Helena Weekly Herald

THE NEWSPAPER ENGLISH OF
THE FUTURE.

Picked up a paper here to-day.
And, by my conscience, I must say,
That they do write in the funniest way
Some time ago. over my cup.
Went sound asleep-just woke up;
Must have been-well, let me see-
Eighteen hundred sixty-three.
Cows came along-bells would tinkle-
Roused me up-a second old Winkle;
Fell asleep by their say-so.
Nine and thirty years ago.
About that paper? I was struck
All in a heap, sir; just my luck;
"Miss Susan Smiller will elocute
Next Thursday evening." I stood mute:
Never, in all my life, had heard
Of such an outlandish, barbarous word.
Elocute? Elocute? I declare!
I bit my whiskers and pulled my hair;
Looked in my Webster. it wasn't there.
Gave the thing up in wild despair-
Said to myself-"It's mighty quair,
Pretty near choked myself with rage;
Paper set forth on another page-
Wonderful piece of local news—
"People up town are going to enthuse,"
And then this thing gets worse and worse.
"To-morrow the citizens anniverse."
"July Fourth, happy to state
Folks are all going to declarate."
Think I'd better shut up shop
"Mr. A. B. is a philanthrop !"
And then, look here, why bless my eyes,
What in the world is "bismarckize?"
Eyes of mine, can you be trusted?
"Coal'oil factory all combusted!"
"Ci.cumtrench your favorite fruits!"
"Mexican Empire revolutes!"
And since the days I went to school,
What sort of a thing's a "perpendicule?"
Reading along, why, bless my fate,
Here's a man who is going to orate.
Why, what on earth's this paper about?
I'll go stark mad if I don't find out.
Must be French, and yet I vow
I never heard of the word till now.
Folding the paper, undecided,
Bless me, some one's homicided.
Oh. my coevals. show to me
The good old English of '63.
Laid down the paper right away,
For by my conscience, I must say
That they do write in the funniest way.