The Ely Miner

A DOWNRIGHT JUDGE.

Baker and Barker lived in the country, two or three miles from town—which was a small village. In common with other farmers, they had to "work on the road" two or three days per annum, and, as is usually the case, their attacks upon the highway were not vicious or prolonged. They had short hours for work and long ones for dinner, and generally went home at night feeling that they had had a very pleasant peaceable day.

One noon-time Baker and Barker were taking their luncheon in the shade, by the side of an exaggerated creek, which flowed along toward its foster-parent, the river, as lazily as if it, too, were working on the road.

There were five or six fellow-toilers in the same little grove; and some of them took a good nap after eating, so as to be able afterwards to precipitate themselves upon the unmended thoroughfare in a way that it would recollect during the residue of the season.

Near where they ate and slumbered, a large, long log officiated as a foot-bridge across the creek. A slight breeze was tiptoeing down the stream, and Baker lay upon the log and enjoyed it. He finally fell asleep there, and woke the other toilers with hoarse and rough-hewed notes from his various respiratory organs.

The disturbed road-menders lay upon their elbows and gazed at him and each other. He was a long, large, not-particularly-clean man, and looked very suggestive and tempting as he lay there only a few inches from the water's surface, neatly poised on one side of the log.

Barker, who loved a mechanical joke, now made his first agile movement of the day. Just as Baker had ceased snoring, and showed signs of awaking, he crept to the side of his comrade, gave him a slight impulse creekward, and dodged back. The result was that Baker went stomach-long into the water, and awoke dreaming that he had enlisted in Pharaoh's army, and that it was just attempting to ford the Red sea.

After our victim had floundered his way clear of the disturbed stream, he went straight to the village and sued Barker for assault. The case was called next day and all the farmers were present, having left the road to its fate for the time being.

The old justice before whom the case was tried was the most ingenious practical joker in the county; and he was very much interested in the case. After all the other evidence was taken, he instructed Barker to tell his story, and state if he had any defense.

"My defense is, your honor," replied Barker, "that I couldn't help it. He laid there a-snorin'; just a few inches above the water, an' so near the side of the log, that a sudden gust o' wind would ha'done it just as well as I could."

"Right on the edge of it, I s'pose," interrupted the justice. "Just kind of hanging by the bark of the timber, as it were."

"Yes." continued Barker, "and snorin like a blacksmith's bellows. He had woke us all up, an' we sort o' felt that it would do his whistle good to wet it a lit- tle, an' that he needed cleaning' up on general principles, anyhow. The others looked at me, an' I looked at them, an' we all looked at Baker."

"Ah! then the others were particeps criminis." exclaimed the justice, gravely.

At this, the others made a motion as if to leave the room; but there was too dense a crowd behind them. "Go on, sir," said the justice, meaning Barker.

"Well."resumed Barker, "about that time he stopped snorin', an'give a grunt, an' was so still we was afraid he was goin' to wake up. Then the others winked at me."

"Particeps criminis again," said the justice, still more gravely. "We shall have 'a celebrated case' here, and an extensive one."

The other farmers hung their heads.

"An' I thought 'now or never,' an'I crep' up-an'up- "

"Had to go very still, I suppose," said the justice, leaning forward eagerly.

"Never done anything so still in my life," said Barker. "Jes' before I got to him, he acted as if be was goin' to wake up."

"Gracious!" exclaimed the justice, with a suddenly worried look. That is, I mean continue, sir."

"Wall, he didn't quite wake up."

"He didn't quite awaken," interrupt ed the justice, with a look of relief on his stern face.

"No; an'then I crep' upan'up-an' up "

"Up and up and up," repeated the justice, leaning forward as far as he could without leaving the bench, ex- tending his long white hand, and evinc- inga most extraordinary interest. "Pro- ceed, sir."

"An' jes' a second afore I got to him I thought he was awake--but he wasn't quite—"

"He wasn't quite," repeated the old justice, with both hands extended now.

"An'I jest reached out this 'ere fore- finger an' give him a little push—"

"Just enough to shift his ballast the eighth of an iuch!" exclaimed the jus- tice, in an intense tone, half rising to his feet.

"An'he started-slow at first."

"Slow at first. sir." said the justice

"An' then a little faster, an' then- "

"And then- "

"Slap-bang--splash - swash! - he plunked in there, half like a frog an' half like a porpus; an' such a three-cor- nered fight atwixt earth, air an' water I never see afore. He was scramblin' an' kickin' an' puffin' an' blowin'. an' blasphemin', all to once; an' I couldn't tell which was the mnost surprised- him or the creek."

"By gracious," shouted the justice, rising to his feet, rubbing his hands, and dancing frantically about, "I'd have done it myself!Case is dismissed, an' no cause of action!"-Everywhere.