Portland Gazette, And Maine Advertiser

To Regulate is not to Destroy.

It seems that many Dictionaries are still to be found wherein the word REGULATE is defined in a manner different from the philosophical dictionary at Washington.—The word cannot be so construed as to mean DESTROY, or even STOP. Hence the trouble and difficulty which the writer of the following was subjected to. It is a subject much to be lamented that we should have words in our language liable to so many significations,

FROM THE UNITED STATES' GAZETTE.

MR. BRONSON,

AFTER much thinking and turning over the case in my mind, I have at last concluded that I would apply to you to solve a difficulty which has puzzled me not a little. Now, sir, you must have patience with me, for if I don't tell my story my own way, why I can't tell it at all. You must know then that my wife Bridget is a very managing, good sort of a house-keeper, and very punctual in providing my meals at stated periods; for instance, we breakfast at eight; dine at one, sup at seven o'clock, and go to bed at nine. My Wife has been much indebted for this extreme punctuality to the friendly information of an old family clock, which formerly belonged to her father, and which had the reputation of always telling the truth. Now, sir, I came home the other day precisely at one, expecting to find a hot dinner smoking on the table; but I had no sooner entered the house than Bridget immediately flew at me—I wonder, said she, Mr. Puzzle, how you could serve me so. How serve you? said I. Why, said she, the dinner has been waiting for you more than half an hour, and the pudding is entirely ruined. Half an hour, said I, looking at my watch, why 'tis exactly one.— One! said she, what do you mean? you have done this on purpose to insult me, and you're a cruel, hard hearted, unfeeling man, and I won't bear it any longer. The more I endeavoured to appease my wife, the louder she became—at last a discreet neighbour stepped in, who, after hearing both sides, delicately told my wife he was apprehensive the clock was out of order, for that it was actually but a few minutes past one. At this my wife became more violent than ever, & declared that he was leagued with me to ill treat and abuse her, and that she would insist on a separate maintenance. The storm was too violent to last long, and just as it abated our neighbour perceived Mr. Parker, the watch-maker, passing by.& instantly begged the favor of him to walk in. The dispute was left to him, and he decided that our clock was too fast and wanted regulating. I would directly have requested Mr. Parker to regulate it for me—but my wife seeming displeased with his decision, I thought it best to let the matter drop for the present.—Now, I must do my wife the justice to say, that the day following she was very sorry for her late violent behaviour, and promised, that, if I would never contradict her, she would never again get into a passion, and proposed to send for Mr. B. the French clock-maker, to regulate the family clock. I would most willingly have spoken a word in favour of Mr. Parker, but as I had just promised not to contradict my wife, I thought it best to let her have her own way. Well, sir, Mr. B. the Frenchman, was sent for, and I anticipated the agreeable return of hot dinners punctually served up. But when I came home, on looking at the clock, I found it had stopped. Bridget, my dear, said I, did you send for the clockmaker? Yes, said she. Well! and what did he say. Why, he said he would regulate it, and thought he did so. Dinah, said I to the girl, run to Mr. B. the French clock-maker, and tell him our clock has stopped. She returned with a message from Mr. B. that he regulated it this morning So I went to Mr. B. myself. Sir, said I, my wife sent for you to regulate my clock, and you have stopped it. I did so, sir, replied he, for although I do not understand much of the English language, yet those who ought to know it much better than you or I, have determined that to regulate, is to stop motion. Well thinks I this Frenchman is a philosopher, and he understands a great many things that common people know nothing about, I will go home before I venture an opinion, and look in the Dictionary. Bridget, my love, said I, that pudding of yours was, I think, the best I ever eat in my life, I don't believe, continued I, that any woman in Philadelphia, can make so many different kinds of puddings as yourself, or make them so well—don't you remember seeing a book they call a dictionary lying somewhere about the house —I wish you could find it for me my dear.

She presently gave it me, and with some difficulty I found the word I wanted. Regulate, to put in order, set to right, to govern or keep in order. What! said I, is there nothing about stopping? This Frenchman, though a philosopher, must be mistaken, and very likely is so, for I heard a plain man say the other day, that he never knew a philosopher that had common sense in his life. Well sir. I went back to the Frenchman, and he still insisted with the most unparalleled impudence, that stopping my clock is regulating it. The consequence is, that the family clock is now standing still, and I beg, Mr. Bronson, you will decide, whether the French clock-maker or myself have hit on the meaning of the English word regulate.

I am sir, yours, — PETER PUZZLE.