Saint Croix Union

Niagara Falls—Doesticks on a Bender.

Dear Editor: I have been to Niagara, you know—Niagara Falls—big rocks, water, foam, Table Rock, Indian curiosities, squaws, moccasins, stuffed snakes, rapids, wolves, Clifton House, suspension bridge, place where the water runs swift, ladies faint, scream and get the paint washed off their faces; where the aristocratic Indian ladies sit on the dirt and make little bags; where all the inhabitants swindle strangers; where the cars go in a hurry, the waiters are impudent and all the small boys swear.

When I came in sight of the suspension bridge, I was vividly impressed with the idea that it was some bridge, in fact, a considerable curiosity, and a considerable bridge—took a glass of beer and walked up to the Falls—another glass of beer and walked under the Falls; wanted another glass of beer, but couldn't get it: walked away from the Falls, went through mad; triumphant, victorious, humbug!—humbug! sir, all humbug! except the diaboliness of everything, which is a most certainty, and the cupidity of everybody, which is a diabolical fact, and the Indians and niggers everywhere, which is a Satanic truth.

Another glass of beer—'twas forthcoming—immediately—also another, all of which I drank. I then proceeded to drink a glass of beer, went over to the States, where I procured a glass of beer—went up stairs, for which I paid a six-pence, over to Goat Island, for which I disbursed twenty-five cents, hired a guide to whom I paid a half dollar—sneezed four times, at nine cents a sneeze—went up on the tower for a quarter of a dollar, and looked at the Falls—didn't feel sublime any tried to but couldn't, took some beer, tried again but failed—drank a glass of beer and began to feel better—thought the waters were sent for and were on a journey to the —n, thought the place below was a sea of beer—was going to jump down and get some, guide held me; sent him over to the hotel to get a glass of beer, while I tried to write some poetry; result as follows:

O thou (spray in one eye) awful (small lobster in the right shoe) sublime (both feet wet) master-piece of (jimmeny, what a lie,) the Almighty. Terrible and majestic art thou in thy tremendous might—awful (orful) to behold, (cramp in my right shoulder) gigantic, huge and nice. Oh, thou that tumblest down and riseth up again in misty majesty to Heaven—thou glorious parent of a thousand rainbows—what a huge, grand, awful, terrible, tremendous, infinite old swindling humbug you are; what are you doing there, you rapids you—you know you've tumbled over the rocks and can't get up again to save your puny existence; you make a great fuss, don't you?

Man came back with the beer, drank it to the last drop, and wished there had been a gallon more—walked out on a rock to the edge of the fall, woman on shore very much frightened—I told her not to get excited if I fell over, as I would step right up again—it would not be much of a fall anyhow—got a glass of beer of a man, another of a woman, and another of two small boys with a pail—fifteen minutes elapsed, when I purchased some more of an Indian and imbibed it through a straw; it wasn't good—had to get a glass of beer to take the taste out of my mouth: legs began to tangle up, effect of the spray in my eyes: got hungry and wanted something to eat—went into an eating house, called for a plate of beans, when the plate brought the waiter in his hand I took it, hung up my beef and beans on a nail, eat my hat, paid dollar to a nigger, and sided out on the step-walk, bought a boy of a glass of dog with a small beer and a neck on his tail, with a collar with a pot on the end—felt funny, sick—got some soda-water in a tin cup, drank the cup and placed the soda on the counter, and paid for the money full of pocket—very bad headache: rubbed it against the lamp post and then stumped along; station house came along and said if I didn't go straight he'd take me to the watchman—tried to oblige the station house—very civil station house, very—met a baby with an Irish woman and a wheelbarrow in it, couldn't get out of the way, she wouldn't walk on the side-walk, but insisted on going on both sides of the street at once; tried to walk between her: consequence, collision, awful, knock—

ed out the wheelbarrow's nose, broke the Irish woman all to pieces, baby loose, court house handy, took me to the constable, jury sat on me, and the jail said the magistrate must take me to the constable: objected; the dungeon put into the largest constable in the city; got out, and here I am, prepared to stick to my original opinion—Niagara unnus humbug! non excelsus, non indignus admiralcoui.

Yours unquestionably,
Q. R. PHYLANDER DOESTICKS, R. B.