Iron County Register

JOHN PHOENIX.
The Trick He Played on the Professor
of Geology at West Point.

The following story in regard to
Lieutenant Derby (John Phoenix the
humorist) was told me by General
William T. Sherman: You know,
there was a few miles from West Point
a place known as Benny Haven's,
where the boys used to go to eat flap-
jacks and drink flip. Benny Haven's
flip had a National reputation, and his
flapjacks were delicious. The cadets,
however, patronized Benny Haven's
to such an excess that the officers of the
military school attempted to put a stop
to it, and very few permissions were
granted them to go outside of the walls
of the institution. Derby was in es-
pecial bad favor, and he knew that he
could not on ordinary grounds get a
permit. One time, after he had been a
week or more without a drink of Benny
Haven's flip, he pretended a great re-

pentance as to his studies and gave out
that he was going to do better. The
Professor of Geology was a curious old
fellow whom he had cartooned un-
mercifully, and who had a horror of
him. To him Derby went, and with
tears in his eyes said that he was sorry
that he had wasted his time in the past,
and that in the future he intended to
do better.
He feared as it was
he would not be able to pass his
examinations, but that he wished to use
his remaining time in the Academy so
that when he went out he would be fit-
ted to battle with the world, and he in-
tended to pay especial attention to
geology.
This geological professor
was an enthusiast, and very simple and
innocent withal.
He embraced Derby
and congratulated him upon his reso-
lution.
During the next few days
Derby came into the class-room with
the best of lessons. He asked many
questions and showed great interest in
the subject, thus winning glowing opinions from his professor. He remained
in the class-room after the lesson of the
fourth day, and told the professor that
one of the milkmen who supplied the
Academy had been telling him of some
wonderful petrifactions at a point away
up in the mountains. He had spoken
of fishes and the tracks of birds and
other specimens, which Derby, having
carefully posted himself by the books,
said he supposed belonged to such and
such an age.
The Professor rubbed his hands dur-
ing the relation, saying "yes," "yes,"
"very likely, very likely!" And when
Derby concluded by saying the milk-
man had offered to conduct him to the
place, he was eager to have him go.
On Derby's asserting the doubt that he
would not be permitted to leave the
Academy, the Professor said there
would be no trouble about that, and
that he would get the countersign and
the permit. This he did, and the next
day Derby started out early and struck
out at once for Benny Haven's.
Here he lay around all that day eating flapjacks and drinking flip, and
carried on his carouse far into the
night. Early in the morning he came
back to the Academy very mellow in-


deed, but succeeded in passing the
guard and tumbling into his room. As
he lay down on his bed he happened
to think that he must have an explana-
tion to give the geological professor for
not having the specimens. He be-
thought himself a moment and then
went down and picked up a couple of
stones from a pile which lay by the
river side. He brought these to his
room and with his chisel cut into them
a number of what looked very much
like bird-tracks. Going out again he
rubbed these with dirt and then came
back, laid them on his table, and went
to sleep.
After breakfast he took his stones to
the professor of geology, who, by the
way, was very nearsighted. He told
him that the milkman had failed to
keep his appointment and that he had
attempted to find the place himself.
He had not discovered the petrified
fishes nor the other fossils described by
the milkman, but he had found these
stones, with their curious tracks, and
he thereupon gave the Professor a lucid
explanation of the bygone age to which
the stones belonged, and how antedi-
luvian birds of a character not now
known had made these curious tracks.
His disquisition was so well put that
the Professor coincided with him. He
took the stones into the class-room that
day, and related Derby's wonderful
discoveries. The affair was for a few
days the talk of the class, but Derby
could not keep his secret to himself,
and told it to one or two of his friends.
It went all over the college, and the re-
sult was that Derby was suspended.
He got back again, however, and after
a time
was
graduated.-Cleveland
Leader.