Southern Planter

A PARODY.

The annexed, from the Salem Observer, is a happy parody upon Brutus' Address to the Romans. It bears an appropriate caption—"A Toper's Address to his pot Companions."

Topers, Drunkards, and Swiggers! Hear me for your own sakes, and lay aside your tankards, that you may hear; believe me for your welfare, and have respect for your welfare, that you may believe; censure me in your sober moments, and be sober that you may better judge. If there be around this table, any dear lover of ardent spirits, to him I say that Stingo's love of ardent spirits was no less than his.—If then that lover demand, why Stingo rose against ardent spirits, this is my answer: not that I loved ardent spirits, but that I loved health and a sound constitution more. Had you rather that ardent spirits were ruling, and die a rum-burnt knave, than that ardent spirits were contemned, to live a stout, hardy, honest yeoman? As ardent spirits were pleasant, I tasted them; as they were exhilarating, I sipped them; as they recruited my spirits, I drank them; but as they were ruinous I spurned them. There are toasts for their pleasantness, sips for their exhilarations, drams for their recruiting power; but banishment and detestation for their ruinous tendency. Who is here so brutal as would be a drunkard? If any, gulp—hiccup—reel—for him have I offended. Who is here so foolish as would be a swaggerer?—If any, brawl, for him have I offended. Who is here so mad as will not mind his health?—If any, let fever speak his burning rage—for him have I offended. I pause for a reply. Then none have I offended. I have done no more to ardent spirits than you should do to Stingo. The act of their banishment is recorded on the private pages of Stingo's journal, their usefulness not extended wherein they were worthy, nor the injurious tendency enforced for which they were banished.