The Virginia Gazette

Mr. Parks,

I have been in several Companies lately, in which I
cou'd have spent an Hour or Two very agreeably, if
we had not been disturb'd by the Impertinence of One or
Two among us, who were incessantly Harranguing us
with incredible Accounts of their own Travels and Ad-
ventures, or tiresome Stories, without Head or Tail.
which were neither Diverting or Improving, Jogging the
Elbows, or pulling the Buttons of those sitting next them,
to excite their Attention, engrossing the whole Discourse
to themselves, and Interrupting others who attempted to
speak; by which Means they have not only render'd
themselves obnoxious to, but sometimes broke up the
Company: To remedy such Evils for the future, I cannot
recommend to the Public, a better Piece than the follow-
ing one, taken Out of the INTELLIGENCERS,
which I hope, will not only be pleasing to your Readers,
but also prove a sufficient Remedy to cure those unhappy
Persons of that Distemper, so fatal to good Society.
Sermo datur cunctis, animi sapientia paucis.
Cato.

There is one Kind of Conversation, which every
one aims at, and every one almost fails in; it is that
of Story-telling. I know not any Thing which engages
our Attention with more Delight, when a Person has a
sufficient Stock of Talents necessary for it, such as good
Sense, true Humour, a clear Head, a ready Command
of Language, and a Variety of proper Gestures, to give
Life and Spirit to what he says. If any of these be
wanting, the Listeners, instead of being diverted, are di-
guised; but if the Person be utterly void of them all,
as is very often the Case, he becomes a Nuisance to the
Company, and they are so long upon the Rack as he
speaks. It has sometimes fallen to my Lot, that a Man
whom I never offended, has laid me under the Persecution
of a long Story, and compell'd me to hear, what neither
concern'd himself, nor me, nor indeed any Body else, and
at the same Time he was as much in Earnest, as if both
our Lives and Fortunes, and the Felicity of the whole
Kingdom depended upon what he said. A Humour very
unaccountable! That a Man shall be letting off Words
for an Hour or Two, with a very innocent Intention, and
after he has done his best, only makes me uneasy, and
himself contemptible.
This natural Infirmity in Men, is not only confined to
Story-telling, but it appears likewise in every Essay
whatsoever of their Intellectuals. As for Instance; if one
of these be a Preacher of God's Word, by far fetched
incoherent Digressions, tedious Repetitions, useless Remarks,
weak Answers to strong Objections, Inferences to no Pur-
pose, numerous Divisions, and Sub-divisions, Protraction, he shall draw you out a Discourse for an
Hour and a Quarter, unequally dispensing Opium and
Edification to his Flock, there being Seven Sleepers for
One Hearer. If he be a Lawyer, he shall, by an uncommon Way of Amusement, run away with a Subject, which
might be explained in Two Minutes, and dilate upon it
Two Hours, with such a Volubility of Tongue, such
Affluence of Expression, with something so like a good
Style, and Manner of Thinking, that the Judges and
Jury attend with as much Gravity, as if there were a
continued Chain of true Reasoning and solid Argument.
If he be a Member of the Upper or Lower House, he does
not proceed Four Sentences, before the rest know where
to have him an Hour hence; in the mean Time they di-
vert one another, in talking of Matters indifferent, till
the Gentleman has done. I could give many more Instan-
ces, but that I think these sufficient for my present Pur-
pose; beside, lest I should incur the like Reproach my-
self, I must, in a few Words, divide the Story-tellers
into the short, the long, the marvellous, the insipid, and
the delightful.
The short Story-teller is he, who tells a great deal in
few Words, engages your Attention, pleases your Imagi-
nation, or quickly excites your Laughter. Of this Rank
were Xenophon, Plutarch, Macrobius, among the An-
cients. Ex. gr.
When the Nephelai of Aristophanes, a Satyr upon So-
crates was acting, his Friends desired him to retire, and
hide behind them. No, said Socrates, I will stand up here,
where I may be seen; for now I think myself like a
good Feast, and that every one has a Share of me. Vid.
Feast of Xenophon.
Brasidas, the famous Lacedemonian General, caught
a Mouse: It bit him, and by that Means made its Escape.
O Jupiter, said he, what Creature so contemptible, but
may have its Liberty if it will contend for it? Vid. Plu-
tarch. de profect. virtut.
Diogenes having sailed to Chios, while it was under
the Dominion of the Persians, said in a full Assembly,
the Inhabitants were Fools for erecting a College, and
building of Temples, since the Persians would not allow
them the Privilege of making their own Priests, but sent
them over the most illiterate of their Magi.
Augustus while he was encamped with his Army some-
where near Mantua, was disturbed Three Nights succe-
sively, by the Hooting of an Owl. Proclamation was
made to the Soldiers, that whoever caught the Offender,
(so that he might be brought to Justice) should have an
ample Reward for his Pains. Every one was loyally en-
gaged in the Pursuit of this Bird: At last, one more vi-
gilant than the rest, found him in a hollow Tree, so
brought him in Triumph to the Emperor, who saw him
with the greatest Joy, but gave the Soldier a Sum of Mo-
ney, so far below his Expectation, that he let the Owl
fly away that Instant. So true a Sense of Liberty ran
through the very meanest of the Romans. Macrob. Sat.
