The Newport Gazette

For the NEWPORT GAZETTE.

And Oyster Women lock their Fish up,
To go about, and cry, to Bishop.
HUDIBRAS,

The Leaders of the Continental Army,
having been unsuccessful in their
endeavours to recruit their Forces, begin to
suspect they are likely to have but a poor
time of it: the approaching Campaign;
and, indeed, have not scrupled to blame
the Lover and Brother, who, when dismissed
by General Sullivan, were so earnestly counselled unite and join together, in their
Struggles for the Cause, and to come back
as soon as they had comforted their involuntarily ravished Spouses.

What Assiduity and Application may be
necessary to restore Tranquillity to a Breast
burnt and afflicted by an involuntary Rape, is
a Point I cannot ascertain; but the Generals,
it is more than probable, have determined
it, and, from their repeated Calls, seem
to think there has been abundant Time allowed, not only to console the Spouses, but
the ravished Lover, and the Sister too. But
So fugitive a Thing is Yankee Grandeur,
that he who sees whole Crowds of straight-
daired Heroes, bowing to him at Pancake-
Day, may, if he lives till the Ash-Wednesday. pass along unnoticed.

What Passion, but Despair, can find a
Seat in the perturbed Souls of these great
Men? Indeed, nothing less than an Extinguishing of the heaven-born Fire of Freedom
were imminent, had not the Ladies of Providence engaged to entertain the Framers.-
These Vestals of a Fishing-Town, possess a
Frame so happily robust, that in the World.
of Hamlet, speaking of a Person he revered,
Nature might stand up and say, This is a
Man. Doubts have arisen in the learned
World about the Cause. of this Diversity in
the Species, and Doubts they must remain,
for any Light that we can throw upon the
Matter. The most regular Reasoners, however, prove it to be the Result either of a
First Cause, or of crimped Cod. To Philosophy, therefore, shall we leave it to decide, whether a Diet composed of Pan-Fish
and Molasses, with a Sufficiency of Rum,
or Regimen of mere Flesh, be more conducive to expand the human Soul into the
higher and more active Dispositions; and
having dismissed this Difficulty, we resume
our Subject. The Vestals of Providence that they Great, have then, it seems, been distressed exceedingly at the dwindled State, and tot-
tering Condition, of the American Affairs; with a Hand truly patriotic, they resolve to
cherish them. In this View, they propose,
as a preliminary Step, to raise a Body of
Men and teaching them the manual Exercise, to put them, early in the Field. The
Command of these Levies will naturally be
given to these Ladies, and, to avoid annoyances Struggles and Contentions, each
Candidate to produce a Proof of her Abilities in the military Art, as a Ground for
her Pretensions. Those who have kept up
the strictest Discipline in their own Families will be considered first: And in this
Point; it is said, the married Dames are
likely to be promoted; there being a Number of Matrons, perfectly Martinete, whose
Habitatians have borne no small Analogy
to well drilled Garrisons, for some Years
past.--The Head and Shoulders of the
Husband will, if the Characters be fair and
legible, pass as a just Certificate of the
Powers of the Candidate : and if the Traces
of the Horse Whip can be found, a Regiment of Dragoons will follow. These delicate Assertors of the Rights of Men have
fixed upon an Uniform, and certain Regulations, fit to distinguish them from other
Officers. They are to have their Heads,
and let their Beards grow. Those who are
grey, will be allowed a due Proportion of
Lamp-Black and Oil, to give a decent Color to their Whiskers, which no Lady shall
under the Drapery of a Shield-of-Arms will be allowed to wear uncurled. As the Rifle. Men
are not quite so numerous as they were before the little Skirmish at Bedford last Year,
every Officer is to have a Rifle Shift. None
but a Brigadier General to be allowed to
wear a Petticoat and Pattens. Every Officer to wear Stays Or jumps, except when
breeding; but before an Officer can be returned pregnant, she must submit to the
Process of a Court of Enquiry. A Breach
of this Formality, or a collusive Proceeding:
will attract the severest Penalty ; nothing less
than the Lady's being dismissed the Service,
and deemed to have behaved unlike a Gentleman.

We now come to an Article of the Dress
to be worn by these tender Troops ; which
will not only be an Ornament to their Persons as Soldiers, but do Honour to their
Feelings us Women.

To be perfectly sensible of this humane Intention, it may be proper to observe, that a great Depopulation
of the Colonies is likely to ensue from their
present Undertaking, unless some prudent
Measures be adopted to prevent it: and it
is evident that according to the usual Mode
of conducting, an Intercourse between the
Sexes, a considerable Proportion of that
precious Fugitive Time is lamentably lost,
in dull Decorum aud chaste Coyness:
All which Procrastination would be easily
banished from the World, were Men to
know, at the first Sight, whether they are in
a Train for good Success or not. But Education so influences our Conduct, that it is
able to obstruct even the most natural Tendencies ; that vulgar Part of it called Bash.
fulness, is certainly the very Antidote of the
finer Passions. A Man, though seething
with Respect for a fine Woman, finds an
Awkwardness hang about him, if he proposes
to make a Tender of his Heart to her,
without, as it were, feeling the Pulse of her
Affection. without watching the Eyes and
Progress of his Sedulousness to please ;
while he, taking a Part with the age
Retaliate, shackles a generous Passion with
the Bonds of Form and feigned Indifference.

