxcomb, methinks, whatever I am else.

Gent. I suppose you have said something which her Conscience would not suffer her to pass over, without making the ungrateful Application to herself, and that, as it often happens, instead of awaking in her a Sense of her Fault, has only served to put her in a Passion.

Mat. May be so indeed. At least I am willing to think so.

Enter an old Man.

O. M. I want a pair of Spectacles, Sir.

Mat. Do you please to have 'em plain Tortoise-shell, or set in Gold or Silver?

O. M. Pho ! Do you think I buy Spectacles as your fine Gentleman buy Books? If I wanted a pair of Spectacles only to look at, I would have 'em fine ones; but as I want them to look with, do ye see, I'll have em good ones.

Mat. Very well, Sir. Here's a Pair I'm sure will please you— Through these Spectacles all the Follies of Youth are seen in their true Light. Those Vices which to the strongest youthful Eyes appear in Characters scarce legible, are through these Glasses discerned with the greatest Plainness. A powder'd Wig upon an empty Head, attracts no more Respect through these Optics, than a greasy Cap; and the lac'd Coat of a Coxcomb seems altogether as contemptible as his Footman's Li-
very.

O. M. That indeed is viewing Things in their true Light.

Alas! The common Virtue of the World appears only a Cloak for Knavery; and its Friendships no more than Bargains of Self-Interest. In short, he who is now passing away his Days in a constant Round of Villainy, Folly, Intemperance, and Extravagance, when he comes seriously to look back upon his past Actions, through these undisguising Opticks, will certainly be con-
vinced that a regular Life, spent in the Study of Truth and Virtue; and adorned with Acts of Justice, Gene-
rosity, Charity, and Benevolence, would not only have afforded him more Delight and Satisfaction in the pre-
sent Moment, but would likewise have raised to his Memory a lasting Monument of Fame and Honour.

O. M. Humph! 'Tis very true; but very odd! that such serious Ware should be the Commodity of a Toy-
Shop. (Aside) Well, Sir, and what's the Price of these extraordinary Spectacles?

Mat. Half a Crown.

O. M. Here's your Money.

Enter a fourth Gentleman.

4 Gent. I want a true Pair of Scales.

Mat. You shall have them, Sir.

4 Gent. Are they exactly true?

Mat. The very Emblem of Justice, Sir, a Hair will turn 'em.

Balancing the Scales.

4 Gent. I would have them true, for they must de-
termine some very nice statical Experiments.

Mat. I'll engage they shall justly determine the nicest Experiments in Staticks. I have tried them my-
self in some uncommon Experiments, and proved their Goodness. I have taken a large Handful of great Men's Promises, and put into one End; and lo! the Breath of a Fly in the other has kicked up the Beam. I have seen Four Peacocks Feathers, and the Four Gold Clocks in Lord Foppery's Stockings suspend the Scales in Equilibrio. I have found by Experiment, that the Learning of a Beau, and the Wit of a Pedant, are a just Counterpoise to each other. That the Pride and Vanity of any Man, are in exact Proportion to his Ig-
norance. That a Grain of Good-Nature will preponder-
ate against an Ounce of Wit: A Head full of Vir-
tue against a Head full of Learning; and a Thimble full of Content against a Chest full of Gold.

4 Gent. This must be a very pretty Science, I fancy.

Mat. It would be endless to enumerate all the Ex-
periments that might be made in these Scales; but there is one which every Man ought to be apprized of; and that is, that a moderate Fortune, enjoyed with Content, Freedom, and Independency, will turn the Scales against whatever can be put in the other End.

4 Gent. Well, this is a Branch of Staticks, which I must own I had but little Thought of entering into. However, I begin to be persuaded, that to know the true Specifick Gravity of this Kind of Subjects, is of infinitely more Importance than that of any other Bo-
dies in the Universe.

Mat. It is indeed. And that you may not want Encouragement to proceed in so useful a Study, I will let you have the Scales for Ten Shillings. If you make a right Use of them, they will be worth more to you than Ten Thousand Pounds.

