Fowle's New Hampshire Gazette And General Advertiser

Messieurs Printers,

HAVE observed lately in your useful Gazette, &c. several scraps, satirizing that respectable class of people, called Bachelors; I flatter myself I shall not incur the displeasure of the female world; especially that part of it commonly styled Old Maids, if I attempt their defence.

To begin then; he who combats Hymen, with all his train of pleasures, and whose motives arise from a sense of inability to protect a connection of the dearest nature from the disagreeable pressures of want, deserves a plaudit from all concerned for his spirit; as on the other hand, he who courts the affections of the more ornamental part of our species, sensible of such inability, deserves to be branded for the want of it: hence it is we so often see matches made up in poverty and distress, fraught with mischievous consequences, the fair partner upbraiding her lord for deceiving her with false pretensions, and delusive prospects: I have often thought the ladies in that venerable line of life, opposed to the honorable one of a Bachelor, deserve to be celebrated for their heroism; they reject the want of it in a man who would sacrifice their happiness to a passion unworthy, when not directed by prudence: The Bachelor judiciously weighs these important concerns, and determines to withstand the fiery trial, and wait till his deliverance comes: and while with patience and resignation he is submissive to a hard fate, his benevolent heart is open to the wants of the widow, and the tears of the fatherless; he administers to the one aged, wipes away the tears of the fatherless. Let us view him taxes are levied for the education of children, for the support of an alms-house (the subjects of which are composed of Hymens friends) and though he receives no benefit from either, except the former, when it happens that some of his weaker brethren casts a blot in the escutcheon, yet he contributes a share without a murmur. Is there any employment in which he can be serviceable to the community that his generous soul does not aspire after: a lasting monument of this, Messieurs Printers, we have in this town verified in the late Fathers of it, two of them were of this order, and to their honor be it spoken, have discharged a trust with a faithfulness which has merited the applause of the people: In short, the Bachelor is heroic, patient, prudent, benevolent and patriotic: One of your correspondents, proposed a plan for raising a revenue by a tax on Bachelors, to be appropriated to certain purposes: when I consider the prevailing principle in this particular, which influences mankind in general, viz. envy, I conclude it proceeds not from a desire to make them happier, that he proposes this method of obliging them to change conditions, but attributable to his own wretchedness in that state, and upon his principle, neither common sense nor justice would give it encouragement. Give me leave to substitute another in its stead. Let there be a tribunal erected consisting of twelve Bachelors, before whose bar, at the end of every year shall be arraigned those who are united together in wedlock. and a fair representation be by them made of their happy or unhappy moments, passed in the intervening Space, and if it shall appear by confession, proof or otherwise, that they are tortured with any of the disquietudes incident to those who do not look before they leap, or cannot clear themselves by oath or affirmation of the charges of violation, jealousies, jarring and bickering, shall forfeit and pay into the treasury provided for that purpose, three pounds: And whereas, from the severity of the season, some may be disposed to perjure themselves; for the prevention of which, and that there may be no failure of justice, it is proposed that an appeal shall be granted to twelve reputable Old Maids, who shall sit sometime in the month of May annually, whose judgment and determination shall be deemed final: And that the fines arising from this scheme shall be disposed of as follows; one moiety to every Old Maid and Bachelor, turned of thirty, in equal division, as a reward for their virtue and perseverance; the other moiety to every widow and widower, who shall produce a certificate from the court of appeals to the treasurer, setting forth that they have not been guilty of a breach of this act; and as a reward for their constancy, and encouragement to others, they are entitled to an equal share:

If this plan, Messieurs Printers, meets the approbation of those who are for hunting down a worthy part of the community, whose sentiments are noble, and whose conduct is directed by the strictest rules of prudence, I assure them it will meet with no opposition from one who has long since been convinced of the rectitude of their conduct, by being brought to the stool of repentance.

A WIDOWER.