The Virginia Gazette

Parturiunt Montes!

Mr. Parks,

WHEN any thing New appears in Print, Some Men take more Pains to inform themselves of the Author's Character, than to judge of the Merit of the Performance: But it will not be at all surprising, if, after publishing that elaborate and finish'd Piece, in your GAZETTE, on Friday last, the Curiosity of every one that has attentively perused it, shou'd be rais'd to be inquisitive after every thing that relates to Mr. Timothy Touch-Truth: And as I do not think any Body so capable of gratifying the Public, in this Particular, as my self, I shall make no Apology for presenting you with the following Narrative.

Yours, &c.

MORFOREO.

The History of Mr. Timothy Touch-Truth.

Magnis componere Parva.

Giles, Cripplegate. His Father was Clerk of the Parish, and his Mother kept the Keys of the Pews. His Parents fondly imagined they discovered an uncommon Genius in him for one of his Age, and resolved to breed him a Scholar; and, I remember, the old Man, upon his uttering some quaint Expressions, wou'd every now and then pat him on the Head, Ay, Tim. says he, thou wilt certainly come to be a Bishop! That no Time might be lost in his Education, he was sent young to a Country Boarding-School, where he continued 'til he was grown a sturdy Lad; but made a slow Progress in Learning; for, tho' he was observed to be extremely arch and acute at Play, yet he was really but dull at his Book, and took no Delight in it. At length, the Master (who was not only careful to instruct the Scholars and keep them in good Order, but ever anxious for their Health and Preservation) perceiving Tim to be in a sickly and declining State, and guessing at the Cause, wou'd frequently search his Pockets; and when he found them stuff'd with green, unwholesome Trash, either obliged him to throw it away, or took it from him. This, Tim took exceedingly to Heart: What, says he, can there be any Justice in depriving us of what we have bought with our own Money? But I don't so much blame the Master; 'tis a likely thing, indeed, that he should know what Sort of Fruit I have about me -- but the Usher informs him, and he, we all know, would not care a Farthing tho' most of us died like rotten Sheep; all his Design is, to gratify his own Palate, or bestow what is taken from us, upon his own particular Favourites: In short, 'tis a downright arbitrary Proceeding, and I am resolved to bear it no longer. Upon this Disgust, he ran away from School, and came up to London, which was an unspeakable Grief to his Father and Mother: No Persuasions or Entreaties were wanting to persuade him to return, but all in vain; he was too stubborn and head-strong to submit, and declared he would never more trouble his Head about any Language. The Hopes of the Family being thus disappointed, his Friends determin'd to have him taught to write and cypher, and then to put him an Apprentice. Tim was mightily taken with his Writing-master, and soon learnt to write a tolerable Hand, and became a Proficient in Accounts. Being thus qualified, some Time passed before he could fix upon a Trade; at last (having been us'd to spend the best Part of Saturday Afternoon, during his Stay in the Country, in the Belfry amongst the Ringers, and being extremely fond of a Jingle) he made Choice of that of a Brazier: But being unsteady and fond of Change (which indeed is a Failing that the whole Family of the Touch-Truths have been observed to be more or less addicted to) he soon began to think his Trade too laborious; and his Parents dying by that Time he had served about Half his Apprenticeship, nothing would serve him but he must be a Mathematician; and that there might be no Interruption in the Course of his Studies, be left his Master before he well knew how to hammer out a Skimmer, tho' he fancied himself fit to be Foreman of the Shop. How he spent his Time afterwards, 'til he came to Man's Estate, I could never be certainly informed; but he had scarce passed the Age of 21, before he set up for a great Politician and Projector, and was suspected to be the Author of the Half-penny Pot. I have been told he had a great Hand in projecting most of the Bubbles that were set on Foot about the Year 1720: But some of his Projects proving unsuccessful, he suddenly disappear'd, 'til I accidentally met with him in one of our Frontier Counties. He has, for the most Part, led a very retir'd Life, since he came to Virginia, employing his Thoughts upon new Improvements and useful Discoveries for the Public Good. He was certainly the Contriver of that useful Machine for the Tilling of Ground, which was proposed to have been made Public, upon a very slender Encouragement, in the Year 1734, tho' his Modesty would not suffer him to lay any Claim to the Merit of the Invention; and I have the strongest Reasons imaginable to believe he made the first Model of a Chaise that would run with one Wheel. He has lately found out a kind of Chymical Liquor for impregnating Chaff, which will save all the Expence of Seed-corn; and an Unction, which, as far as I can discover, chiefly consists of Hogs-lard and Beef suet, that will effectually defend the Body against all the Extremities of Heat and Cold, provided you never travel with an empty Stomach. But as Mr. Touch-Truth conceives the poorer Sort will receive the greatest Benefit from these Discoveries, he determines to keep these Secrets in Reserve 'til a more favourable Conjuncture, when he apprehends they will stand more in Need of them. He is now writing a new System of Algebra, wherein he maintains that all Arithmetical Questions may be resolved by the Rule of Subtraction; and an Essay towards the Improvement of Trade and Navigation, in which he asserts that all the Disadvantages in Traffick, consist in the Bulkinness of the Commodity; he therefore proposes that the Gauge of a Tobacco Hogshead should be reduced to the Size of a Butter-Firkin, which will be much more convenient for Storage. and a great Ease to those that live remote from Water Carriage, and proves, beyond Contradiction,that by lowering the Freight, and other apparent Advantages that will accrue from this Regulation, any Number of these Casks of Tobacco will be worth as much Money as the same Number of Hogsheads, as Affairs now stand. But as Mr. Touch-Truth intends speedily to publish both those Tracts, I shall not trouble the Reader at present with any further Account of them.