4 Gent. I must confess I am struck with the Beauty and Usefulness of this Kind of moral Staticks, and be-
lieve I shall apply myself to make Experiments with great Delight. There's your Money, Sir: You shall hear shortly, what Discoveries I make; in the mean Time, I am your humble Servant.

[Exit.]

Mat. Sir, I am yours.

Enter a second old Man

2 Old Man. Sir, I understand you deal in Curiosities. Have you any Thing in your Shop, at present, that is pretty and curious?

Mat. Yes, Sir; I have a great many Things. But the most ancient Curiosity I have got, is a small Brass Plate on which is engraved the Speech which Adam made to his Wife, on their first meeting, together with her Answer. The Characters; thro' Age are grown unintelligible but for that 'tis the more to be valued. What is remarkable in this ancient Piece is, that Eve's Speech is about three Times as long as her Husband's. I have a Ram's Horn, one of those which helped to blow down the Walls of Jericho. A Lock of Samson's Hair, tied up in a Shred of his Garment. With several other Jewish Antiquities, which I purchased of that People at a great Price. Then I have the Lute which Orpheus played to the Devil when he charmed back his Wife.

Gent. That was thought to be a silly Tune, I believe for no Body has ever cared to learn it since.

Mat. Close cork'd up in a humble Phial, I have some Drops of Tears which Alexander wept, because he could do no more Mischief. I have a Snuff-box made out of the Tub in which Diogenes lived, and took Snuff at all the World. I have the Net in which Vulcan caught his Spouse and her Gallant; but our modern Wives are now grown so chaste, that there has not been an Opportu-
nity of casting it these many Years.

Gent. (aside to the Ladies.) Some would be so mali-
cious, now, as instead of chaste, to think he meant cun-
ning.

Mat. I have the Pitch-Pipe of Gracchus, the Roman Orator, who, being apt, in Dispute, to raise his Voice too high, by touching a certain soft Note in this Pipe, would regulate and keep it in a moderate Key.

2 La. Such a Pipe as that, if it could be heard, would be very useful in Coffee-Houses, and other publick Places of Debate and modern Disputation.

Gent. Yes, Madam, and I believe many a poor Hus-
band would be glad of such a Regulator of the Voice in his own private Family too.

Mat. There you was even with her, Sir. But the most valuable Curiosity I have, is a certain hollow Tube, which I call a Distinguisher; contrived with such Art, that, when rightly applied to the Ear, it obstructs all Falshood, Nonsense and Absurdity striking upon the Tym-
panum: Nothing but Truth and Reason can make the least Impression upon the Auditory Nerves. I have sat in a Coffee-House sometimes, for the Space of Half an Hour, and amongst what is generally called the best Com-
pany, without hearing a single Word. At a Dispute too, when I could perceive, by the eager Motions of both Par-
ties, that they made the greatest Noise, I have enjoyed the most profound Silence. It is a very useful Thing to have about one, either at Church or Play-House, or Westmin-
ster Hall; at all which Places a vast Variety both of useful and diverting Experiments may be made with it. The only Inconvenience attending it, is, that no Man can make himself a compleat Master of it under Twenty Years close and diligent Practice: And that Term of Time is best commenced at Ten or Twelve Years old.

Gent. That indeed is an Inconvenience that will make it not every Body's Money. But one would think those Parents, who see the Beauty and the Usefulness of Knowledge, Virtue, and a distinguishing Judgment, Should take particular Care to engage their Children early in the Use and Practice of such a Distinguisher; whilst they have Time before them, and no other Con-
cerns to intercept their Applications.

Mat. Some few do. But the Generality are so in-
tirely taken up with the Care of little Master's Com-
plexion, his Dress, his Dancing, and such like Effemi-
nacies, that they have not the least Regard for any in-
ternal Accomplishments whatsoever. They are so far from teaching him to subdue his Passions, that they make it their whole Business to gratify them all.

