The Wilmingtonian, And Delaware Register

From the Blank-Book of a small College.

THE COMMERCIAL GENTLEMAN.

It was during a tour in the west of England, in the long vacation that a College friend and myself put up at an Inn at Falmouth, frequented by Commercial Gentlemen. Anxious to see life in all its varieties, we entered the traveller's room, the only inmate of which was a fat, bustling, red-faced, self-important gentleman, who was devouring oysters with all his energies. My wagish friend, Waters, ever on the watch for a joke, at once accosted him! 'You are fond of oysters, I presume, sir?' 'Very sir,' and he swallowed with a smack the last of six dozen.' 'Far be it from me to alarm you, sir,' returned the other, with a countenance of the deepest concern—'but I own I feel surprised at your partiality for Falmouth oysters. You are of course aware, that, in consequence of their vicinity to the mines, they contain a quantity of poisonous metallic substance, which causes sickness and swelling, and sometimes even death, in the oyster-eater.' 'Metallic substance! poisonous vicinity!' returned the man of journeys, pettishly: 'I've eaten many a barrel of oysters in my time, sir, and'—'I hope you'll eat many more,' interrupted Waters, 'although, upon my soul, I doubt it.' However au revoir, and we left him for a stroll about the town. On our return to supper, after an hour's ramble, we found the Commercial gentleman pacing up and down the room—'non j'assibiu equis.'—and evidently awaiting, with some anxiety, our re-appearance. 'Sir,' said he to Waters, in the most silvery tones, 'I have been considering what you told me, and—and—I feel rather queer.' 'Now don't let me alarm you,' said Waters, with his most imperturbable face, 'but we remarked to each other, as we entered the room, that your countenance was perceptibly altered.' 'Now are you serious? Oh dear? what shall I do? Do advise me!' 'Call in a medical man directly,' said the wag. 'and that no time may be lost I myself will be your messenger.' He soon found a country practitioner, whom he summoned to see a friend of his, of very shattered nerves, who fancied himself poisoned by eating a few oysters! The affair, in consequence took a new turn. After Mr. Gobbblestone had detailed his case with the utmost earnestness, 'Yes, yes,' says the Doctor to us, in a whisper, 'I see very clearly how matters stand. Evidently disordered in the brain. Wrong here,' and he tapped, in the most knowing manner, his own bald pericranium. 'I'll humor him.' To the patient, with a smile, he continued, 'Yes, sir, yes; Cornish oysters are most pernicious—highly pernicious—fatally pernicious; you must be bled without delay, a blister to-morrow, if necessary; a cooling draught on going to bed, and I shall send a mixture to be taken every three hours.' The Commercial Gentleman was then bled, and hurried off to his pillow: Waters was determined to keep up the joke, and while assisting him to undress, secreted his waistcoat; we then had the broad back taken out, and a very narrow one substituted. Early next morning, I made a point of seeing the invalid. 'I hope you are better, Mr. Gobbblestone?'—'O! I am as well as ever I was in my life. It was all a joke, wasn't it?' said he with what was meant to be the insinuating smile, 'I knew it was all a joke: ha! ha! ha!' 'Well I hope you will find it such,' said I, slyly depositing the waistcoat, and making my exit. We had hardly begun breakfast, when the unfortunate Londoner rushed in, his eyes staring—his teeth chattering—and desperation marked on every feature.—'I'm a dead man—poisoned—done for—gone. Look! my waistcoat, that I pulled off with ease last night, won't meet any where by three inches this morning! Oh, I see it plainly—my hours are numbered, and I'm to be another victim to these fatal oysters. Yes, from the first moment you mentioned it, I was sure it was all over with me! I feel myself swelling every minute! Help! help! send for a surgeon—but it's in vain, I'm beyond the reach of medicine. Oh dear! Oh dear! how very, very hard to die in this out-of-the-way place, and all for the sake of a few oysters! for God's sake, gentlemen, take pity on a dying man—my life's invaluable to the firm.—How long d'ye think I shall live? Have I time to make my will? Think of the firm! What will they say, when they think of my untimely end? I'm going—I feel it—my breath's leaving me! Help! I say, help!' The joke had now become serious, for the Commercial Gentleman was black in the face, and we determined on telling him the truth. He listened to us with glistening eyes; at the conclusion, smiled in the most ghastly manner, and then rushed precipitately from the room. A full quarter of an hour was spent in incessant roar of laughter, and when that time had elapsed, we sought him with the landlady; she told us that on leaving the room, he called for his bill, settled it like a lord, ordered a chaise, and quitted the town. The recollection of his lovely countenance when he left us, half a dozen empty phials, a cooling mixture, an empty pill-box, and some saline draughts, were all we had to console us for a surgeon's bill of three guineas, the sum we had the pleasure of paying for our hoax on the Commercial Gentleman.