The Western Democrat

COUSIN SALLY DILLARD.
1.
BY HAMILTON C. JONES,
[It is about time to republish the following
amusing story, and we therefore give it a place.
Scene-A Court of Justice in North Carolina:
A beardless disciple of Themis rises and thus
addresses the Court: "May it please your
worships and you, gentlemen of the jury, since
it has been my fortune (good or bad I will not
say.) to exercise myself in legal disquisition, it
has never befallen me to be obliged to prosecute
so direfully marked an assault--a more wilful,
violent, and dangerous battery, and finally a
more diabolical breach of the peace, has seldom
happened in a civilized country; and I dare say
it seldom has been your duty to pass upon one
so shocking to benevolent feelings, as this which
took place over at Captain Rice's in this county;
but you will hear from the witnesses."
The witnesses being sworn, two or three were
examined and deposed: One said that he
heard the noise but did not see the fight; an-
other that he saw the row, but did not know
who struck first, and another that he was very
drunk and couldn't say much about the skrim-
mage.
Lawyer Chops-I am sorry, gentlemen, to
have occupied your time with the stupidity of
the witnesses examined. It arises, gentlemen,
from a misapprehension on my part. Had I
known, as I do, that I had a witness who was
acquainted with all the circumstances of the
case, and who was able to make himself clearly
understood to the court and jury, I should not
have trespassed so long on your patience.-
Come forward, Mr Harris, and be sworn,
So forward comes the witness, a fat, chuffy
old man, a "leetle" corned, and took his oath
with an air.
Chops-Harris. we wish you to tell about the
riot that happened the other day at Captain
Rice's and a good deal of time has already been
wasted in circumlocution, we wish you to be
compendious, at the same time as explicit as
possible.
Harris--Adzactly (giving the lawyer a know-
ing wink, at the same time clearing his throat,)
Captain Rice he gin a treat, cousin Sally Dillard
she come over to our house and axed me if my
wife she moutn't go. I told cousin Sally Dillard
that my wife was poorly, being as how she had
a touch of rheumatics in the hip, and the big
swamp was up in the road, there havin' been a
great deal of rain lately, but howsomever as it
was she, cousin Sally Dillard, my wife she mout
go. Well, cousin Sally Dillard then axed me
if Mose he moutn't go. I told cousin Sally
Dillard that he was foreman of the crap, and
the crap was smartly in the grass; but, howsom-
ever, as it was she, cousin Sally Dillard, Mose
he mout go.
Chops--In the name of common sense, Mr
Harris, what do you mean by this rigmarole ?
Witness--Captain Rice he gin a treat, and
cousin Sally Dillard she come over to my house
and axed me if my wife she mout go, and I
told cousin Sally Dillard-
Chops--Stop, sir, if you please, we don't want
to hear about your cousin Sally Dillard, or your
wife; tell us about the fight at Rice's.
Witness--Well, I will, sir, if you will let me.
Chops--Well, sir, go on.
Witness--Well, sir, Captain Rice be gin
treat, and cousin Sally Dillard she come over to
my house, and axed me if my wife she mout go.
Chops--Here it is again. Witness, please do
stop.
Witness--Well, sir, what do you want?
Chops--We want to know about the fight,
and you must not proceed with this impertinent
story. Do you know anything about the matter
before the Court?
Witness--To be sure I do.
Chops--Well, go on, then, and tell it, and
nothing else.
Witness--Well, Captain Rice he gin a treat-
Chops--This is intolerable. May it please
the court, I move that the witness be committed
for a contempt. He seems to be trifling with
this court.
Court--Witness, you are before the court of
justice, and, unless you behave yourself in a
more becoming manner, you will be sent to jail;
so begin and tell what you know about the fight
at Rice's.
Witness, somewhat alarmed--Well, gentle-
men, Captain Rice he gin a treat, and cousin
Sally Dillard-
Court--(after deliberating) Mr Attorney, the
court is of opinion that we may save time by
letting the witness go on in his own way. Pro-
ceed, Mr Harris, with your story, but stick to
the point.
Witness--Yes, gentlemen. Well, Captain
Rice he gin a treat, and cousin Sally Dillard
came over to our house and axed me if my wife
she moutn't go. I told cousin Sally Dillard that
my wife she was poorly, being as how she had
the rheumatis in her hip, and the big swamp
was up; however, as it was she, cousin Sally
Dillard, my wife she mout go. Cousin Sally
Dillard then axed me if Mose he wouldn't go.
I told cousin Sally Dillard as how Mose was the
foreman of the crap, and the crap was smartly
in the grass, out howsomever, as it was she,
cousin Sally Dillard, Mose he mout go. So
they goes on together, Mose, my wife, and cousin Sally Dillard, and they comes to the big swamp,
and it was up, as I was tellin' you; but being as
how there was a log across the big Swamp, cousin
Sally Dillard and Mose, like genteel folks, they
walked the log, but my wife, like a darned fool,
jest histed her coats and waded right through-
Chops--Heaven and earth, this is too bad:
but go on.
Witness--Well, that's all I know about the
fight.