The Long Story-teller is one who tells little or no-
thing in a great Number of Words; for this many among
the Moderns are famous, particularly the French; and,
among ourselves in this Kingdom, we have a vast Num-
ber of the better Sort. As well as I can recollect, there
are Six Deans, Four Judges, Six and Thirty Councel-
lors at Law, Sixty Five Attornies, Some few Fellows of
the College, every Alderman through the whole Nation,
except One. All old Gentlemen and Ladies, without
Exception, Five of the College of Physicians, Three or
Four Lords, Two Hundred 'Squires, and some few Peo-
ple of Distinction beside.
I Shall here insert a Fragment of a long Story, by
Way of Example, containing a Hundred and Twenty
Nine Words, which might have been said in these Ten
following, viz. Nine Years ago I was to preach for a
Friend.
I Remember once, I think it was about Seven Years
ago----No I lye, It was about Nine Years ago; for it was
just when my Wife was lying-in of Dicky; I remember
particularly, the Mid-wife would have had me stay, to
keep her Company, and it was the heaviest Day of Storm
and Rain, that I ever saw before or since, but because I
engaged to preach for a very worthy Friend of mine, who
lived about Twenty Miles off, and this being Saturday,
I could not defer it till the next Morning, though I had
an excellent Nag, which could have rid it in Three
Hours, I bought him of a Neighbour, one Mr. Materson,
yet because I would not put my Friend in a Fright, &c.
Thus far he went in one Minute. The Story lasted an
Hour, so that upon a fair Computation he spoke 7740
Words, instead of 600, by which Means he made Use of
1140 more than he had Occasion for. If a right Applica-
tion were made of this Hint which I have given, it would
be of admirable Effect in the Dispatch of publick Business,
as well as private Conversation; nay, in the very Wri-
ting of Books, for which I refer the Reader to the Fable
of the Bees, and the Two elaborate Treatises, written by
the learned Mr. H-----n.
The Marvellous, is he who is fond of telling such
Things as no Man alive, who has the least Use of his
Reason, can believe. This Humour prevails very much
in Travellers, and the vain-glorious, but very pardonable,
because no Man's Faith is imposed upon, or if it should
be so, ill Consequence attends Persons seriously extrava-
gant, expecting another should give Credit to what he
knows impossible for the greatest Dunce to swallow.
One of these, who had travelled to Damascus, told
his Company, that the Bees of that Country were as big
as Turkies. Pray, Sir, said a Gentleman (begging Par-
don for the Question) how large were the Hives? The
same Size with ours, replied the Traveller. Very strange,
said the other. But how got they into their Hives?
That is none of my Business, I Gad let them look to
that.
Another, who had travelled as far as Persia, spoke to
his Man John, as he was returning Home, telling him,
how necessary it was, that a Traveller should draw Things
beyond the Life, otherwise he could not hope for that
Respect from his Countrymen, which otherwise he might
have. But at the same Time, John, said he, wherever I
shall dine, or sup, keep you close to my Chair,
and if I do very much exceed the Bounds of Truth, punch
me behind, that I may correct myself. It happened on a
Day, that he dined with a certain Gentleman, who shall
be nameless, where he affirmed, that he saw a Monkey
in the Island Borneo, which had a Tail threescore Yards
long. John punched him. I am certain it is Fifty at
least. John punched again. I believe to speak within
Compass, or I did not measure it, it must have been
Forty. John gave him t'other Touch. I remember it
lay over a Quickset Hedge, and therefore could not be
less than Thirty. John at him again. I could take my
Oath it was Twenty. This did not satisfy John. Up-
on which the Master turned about in a Rage, and said,
Damn you for a Puppy, would you have the Monkey
without any Tail at all'?
Did not the famous Dr. Burnet, whose History is much
of the same Stamp with his Travels, affirm, that he saw
an Elephant play at Ball? And that grave Gentleman
Tavernier Idles in his Travels through Muscovy, to China,
assures us, that he saw Elephants, which were taught to
low like Cows, to yell like Tigers, and to mimick the
sounding of a Trumpet; but their highest Perfection,
as he relates it, was that of singing like Canary Birds.
However this is not so marvellous (for Pliny relates won-
derful Things of their Docility) as what a Gentleman
told a full Company, in my hearing within this Fortnight.
That he had seen a Show at Bristol, which was a Hare,
taught to stand upon her hind Legs and bow to all the
Company, to each Person in particular, with a very good
Grace, and then proceed to beat several Marches on the
Drum. After this, a Dog was set upon the Table. His
Master, the Show-Man, made many grievous Complaints
against him, for High Crimes and Misdemeanors. The
Hare knits her Brows, kindles her Eyes like a Lady, falls
in a Passion, attacks the Dog with all her Rage and Fury.
as if she had been his Wife, scratches, bites, and cuffs
him round the Table, till the Spectators had enough for
their Money.
There is a certain Gentleman, now in Ireland, most
remarkably fond of the Marvellous, (but this through
Vanity) who among an infinite Number of the like Ka-
tricities, affirms, that he has a Carp in a Pond, by itself,
which for Twenty Years past supplied him and his Friends
with a very good Dish of Fish, when they either come
to dine, or sup with him. And the Manner of it is thus.

