Rhode Island American And Providence Gazette

PROVIDENCE.

[As the following contains a good receipt for
ridding a house of troublesome visitors, we pub-
lish it for the benefit of all concerned.]

For the American.

THE HAUNTED HOUSE.

An altogether novel circumstance lately oc-
curred to the inhabitants of the little town of B.
which has occasioned much ludicrous excitation;
and perhaps elucidated a medium thro' which
the literati and ingenious of the present age may
find ample opportunity of displaying the pene-
trating and philosophical endowments that na-
:ture and his coadjutor, art, have given them.--

An ancient lady who resided in a nice two-story
house upon the outskirts of the above-mentioned
village, had for many months previous to this
been seriously harrassed by the incessant-as it
was, the disagreeable, clattering of a tribe of
quadrupeds which infested indiscriminately her
garret, pantry, bed-room and cellar, to the no small
annoyance of the good woman's delicate nerves,
as well as the rather sudden departure of some
of her cheese and butter. The ingenuity of
these gens de guerre-de fromage, in extricat-
ing themselves from many critical predicaments
in which this mode of living necessarily con-
ducted them, had frequently been put to the
test, by the steel-jawed traps of the old lady,
which, like the handy page of the Red Rover,
obeyed the instinct of their nature upon the
lightest notice. Their perseverance in probing
all the sauce, meats, &c. which her magnificent
cellar contained, and in carrying on a war of
cruel devastation against a multifarious assem-
bly of butter in casks, had received no percepti-
ble diminution-at least not in any greater de-
gree than had her magazine of "nice stores"-
since this first essay on the "road which leadeth
to life"—salubrious. All her endeavours to bring
about a perdurable truce with this mischievous
enemy had hitherto proved unavailing : the use-
less expedient of keeping multitudinous traps of
steel in the principal arena of their depredations
was still continued-these unpromising effects
to the frustration of her aim, notwithstanding-
But, alas, these bon-vivant desperadoes were a
few days since doomed to feel the full force of a
disappointed old woman's passion! The "lady
of the house," at last becoming enraged against
this gang of desperate annoyers, determined in
good earnest to leave no plausible manœuvre
unattempted which might in any manner go to
the extermination of the whole race of them.

Preparatory to this end she immediately pur-
chased, a trap of the best spring-steel and "war-
ranted"-to break upon the second trial perhaps.
Having located this in the precise spot whence a
pound of her most sweetly scented cheese had
the foregoing night disappeared, she awaited
anxiously the approach of the next morning's
sun, which she was as confident would endow
her with the means of eradicating their refined
taste for her particular meats, As that the subject
of her dreams would be transmuted from vision-
ary to real existence. At sunrise she entered
her cellar, and was agreeably surprised to behold
the long-desired acquisition at last made. She
found a "pair of them" caught by their tails,
and squeaking most desperately--the former of
which, she observed, was "strange, was passing
strange," and then averred, she could not con-
ceive what catastrophe was about to befal her
family-or catastrophe she knew would as cer-
tainly occur as a catalogue of inferences, drawn
from a long life and a long run of experience,
proved infallible. Forthwith she thought it
"most necessary" to administer a soporiferous
portion to the constitutions of the two captives,
to the end that they might not simultaneously
take French leave of her hand, while unprovi-
dently, her natural thirst for her own morning
potion should unawares give an ascendancy over
her knowledge of duty and temperance. This
preparation made, she proceeded to unite them
together, "for better and for worse" thro' the
medium of their two tails. She reasonably in-
ferred from this management, that, upon letting
them go "whithersoever they would"-among
their companions--the remaining part of the
tribe, at beholding their fellow cheese-manduca-
ters thus barbarously maltreated and running
among them in so ridiculous a plight, would
miraculously evacuate her precincts and seek
their livelihood in a less precarious cellular situ-
ation. The amount of her supposition was in
truth verified; for, upon letting them have the
partial liberty of running "hand in hand" to des-
struction, every one of their former companions
took to his heels--gave one "lingering look be-
hind"-and completely abandoned the exulting
old lady's cellar; considering this, with good
reason, as the most probable means of avoiding
a similar fate, or, perchance, of suffering supe-
rior torments for his temerarious dalliance.-

Since that eventful evening, neither she nor her
more agreeable cheese has been disturbed by
the midnight meanderings of any flock of such
quadrupedestrian adventurers; and for that rea-
son she urgently requested me to make, through
the agency of your paper, the useful addition of
this attested fact to the public list of expeditious
and effective cures already in existence. And
with the assurance furthermore, that, consider-
ing several conclusions which she deduced from
the ominous appearance of the stelliferous con-
cave on the succeeding morning-its salutary
effect is infallible.

CHARLES.