These soldier-like Dames of the Fishing-
Town, have, by this noble Effort, relieved
themselves and the agonizing Lovers they
may have, from this Embarrassment; they
wear a Belt, which, while it binds their
Bosoms, lets the expanding Heart in perfect
Freedom.

It descends most gracefully from the shoulder to the swelling Hip, it has no Scymeter
appending to it, but wears the peaceful and
inviting Word Liberty.

Let any Man not figure to himself a lovely Lass with her Hair cropped, Jack Boots
on her gentle Legs, and a Rifle in her ready
Hand, let him then answer upon the Information of his Conscience whether so formidable an Appearance would warm him into
Love or prompt him to press his Passion :
But if he sees that dear Word Liberty beaming It's genuine Light, the Belt becomes a
torrid Zone.

It has been long observed, how many a
modest Milliner is thrown out of a World of
Business in London, merely because desiring
to be thought a Gentlewoman, she cannot
bring herself to the Indignity of hanging out
a Sign; while perhaps she might have had
her Hands full, had she been wise enough to
let her Name and Trade be written on her
Window Shutter. And not only her own
Distress and Disappointment is the Attendant of her false Modesty, but the Public suffers an Inconvenience of great Importance
to a commercial Country. How often do
Mistakes happen to those who are soaring being Customers,from not knowing where the
Thing they want is to be sold : Well meaning
Persons have been known to ask for Padlocks
at a Staymakers, a Saddle at'a Silversmith,
or Brimstone at a Maintenancemaker.

Our Sea-port Goddesses, freed. therefrom
with such irrfragable Proofs of the most pious Concern of the Consequences of false
Modesty, hold out an unambiguous Index of their Benevolence to Mankind,, - which, like a Name
on a Hackney Coach, directs the Traveller to the Vehicle he can hire, and saves
him 'an unnecessary Application to the
Driver of a private Carriage, who, besides
laughing in his Face, might perhaps remain
inexorable, and order him to walk himself
to Death, rather than let him up and ride.
How much more easy is it to know a Lady's
Mind by this intelligible Language of the
Belt, than the uncertain Dialect of the most
expressive Eyes. These Organs are but imperfect Ministers to Sentiment, too tender,
and too liable to Accidents : But with the
Belt, a Beauty may explain herself, though
She has but a single Eye …-And if this astonishing Improvement reaches the Cape of Good
Hope, we may conjecture the Hottentot Ladies
will readily adopt it : since Nature has
been pleased to furnish them with a natural
Belt, exceedingly convenient as to Situation,
broad enough for each thing or embroidering
that talismanic Term LIBERTY, without
cramping a Single Letter on it.

There is, however, one Objection to this
Discovery; which indeed rather shows its
general Insufficiency of human Art, than a
Defect inherent only to this Novelty. It
is. that Leather, in Spite of all the Effects
of the tanning Art, will still be Leather;
so that a Word which ought in Boston to be
carved on Brass, is, in this instance, merely
pictured upon perishable Hide. Men, a
Variety of accidents may arise those Letters : for Life, alas, is full of Rubs. What
then must be the Fate of the unhappy Amulet ? A Tear! A Tear, Compassion! or
at least a Hint at least, to help the Ladies to a lasting Set of Characters.

But let them be of Comfort. Cannot
Letters be distinctly traced with Blue veins
on the human Skin? Hah! by Heaven, it is
a Thought of the first Magnitude. What
though Petty-Larceners and Washer women
inscribe the Initials of their Names upon their
brawny Arms, yet in the Colour is expressed
&vo or Liberty. it cannot be dispensed with.
Liberty, it must be owned, is an Affair on
which Mankind have entertained a vast Variety of Ideas, but in one of its Essences
they all agree: no Man so Stupid but is
certain Liberty is blue. To deny this, were
to raise the Evidence of Truth itself: For
Liberty is derived from Heaven--Heaven is
blue, therefore, Liberty is blue of Course :
and indeed if this were not a Fact. it would
follow that an azure Belt in no more expressive of true Freedom. than a yellow one red
One, ~nich would be such a Heresy in Politics as most Americans would execrate.

If any of the Generals in the GRAND
CONTINENTAL ARMY. have a Heart
the Honour of these Soldier Ladies, and any
Interest with the Turnkey of Newgate,
they may get the Secret of working these
new Camisoles with the venerable tryout of
the Old-Bailey ; by which Means they
may be burned in, like Old China; while
that Persuasion of the human Species.
which follows in the Train of War, .shall
amply be compensated by the Industry and
Application of these Vestals. America
lift up your Thistern Heads! the Amazons
of Providence have sworn, even by their
Beards and Belts. to be your Friends : Stand
forth, ye radiant Patterns ni excelling Nature, ye Portraits ct sweet Womanhood and
Loveliness ! Come to your Place, ye Colonel
Abigails, ye Major Sarah, and ye Captain
Bathsheba'! The Small-Arms of your genuine Beauty were dormant; but Tho
Blunderbusses aud Six-pounders of your fastitious Charms!, will put the Serpent down,
and raise whole Mobs of Statues to your
Memory: