The Stark County Democrat

Miscellaneous.

Gen. Jos. H. Geiger

'Snapping Turtles. Human and Animal.'

HIS LECTURE AT THE OPERA
HOUSE LAST FRIDAY NIGHT.

THE BEST LECTURE OF THE SEASON, WITH
THE ELITE AND FASHION OF THE
CITY IN ATTENDANCE

It was full of fun, humor, telling hits,
serious reflections, and pointed morals
drawn from the "chelonia." Not as large
an audience as the merits of the speaker
demanded was in attendance, but those
that were there left delighted, instructed
and well pleased that they were present.
The lecturer commenced in a humorous,
yet clear tone of voice, which of it-
self was a sufficient incentive to laughter.
He said before he left Columbus his
friends had predicted that he could not
get an audience in Toledo of 33 respecta-
ble people. He was very glad to see that
they more than doubled that calcula-
tion. [Laughter.] He was very happy
to see them all there that evening, and
as they had to do their part of the busi-
ness, he supposed, that for the privilege
of appearing in his august and mighty
presence, they were all equally glad to
see him, as they should be for that priv-
ilege. It was not often that he had the
privilege of addressing such an audience
as that before him, and it was not often
that they had the privilege of hearing
such a man as himself; [laughter] and
therefore they were in a manner equally
congratulated. As an old lady in Penn-
sylvania once said: she had tried for
five years to get a contented mind and
could not get it, and now she was deter-
mined to be content without it. [Laugh-
ter.] If they would be patient, and try
and be pleased with what they heard
they would have one of the best socials
they had ever seen in the city of Toledo.
He knew it would be a strain upon their
nerves, a trial to their endurance, and a
stretch upon their seats, and they would
probably make strong and earnest plead-
ings, and he could assure them they
would have his prayers for their success.
[Laughter.]
There had been some controversy re-
garding his personal appearance, in Ohio
among the newspapers. The Springfield
Republic said he was the homeliest man
in the State. The London Enterprise said
he was the best looking man in Colum-
bus, [laughter] and the Springfield Tran-
script said, "God pity Columbus." He
hoped the London Enterprise was right.
[Laughter.] Because the passions may
change, and hope may vanish, but a
thing of beauty is a joy forever. [Laugh-
ter.] He knew not what others might
think, he could say what few could, he
had improved. When he was quite a
baby, at home in old Pennsylvania, his
mother was holding him upon her knee;
and he was sick and cross tempered.
There was a man that stepped up and
looked at him, and he was squalling and
screaming and yelling. Says the man:
"Mrs. Geiger, there is a great deal of com-
fort in having that kind of a brat."
"Why?" answered his mother, who did
not particularly see any. "Well," said
the man, "he might live to be a thousand
years of age and he will never be any
uglier." [Laughter.]
He could compliment them by promis-
ing he would not detain them long. Not
more than an hour and a half. If at that
time he had given them sufficient, they
would go away satisfied, and if by that
time he had wearied them, they would
be willing to retire. [Laughter.] It was
always better for a speaker to stop when
his audience had a notion he should pro-
ceed, then go on until he had a notion
he should stop. [Laughter.] But some
men have no common sense." He always
had. [Laughter.] That was what dis-
tinguished him. [Laughter.] Some men
were like old coffee mills—had an idea
that they should run faster when they
were empty than when they were full.
They go on until their words become
like self-righteousness, the more you
have of it the worse you are off. [Laugh-
ter.] There they have a minister of the
Gospel, going on, and on, until the con-
gregation were perfectly exhausted, and
they solemnly begin to consider whether
it would not be a little better to go to
the
than be saved by such preach-
ing: They will have to patiently wait
until he has gone over his firstly, his
secondly, his thirdly and his fourthly.
His "in conclusion," and finally, lastly.
and a "few practical observations," until
the congregation will have exclaimed
from their hearts, "How long, oh! Lord
how long?"
[Laughter.] They had
here a lawyer beating the air with his
arms, disturbing the court, the jury and
the bystanders with his exemplary re-
marks, until his beholders begin to look
upon him something like as they would
the mathematic definition of a line
"length without breadth or depth."
[Laughter.] Yet they had been com-
pelled to listen to it. Politicians were
noted for their long-winded endurance
in making speeches. They would go on
for hours humbugging their listeners
with their windyness, and it cost more
for the Government of the United States
to pay for these foolish harangues in
Congress than it did to keep up her for-
eign relations. He knew it to be so from
experience, as he, himself, had served in
the Ohio Senate, and since then he had
concluded that if God would forgive him
for that offence he would never attempt
to repeat it. [Laughter.] On one occa-
sion he calculated to gain for himself a
reputation. He was ambitious and was
aspiring to write a name on high that
would never die, and he spoke a day and
half. [Laughter.]
When the question was first mooted
about him delivering his talk, or his lec-
ture, before a Toledo audience he thought
he was entirely too long winded for wes-
tern men. They asked him whether
they thought he could draw. He re-
plied, "Yes, of course I can draw." The
very first thing I ever did in my life was
to draw [laughter] my breath, [renewed
laughter.] and that he intended to draw
so long as he saw any other man draw
his. [Laughter.] His next effort to draw
was to draw cider through a bung hole
with a piece of straw, and in that he was
a complete success. He could draw lit-
orary men from their studies, scholars
from their books, the rich from their vel-
vet carpets, the poor from their poverty,
the laborer from his toil, the farmer
from his plow, and with persuasion he
could draw every inmate in every peni-
tentiary and jail to him, and he could
attract more closely whatever he drew.
[Applause.] The people present would
be glad that they were born to hear such
a man as he, and those not present would
go down to their graves in sorrow, be-
cause they had missed that opportunity
of hearing him. [Laughter.]
As they had read, "No prophet is with-
out honor, save in his own country."
That infallible utterance, given years ago,
was still valid. We have prophets, in
our own day, who are noted for their
talents, and eminent for their learning.
and yet they seem to be disregarded.
They had to import learning from other
places. Ohio was a great and mighty
State, great in her own resources, great
in the extent of her dominions, and
mighty and renowned as being the abode
of himself and the "immortal J. N."
[Laughter.] It was high time that they
pay attention to and commence to like
and preserve their own distinguished
personages. But great men are not often
noticed before they die; and then lofty
monuments are raised in honor of their
names, with towering summits and broad
characters, commemorative of the career
of the heroes engraved thereon. [Ap-
plause.] What good does this do to the
dead? They cannot reap any benefit
from it, and as the gambler once said.
when asked to insure his life in an insur-
ace company, "There is no fun in a
game you have to die to win." He went
on at some length characterizing the lack
of interest manifested in relation to lit-
erary subjects, the apathy there was for
any of their own distinguished men, and
the antagonism many new prophets had
to contend with. He lauded the State of
Ohio as having furnished men and Gen-
erals for the army, having sent its men
to the Senate, and as having furnished
two of the Presidents of the United States.
[Applause.] He did not know whose
fault it was that there was such a lack of
encouragement to literary speculators
but he did not know that it was a shame
and a dishonor to the State of Ohio.
Permit him then to return to his le-
gitimate subject. His lecture, like others.
would be composed of words! words!
words!!! And everything depended on
the manner in which he used those
words. Their arrangement and context
so as to make a humorous lecture. If at
the conclusion, his arrangement of the
words did not suit them, they could just
throw them together to suit themselves.
[Laughter.] He had not chosen to ad-
dress them on Light, Heat or Electricity
because he was not a scientific man. But
if he had chosen any one of these sub-
jects he would have gone to his encyclo-
pedia, and in two days he could have
stolen therefrom a lecture, and have
committed it to memory, which would
upon its delivery, cause the people to
gape with wonder, and remark, "What a
clever little old fellow that is." [Laugh-
ter.] But, as Moncure D. Conway said:
"I know nothing about it." He knew
very little about the last mentioned man,
and from what he had heard, he thought
that the less he knew the better. He
certainly enjoyed an unenviable reputa-
tion among orthodox Christians. But he
did not want to say anything about this
man, and he would let him alone, if he
(Conway) would let him alone. He felt
in regard to this subject, something like
the Irishman when he was about to die.
