Washington Telegraph

For the Telegraph.

THE IMPROVEMENT OF THE AGE.

Once 'twas our pious clergy's only plan
To teach their hearers each himself to scan,
Repent, believe; in short, obey the Word,
For which they to the Bible were referred.

But since the world, of late, has wiser grown,
'This blessed book no longer stands alone;
Associated with it now we see
Gall, Combe, and Fowler on Phrenology.

Auspicious era! since the world began
Was aught so fraught with good to fallen man?
To win him from his lost and ruined state,
The minister must now first feel his pate,
According to this rule of modern art,
'Learn first the form of brain to mend the heart.'

Ye little ones, who claim no less a share
Of Phrenologic than parental care,
This is to you, indeed, a golden age
Of mental science, which doth well presage
Your future greatness in the growth of mind,
Which that of ages past leaves far behind.

Your plastic heads, whate'er their form or size,
Howe'er contracted round about the eyes,
Or e'en if wanting in the moral part,
(Which more than all the rest affects the heart,)
'Taught by the Phrenologic preacher's hand,
Shall, in those regions, just enough expand.

If some parts, still too large to suit the rest,
Should, for this reason, need to be suppress'd,
These, when adjusted by the preacher's skill
Will leave the youthful hearer free in will,
With perfect head, (as Adam doubtless had
Before the fatal fruit had made him mad,)
A course of virtue or of vice to choose,
By which, at last his soul to save or lose;

Nor does the practice of this glorious plan
To meliorate the sinful state of man
Apply but to the rising generation;
''Tis plain and therefore needs no illustration,
It would successfully apply to all—
Men, women, children, old, young, large and small.

Come then, ye gourd and pumpkin headed wights,
Thieves, loafers, bachelors, and parasites,
And have your ugly noddles put in trim,
Don't say Phrenology is all a whim;
Come up, come up, why stand back there you dogs?
You look as stupid as a pile of logs.
Why stay away? what fools for doing so!
The price, I'm sure, you'll think is very low;
Come up, I say, now don't hang back and laugh,
''Twill cost you but a dollar and a half.

Why don't believe Phrenology is true?
You don't believe it? Very well, I do,
And if you'll in a friendly way receive it,
I will tell you, young man, why you don't believe it.
Professor Junebug miss'd you in your chart,
So I say, if he told you you were smart;
And now, my friend, come out, let's have it all.
He told you your causality was small?
Yes, that's the rub. I understand it now.
You've said he miss'd you in your chart, and how?
The truth is, boy, if that I now may tell,
Professor Junebug hit you rather well;
'Tis that my friend, and not his missing you,
That makes you think Phrenology untrue.

ALPHA.