Jenks's Portland Gazette

The Clan!
"Tenet insanabile multos
Scribendi Cacoethes."
The curse of writing is an endless itch,
MR. JENKS,
I PERFECTLY agree with your correspondent, Crito, respecting the disease which afflicts Alma Mater, or rather Crack-house; which appellation he has very modestly given himself in his late wonderful, or, if you please, blunderful, metaphorical composition.
This malady has been treated with great success, by many very reputable practitioners, who have subdivided its general operation into several distinct classes; each admitting of a different method of treatment; and after having closely investigated the symptoms severally attributed to them. I think I have succeeded in verifying the case in question, as it is described by a very celebrated, medical writer.
The Cacoethes Scribendi (says this great man) is a malady of the most foul and most inveterate kind. The cause of this loathsome distemper, is most certainly wind. This being pent in the stomach for some time, and the rules of good breeding not permitting it, in public places, to take its natural course, it flies up to the head, and after being whirled about for some time in that empty region, at length discharges itself, with great violence on the organ
of speech. This occasions an involuntary motion in that member! which continues with great rapidity for a longer or shorter time, according to the power or force of the original blast which set it in motion. This volubility, or rather vibration of the tongue. (which descends sympathetically to the fingers) is accompanied with certain unintelligible sounds and descriptions, which like the barking of persons bit by a mad dog, are the most satisfactory proofs of the malignity of the distemper. I but frequently observed poor wretches thus afflicted, sending forth such dismal and piercing brays, and penning such piteous paragraphs, as has really melted my heart within me.
The sage then proceeds as follows.—I would advise that the miserable creatures, whose complaints are confirmed, should be immediately taken into some strong hold; or perhaps a house of correction might answer the purpose better. if more easily obtained. He then should be attended by some skillful Shaver, who must immediately direct the patient of those excrescences. usually called hair and eye-brows ; a convenient quantity of clean straw ought to be brought into the room, on which he may be indulged to lay, or it, at pleasure ; the strait jacket may then be applied, and should the object prove obstreperous, a whip, made either of rope or cow-hide, may be used with extraordinary success; the apartment should then be darkened and pen, ink, paper, and books of all kinds except pious ones, carefully withheld. This method of treatment, may be efficacious. in the lighter degrees of the infection : but if it has gained ground so far, as to cause the maniac to threaten destruction to mugs and bowls containing punch, or other good liquors, by attempts at demolishing them with a sword, bayonet, pistol or other unlawful weapon—in such a case, repeated drenchings, purgatives and clysters, must be liberally administered, even should the patient express ever so much repugnance to receive them.
Now sir. should the officers of the town, whether constables, hog-reeves &c. under whose immediate cognizance, vagabonds, disturbers of the peace, and other disorderly persons are immediately placed; should they. I say, think fit to take notice of this affair, the sooner it is done the better ; as, I understand, there are two or three stump-tuous situations, vacant in the new building, lately built in this town at the expense of the county. for the accommodation of individuals of the above description; two or three of which, having lately evacuated their lodgings in that place will leave room sufficient, not only for the unfortunate Crack Louse, but also for one or two others belonging to the same family
CELSUS.