The priest addressing him said: "Why,
Patrick, you are not afraid to meet your
God, are you?" "No, your reverence,"
said the Irishman, "it is the other gen-
tleman I'm afraid to meet." [Laughter.]
The great subject of American pane-
gyric, was the eagle. He was certainly
of noble birth, and was a bird of undis-
puted good qualities. He could keep his
head cool on the Canadian frontier, warm
his tail in the Gulf of Mexico, dip one
wing in the Atlantic ocean, and receive
the refreshing breezes from the surface
of the Pacific on the other; and on the
Fourth of July build his nest wherever
he pleased. It was a bird begotten for
fighting purposes, and before his pen
feathers were set he whipped the British
Lion, and now in full plume he can tie
one claw behind his back, and with the
other whip any bird, beast or symbol of
any nature, which represents the other
nations. [Applause.] That is what they
say.
But the "Snapping Turtle" was no bird
at all. [Laughter.] And he did not want
it to be a bird. He had not feathers in
his tail [laughter] and he did not want
to have feathers in his tail. [Laughter.]
He had no use for them, and when he
sees the eagle performing his acrobatic
feats in mid air, he wonders why he does
not quit and come down and behave him-
self as he does. He is not particularly
combative, yet he could fight, even
whilst young, and everybody knows
what an old snapper can do. You can
take his head from his body, and yet he
will exhibit symptoms of life. Some-
thing like the Irishman when he took off
a turtle's head and still saw indications
of what is termed life. Said he, "The
creature is dead, only he ain't conscious
of it."
A turtle never knows what it is to quit
he always holds on. He has as his
motto, "Never give up; stick till the last."
This was a good motto for man as well as
the turtle. It was good for any man to
fight on, labor on, "for while there is life
there is hope." Years ago, when Paul
Jones went forth upon the ocean, he had
the control of a poor miserable hulk that
the United States had procured from
France to fight England with. They had
not been long at sea before they came in
sight of a much larger vessel belonging
to the English. A fight was commenced,
and the firing was heavy and continu-
ous. The poor old hulk was drifting
slowly, helplessly, almost hopelessly, to
the side of the adversary's ship. Still
they kept up courage. Further did they
drift: the masts had been blown over-
board—the very frame work of the small
bark had been riddled with the shots
from the English ship, and slowly she
was sinking beneath the seething waters,
and all the time drifting nearer the
enemy. There came a shout from the
antagonist, "Have you surrendered?"
When the commander of the sinking
ship replied, "No, by heavens! we have
not began to fight yet." [Applause.] The
adversary's ship was boarded, whilst
their own ship sank in the ocean, and
the prize, which so recently bore aloft
the Union Jack, now sailed proudly be-
neath the streaming flag of their own
country. [Applause.]
To return to this legitimate subject.
The turtle was amphibious. He can
live on the water or on the land, or wal-
low in the mud to his satisfaction. He
could eat fish, flesh or fowl, and when
hard pressed can get away with a little
boarding house hash. [Laughter.] The
turtle, like all philosophers of might and
power, can bear the sufferings of others
with much more resignation than he can
his own. Like Napoleon he is grand,
gloomy and peculiar, and like George
Washington, he never told a lie. Like
Lord Byron, he is philanthropic, and
realizes the force of the saying, "Why
should I for others mourn when none
will sigh for me?"
He came into the world seemingly an
orphan. He does not boast of his de-
scent, [laughter] for he does not know
who his parents were. He does not
want to know, either. [Laughter.] for they
might want him to call around in their
old age.
The lecturer here extensively moral-
ized upon these remarks. He showed
how some people vainly boasted of their
descent, and looked not upon their worth
as apart from this. One of the greatest
men America could boast of was a man
who commenced life as a shoemaker and
afterwards became a President. All great
and distinguished men have had to push
their way up in the world. Any person
may jump into the tide of good fortune
and be borne along with ease, but it takes
a man to jump into the river and face
the foaming current, and with deter-
mined energy force his way through the
battling waters, until he picks himself
out, above the cataract, and rearing him-
self aloft, proudly looks down upon the
seething waters beneath with the satis-
faction of a conqueror. [Applause.]
Think like a man, speak like a man, act
like a man and be a man. Go on un-
daunted. Fear God and know no other
fear. [Applause.] Among the men he
lauded, foremost came George Washing-
ton, who was the first man in his age,
who dared to take the bold stand he did.
John Q. Adams also received a tribute of
laudation, and Whittier was not forgot-
ten.
The turtle was the only animal that
could swallow his own head and tail, or
eyes. [Laughter.] While he rests he is
his own landlord. He owns the house
in which he lives. It protects him from
the sun in the heat of the day, from the
wind and cold in wintry weather, and
from the rains in the wet season. He
takes it about with him wherever he
goes. He is always at home, and he
never wants to see any person else at
his home. He never makes any tea-
parties. [Laughter.]
The humorous speaker gave some very
pointed illustrations of human beings
who, like the snapping turtle, snapped
at everything, and were suited with
nothing.
The turtle was very independent. At
the time the flood overflowed this coun-
try, and all the other animals went into
the ark, he did not so much as ask Noah
for admission. Whilst others were strug-
gling for life in that flood, he went around
taking care of himself and having a gen-
eral "bum" on his own hook. Of course
he thought every morning that there
had been a very heavy dew, and at night
that it was rather foggy, and at all times
that it was generally damp.
The "Snapping Turtle" does not be-
lieve in carrying tales; but it believes in
the universal privilege and independence
of being your own "boss." He generally
has a shut mouth, although he can open
it as wide as he pleases. Something like
an old maid, of whom he once heard.
He did not desire to speak disrespect-
fully of old maids, because he was an old
bachelor himself, [laughter] and there
was no telling how things might turn out.
He remembered whilst speaking upon
the matter recently, to show his earnest-
ness, he said that "if there was any old
maid present, who was strictly respecta-
ble and honorable, he would be on the
stand for five minutes after the lecture,
and she could come up. And if she
suited me and I suited her; why, if I did
not marry her myself, I would refer her
to somebody else." [Roars of laughter.]
An old maid sent him word next morn-
ing that she preferred the recommenda-
tion. [Renewed laughter.] He often
wished he had been born an old maid:
and looking over his spectacles he inno-
cently asked: "Wouldn't I have been a
beauty?" [Laughter.] He thought all
old maids good, and God had simply pre-
vented them taking husbands because
he had some other nobler purpose for
them. But to return. The old maid he
was speaking of wanted to be married.
When a certain friend of his returned
from the Senate, she asked him what
they were doing there. He replied that
there was nothing particular going on
there. Nevertheless there was one pe-
culiar law which they had just passed,
and that was that all old maids with
small mouths were to have a husband.
She screwed her mouth up to its smallest
compass, and half through her nose said:
"You don't say so!" He then went on
and stated that just previous to his de-
parture there was still a more curious
law passed. That was that any woman
with a large mouth was to have three
husbands. She then relaxed the muscles
around her mouth, and opening it to its
widest extent, answered: "Is that so?
Is that so?" [Laughter.]
In the concluding part of his lecture
Mr. Geiger gave some very amusing
sketches of what would be the result and
the convenience attending man's forma-
tion something on the plan of the turtle.
His anatomy then would enable him to
drop down his head into his shoulders,
which would be more than convenient
on many occasions. In the church it
could serve as an indicator. Let it be
understood, as the parson read over the
ten commandments, that each time some
particular sin was mentioned, those
guilty of it must just "drop in." At the
conclusion what a headless level would
be visible, and it is very probable the
parson's head would be going up and
down all the time. [Laughter.] He
trusted they would then allow him to
"drop out." [Applause.]—Toledo Dem.