Palladium Of Virginia And The Pacific Monitor

FOR THE PALLADIUM.

Friend Caldwell,

Among all the topics of discussion that have appeared in the columns of the Palladium, I have discovered none that holds so strong a claim upon our regard, as the subject of matrimony; especially to those adolescents caelibatus, who at present are very numerous, and who appear to be unaware of the due importance of a married life.

To you gentlemen, I beg leave to submit a few remarks for your consideration: and if I should thereby, be made instrumental in promoting one wedding, I shall have cause to rejoice more over that couple, than over ninety and nine marriage vows.

In the first place, you who are in the bloom and vigor of life, possessing all the attributes and perfections of nature, let me intreat you to marry. For at this epoch of your existence, the most solid and important duties of life devolve upon you; which, while you are in celibacy, you are apt to be imperfectly qualified to perform. Then the sensibilities and passions are delicately acute, susceptible of every impression, whether good or bad; elevated or depressed by every favourable, or adverse circumstance of fortune, let it be real or imaginary. Besides your condition is rendered still more unsteady and vacillating. Cupid, who punctually observes every favourable opportunity to let loose his volley of darts at you, by which he expects to coerce you into measures, but should he chance to meet disappointment, never fails to engender an insatiable thirst for extravagance, dissipation and rambling; vices which are apt to terminate either in poverty, ruin or disgrace. Again, you are plagued and menaced with ominious forebodings of becoming old Bachelors, (crecius cassa) after which there remaineth little hope for you of ever enjoying the felicities of a terrestrial heaven; you are then, per se, forlorn, helpless, and undone, a mere butt for the Lasses' raillery, and the object of their inveterate hate. Thus you will be necessitated to linger out the remnant of your days, and finally make your exit from the stage of action, cum semen in venter.

Now you perceive that celibacy is not only pernicious to the mind, and enervating to the higher grade of morals, but that in the sequel, it is absolutely dishonourable. Now to avoid this inevitable calamity and degradation, I must again invoke you, as one who values and appreciates every thing dear and special to you, that you will in due time, take unto yourselves helpmates; retire to your own homes, (no matter how indigent they may be,) encircle around their fireside and be assured, there you will find all the real happiness this world affords.

A word to you in celibacy, who are waxing rancid, filthy, and old, and I have done. Depend upon it my dear souls, these are symtoms of a most dangerous import; they presage with almost unequivocal certainty, your lot will prove a blank in this world, and probably your misery in the world to come. You have put off the marriage supper until, what! I was going to say, it is too late! But stop, I am too fast, peradventure you have another chance; should your mind change for matrimony, you can undergo two or three ablutions, succeeded by a severe operation of the flesh brush, or a brick bat; you are then prepared for the scents and sweeteners, which in their application, you must be mindful to exercise ingenuity and skill, lest your savour be suspected, and your chance lessened, or intirely lost. for counterfeits, if detected, never pass. If you have waxed too old, I am decidedly of the opinion that by undergoing the above process, two or three times a week; abstaining from every species of dissipation, &c. you may so revive declining youth, as to efface those impressions which time or lewdness may have made, at least until you catch a Lass, that probably will, if she be not too much chagreened with deception, make you happy, during the remainder of your sojournment in this world of bliss.

HYMENAEUS.