The Cook-Maid goes with a large Kitchen-knife, which has a Whistle in its Handle; she no sooner blows it, but the Carp comes to the Sluice and turns up its Belly, till she cuts out as much as she has Occasion for, and then away it swims. The Chain is fixed in a Day or Two, and the Carp is as sound as a Roach, ready for the Knife again. Now if he and his Cook-maid took the most solemn Oath to the Truth of this, or the most sanctified Quaker should say Yea to it, which is made equal to any Prelate's Oath, I would no more give Credit to them, than I would to the Colonel, who said he was at the Battle of La-den, where his Majesty King William, of glorious Memory, lost the Day: And this Colonel, being in the utmost Confusion, fled among the rest: He swore he had galloped above Two Miles after his Horse's Head was shot off, by a Cannon-ball, which he should not have missed, if the poor Creature had not stooped at a River's Side to drink.

I should be glad to spend an Evening with half a Dozen Gentlemen of this uncommon Genius, for I am certain they would improve upon one another, and thereby I might have an Opportunity of observing how far the Marvellous could be carried, or whether it has any Bounds at all.

The Insipid, who may not unfitly be called Soporifick, is one who goes plodding on in a heavy dull Relation of unimportant Facts: You shall have an Account from such a Person, of every minute Circumstance which happened in the Company where he has been, what he did, and what they did, what they said, and what he said, with a Million of trite Phrases, with an and so beginning every Sentence: and to make a long Story short; and, as I was saying, with many more Expletives of equal Signification. It is a most dreadful Thing, when Men have neither the Talent of Speaking, nor the Discretion of holding their Tongues, and that of all People, such as are least qualified, are commonly the most earnest in this Way of Conversation.

The Delightful Story-teller is one, who speaks not a Word too much, or too little, who can, in a very careless Manner, give a great deal of Pleasure to others, and desires rather to divert, than be applauded; who shows good Understanding, and a delicate Turn of Wit in every Thing which comes from him; who can entertain his Company better with the History of a Child and its Hobby-Horse, than one of the Soporificks can with an Account of Alexander and Bucephalus. Such a Person is not unlike a bad Reader, who makes the most ingenious Piece his own, that is, dull and detestable, by only coming through his Mouth. But to return to the delightful Story-teller. I cannot describe him by any Words so well as his own, and therefore take the following Story to show him in the most agreeable Light.

A Mountebank in Leicester-Fields, had drawn a huge Assembly about him; among the rest a fat unwieldy Fellow, half killed in the Press, would be every Fit crying out, Lord! what a filthy Crowd is here! pray good People give Way a little! bless me! what a Devil has raked this Rabble together? Zounds, what Squeezing is this? Honest Friend remove your Elbow. At last a Weaver that stood next him could hold no longer. A Plague confound you, said he, for an over-grown Sloven, and who in the Devil's Name helps to make up the Crowd half so much as your Self? Don't you consider (with a Pox) that you take up more Room with that Carcass than any Five here? Is not the place as fit for us as for you? Bring your own Guts to a reasonable Compass (and be damn'd) and then I'll engage we shall have Room enough for us all.

This I have transcribed from a most celebrated Author, with great Pleasure, and do earnestly recommend it to my Countrymen, as the true Standard of Story-telling, both as to Style and Manner, and every Thing requisite not only to please the Hearer, but to gain his Favour and Affection. And for the Time to come, be it enacted, that if any Person, of what Rank soever, shall presume to exceed Six Minutes in a Story, to hum or ha, use Hyphens between his Words, or Digressions, or offer to engage the Company to hear another Story when he has