The Virginia Gazette

To their H
S.

The Petition of William Woe

The Contents of which, any one, who has a Mind to read them, may know.

Humbly sheweth,

T
HAT your Petitioner was born, and bred at Home in Scotland, a Presbyterian true
Blue,

And none of your independent Spawn, which is more than every Body can say---O Where!

That He has long been a Student of Rhetoric, Logic, Pathos, and Ontology
Divinity, History, Metaphysics, and every other Branch of Philology.

That He has frequently exercised himself for his Diversion at leisure Times
In a certain wonderful Knack, that he has, of coupling strange Things together in Rhymes.

That some say he writes like Pindar; but Pindar's a rambling Ass,
He knows, whom he writes Verses the most like, he writes the most like Hudibras.

That I have observed the Clergy of the Church of England, in Summer, when annoyed by
Heat,
Make very short Sermons for Fear of putting their Congregation in a Sweat:

And again in Winter, dreading the great Men, and their Ire,
Take Care not to keep them in the Cold, too long, from the Fire.

That none of them all dare cry
Out against Sin, and Wickedness, to the Faces of the People, who commit them, So
boldly, as I:

That notwithstanding all this, as the Devil wou'd have it, I am a Taylor by Trade,
And such another Tool at his Business, God knows, the Devil he never made.

It can be none else, for a certain, but the Devil's Doing,
To have me, and my Talents misapplied, and confin'd to a Scurvy Employment to my Ruin.

For I have ever thought it one of the Actions, which make Satan an Offender most
heinous
To keep me by his subtle Contrivances from benefitting the World, so much as I might
have done, by my Genius,

That therefore I might get the better of old Nick, and all his unrighteous Crew,
I thought it was my best Way, May it please your H--o--s, to petition You.

Now, understand me, it is not my Desire to be an establish'd Minister,---No!
Damn all hard Bargains! that will never do,
For then I can never have but one Church, or perhaps two.

Whereby I ought to have the whole Colony to range about in,
For I am the only Person sent to demolish with my noted Light the whole Empire of Sin.

And it is very well known, that I have the Grace
Not to confine my pious Endeavours for the Good of my Zion to any one single Place.

Yet mistake me not, Sirs, as if I expected You at once to grant all:
I am more moderate than So; Some ten Churches will content me, 'til I have further Call
Do I know, that Rome was not built in one Day? I believe Ye. Besides I am loath
Not to retain so much of the Cunning of my old Trade, as to cut my Coat according to my
Cloth.

But think not to put me off, because there yet are no Congregations of my Sect to be tolerated,
which is nothing. Do You see,
I shall not be long without Followers, I warrant You, if You do but tolerate me,

Nor is it any Objection, that Some malicious People give out, I am mad,
What if it were really So, I hope there wou'd be Followers to be had.

So to be Short, if You deny my Request I will write to the King how guilty you are of
Persecution.

And then You Shall quickly See, to Your Cost, how my great Friend will bring about a
strange Revolution.

But if You grant my Petition You shall be toss'd off, and adorned with Such Commendation, and Praise,
That, good Lord! You yourselves shall own, you never made so fine an Appearance
before in all your Days,

And then, ye Virginia-Boys stand clear,---I will Hudibras ye off for true.
Reclaim you from your old Tricks, and send you to Heaven in a String too.