The Daily Record

Man's Mother Wonders Whether To Mention His Wife's Unfriendliness Toward Her

DEAR MARY HAWORTH: Before she married our son Glen, my daughter-in-law had often stayed in our house. She is pretty and a fine girl and we all were very fond of her. We hadn't felt Glen should marry while still in school, as it worked a financial hardship on all of us. But we pitched in and helped to give them a beautiful wedding. We opened our home to them and all was fine until they prospered and got their own place.

Then Martha changed, without reason, and is sulky and cool when we visit there. We don't feel welcome and spend few nights there, so now she has things exactly her way. She has grown so sarcastic and seems to hang on my every word, searching for hidden meanings. I think too much has been said and written about moms trying to cling to their sons. It's absurd: it doesn't apply to my friends anyhow.

Glen and Martha visit us often and she seems to feel at home here: she comes right in with the same cool air. And she is very welcome, of course; but not much pleasure to us. I gather from my son's criticism that she tells him she feels unwelcome here. I must confess I can't feel as fond of her as I had hoped. I tried to treat her as a daughter, but this she seemed to resent: and informed me that she already had a mother.

The problem is this - Glen insists we visit them. But she always has some excuse as to why it isn't convenient. Behind his back she shows us plainly that we aren't really welcome. This is getting to be a bad situation. Should we discuss it with him? Tell him his wife has a mother-in-law complex and wants to keep us all apart? Or should we just stay away? (I've never thought it wise to talk to anyone about their spouse). Martha is 30. and should be sensible.

Mother's Blind To Her Errors

DEAR P. N.: Evidently Martha took a load of pent-up resentment away with her, when she and Glen moved out of your house, into a place of their own. Her grievance was "without reason," you allege. But a slip of your pen, above, and the general tenor of your complaint suggest that you are blind to the offense you give.

You mention that because you don't feel welcome in Martha's house, and spend few nights there, "she has things exactly her way now." The implication of this slip is that she hadn't much voice that you ran their show - while she and Glen were under your roof. And to sugarcoat your dominance, you "tried to treat her as a daughter" sentimental politics that she distrusted. She probably sensed your unconscious purpose, to deny her and Glen adult status in their marriage, and keep them tied to your apronstrings if possible - on the theory that "Ma knows best": or "Ma will take care of everything." Hence her scowling reminder to you that she already had a mother.

Younger Woman Is More Honest

You've meant well, of course, so far as you know. But essentially you've been less concerned with promoting a fine maturing relationship between Glen and Martha, than with maintaining your emotional status quo (your control position) in his experience. This isn't a conscious bias, but it sparks your feelings and shapes your actions as a would-be helpful" and oft-affronted mother-in-law.

The big difference between you and Martha, in this hassle, is that she is more honest than you, in trying to cope with hostile feelings. Probably she is unduly bitter and thankless towards you, all things considered; but at least she puts her cards on the table. You are equally unloving towards her, if you dared admit it--but you don't, for fear of exposing your hand to Glen

To improve the situation, change yourself. That's the only way. If and when you can loosen your emotional grip on the past, and let your son be a grown man, in your current estimate of him - and can really respect Martha's matronly rights to household privacy and wifely authority in her marriage - things will be better. She will feel the difference and relax towards you. Mutual antagonism will melt away; and real affection may develop.

M. H.

Mary Haworth counsels through her column, not by mail or personal interview. Write her in care of The Daily Record.