The Democratic Press

Josh Billings on Courting

Courting iz a luxury, it iz sallad, it iz ise water, it iz a beveridge, it iz a pla spell of the soul. The man who haz never courted hez lived in vain: he haz bin a blind man amung landskapes and waterskapes; he haz bin a deff man in the land ov hand organs, and by the side ov murmuring canals. Courting iz like 2 little springs ov soft water that steal out from under a rock at the fut ov a mountain, and run down the hill side by side, singing and dansing and spattering each uther, eddying and frothing and kaskading, now biding under bank, now full ov sun, and now full ov shadder, till bimeby tha jine and then tha go slow. I am in favor ov long courting; it gives the parties a chance to find out each uther's trump cards, it iz good exercize, and iz jist az innersent az 2 merino lambs. Courting iz like strawberries and cream, wants to be did slow, then vu git the flavor. I bav saw folks git ackquainted, fall in luv, git married, settle down, and git tew wurk in three weeks from date. This iz jist the wa sum folks larn a trade, and akounts for the great number ov almightey mean mechanicks we hav, and the poor jobs tha turn out.

Perhaps it iz best I shud state some good advise to yung men who are about tew court with a final view to matrimony, az it waz. In the first plase, yung man, yu want to get yure system all rite, and then flnd a yung woman who iz willing tew be courted on the square. The next thing iz tew find out how old she iz, which yu kan do bi asking her, and she will sa that she iz 19 years old, and this yu will find won't be far from out ov the wa. The next best thing iz tew begin moderate; say once every nite in the week for the fust six months, increasing the dose az the patient seems to require it. It is a fust rate wa tew court the girl's mother a leetle on the start, for there iz one thing a woman never despizes, and that iz, a leetle good courting, if it iz dun strikly on the square. After the fust year yu will begin tew like the bizzness. Thare is one thing i alwus advise, and that iz not to swop fotograffs oftener than once in 10 daze, unles yu forget how the gal looks. Okasionally yu want tew look sorry, and draw in yure wind az tho yu had pain, this will set the gal tew teazing yutew find out what ails yu. Evening meetings are a good thing tu tend, it will keep yure religgion in tune, and then if the gal happens to be thare, bi accident, she can ask yu tew go hum with her. As a general thing i wouldn't brag on uther gals much when i waz courting, it mite look az tho' yu knu tew much. If yu will court 3 years in this wa awl the time on the square, if yu don't sa it iz a leettle the slikest time in your life, yu kan git measured for a hat at my expense, and pa for it. Don't court for munny, nor buty, nor relashuns, these things are just about az onsartin az the kerosene ile refining bissness, liable tew git out ov repair and bust at any minnit.