2 O. M. Well, Sir, to some People these may be thought curious Things, perhaps, and a very valuable Collection. But, to couleis the Truth, these are not the Sort of curious Things I wanted. Have you no little Box, representing a wounded Heart on the Inside of the Lid? Nor pretty Ring, with an amorous Poe-
sy? Nothing of that Sort, which is pretty and not common, in your Shop?

Mat. O yes, Sir! I have a very pretty Snuff-Box here; on the Inside of the Lid, do ye see, a Man-of Threescore and Ten, acting the Lover, and hunting like a Boy, after Gewgaws and Trifles, to please a Girl with.

2 O. M. Meaning me, Sir? Do you banter me, Sir?

Mat. If you take it to yourself, Sir, I can't help it.

2 O. M. And, is a Person of my Years and Gravi-
ty to be laugh'd at then?

Mat. Why, really, Sir, Years and Gravity do make such Childishnesses very ridiculous, I can't help owning. However, I am very sorry I have none of those curi-
qus Trifles for your Diversion, but I have delicate Hobby-Horses and Rattles if you please.

2 O. M. By all the Charms of Araminta, I will revenge this Affront.

Gent. Ha, ha, ha! How contemptible is Rage in Impotence: But pray, Sir, don't you think this kind of Freedom with your Customers detrimental to your Trade?

Mat. No, no, Sir, the odd Character I have acquir'd by this rough kind of Sincerity and plain Dealing, to-
gether with the whimsical Humour of moralizing up-
on every Trifle I sell, are the Things, which by rais-
ing People's Curiosity, furnish me with almost Custo-
mers: And it is only Fools and Coxcombs I am so free with.

La. And in my Opinion, you are in the Right of it. Folly and Impertinence ought always to be Ob-
jects of Satire and Ridicule.

Gent. Nay, upon second Thoughts, I don't know but this odd turn of Mind, which you have given your-
self, may not only be entertaining to several of your Customers, but perhaps very much so to yourself.

Mat. Vastly so, Sir. It very often helps me to Spe-
culations infinitely agreeable. I can sit behind this Coun-
ter, and fancy my little Shop, and the Transactions of it, an agreeable Representation of the grand Theatre of the World. When I see a Fool come in here and throw away 50 or 100 Guineas for a Trifle that is not really worth a Shilling, I am sometimes surpris'd: But when I look out into the World, and see the Lord-
ships and Manors barter'd away for gilt Coaches and Equipage; an Estate for a Title; and an easy Free-
dom in Retirement for a servile Attendance in a Crowd; when I see Health, with great Eagerness exchang'd for Disease, and Happiness for a Game at Hazard; my Wonder ceases. Surely the World is a great Toy-shop, and all it's Inhabitants run mad for Rattles. Nay, even the very wisest of us, however we may flatter ourselves, have some Failing or Weakness, some Toy or Trifle, that we are ridiculously fond of. Yet, so very partial to our own dear selves, that we over-look those Miscarriages in our own Conduct which we loudly ex-
claim against in that of others; and, tho' the same Fool's Turbant fits us all.

You say that I say that you are he,
And each Man wears, "The Cap's not made for me."

Gent. Ha, ha; 'Tis very true, indeed. But I ima-
gine you now begin to think it Time to Shut up Shop. Ladies do you please to want any thing else?

La. No, I think not. If you please to put up that Looking-Glass, and the Perspective, I will pay you for them.

Gent. Well, Madam, how do you like this whimsical Humorist?

La. Why, really, in my Opinion, the Man's as great a Curiosity himself, as any Thing in his Shop,

Gent. He is so indeed. I think we have heard a great deal of Folly justly ridicul'd.

In this gay thoughtless Age he's found a Way,
In trifling Things just Morals to convey.
'Tis his at once to please and to reform,
And, give old Satire a new Port to charm.
And, would you guide your Lives and Actions right,
Think on the Maxims you have heard To-Night.