The Pleasantville Press

Too Much Efficiency
By E.J.C.
BEEN HERE TODAY
JOHN W. BROOKE. widower and hardware magnate. leaving the city for two months. arranges with a firm of efficiency engineers to manage his home.
He fails to tell his grown children. Constance. Billy and Alice. about this unusual arrangement.
They find out all about it. however. when H. HEDGE. assigned to the job. takes complete control of the Brooke household. makes John W.'s suite his own and turns the library into an office.
Hedge refused to have a Christmas tree "because they are inefficient." but has relented to the extent of arranging for a New Year party.The "children" are surprised into action when on the evening of the party they arrive home a little before seven o'clock to find Hedge in evening dress. He tells them that the guests have been invited for eight instead of the customary 7:30. The "children" make a rush for their dressing rooms.
NOW GO ON WITH THE STORY
"SHALL we confer?" asked Billy grimly as they reached the second floor.
"Oh, what's the use?" cried Constance with a tragic gesture. "I'd fly out of the window. if I could! But we're in for it. We might have known something awful would happen. We ought to have been firm and refused to have a party. But what can we do? He's gone and invited a lot of our friends and we've simply got to receive them. Hustle into your clothes. Alice. Wear the pink. I'll let Matilda help you: I'll manage without her. Move now. Billy. and don't spend half an hour with your tie. Remember that we're all to be publicly executed at seven thirty."
In spite of these admonitions the three Brookes were late at dinner. and after a hasty meal they retreated upstairs again for further sartorial attentions. It was long past seven. thirty when Constance descended to the main floor. She was just in time to see the front door close on a couple in evening dress. They were going out!
Constance paused in the hall at the foot of the staircase. She was a radiant figure. but she did not feel radiant. She felt that the elevator was dropping again
A gurgling noise close beside her caused her to turn sharply. and she beheld a young man with a handkerchief to his face. shaken with a violent paroxysm of coughing. It was Tommy Treadwell.
"H-hello. Connic." he gasped.
"I-I-"
He struggled again
"Why, Tom, what in the world is the matter?" demanded Constance in genuine alarm.
"Ex-excuse me. I-"
Once more a spasm took charge of him. and Constance began to pound him energetically on the back. After a minute. Tommy Treadwell regained a measure of control and wiped his streaming eyes.
"Better now?" asked Constance anxiously.
"Yes -thanks. Sorry to be such a nuisance. but-"
"You shouldn't have thought of coming out with such a cold." she chided.
"Cold? I haven't got a cold."
"Then whatever is the matter?"
Tommy pointed toward the library and whispered hoarsely:
"Been sprayed!"
"Sprayed!"
"Uh-huh. Nose, throat, tonsils-the whole works."
Constance stared at him in unbelief
"Had my lungs tested and my heart listened to. just like I was joining the army."
"Tom
"Honest And they put down my age, and who was to be notified."
"Who did this thing?"
"The doctor. He's all dressed in white. and he's got a nurse with him and a whole kit full of tools."
"Search me. Connic. But he's on the job, anyhow. I got through. but he's been turning some of 'em down. Notice that couple who went out just as you came down?"
Constance nodded faintly. She was clutching the newel post for support.
"That was Florrie Richmond and her brother. Couldn't pass."
"Who-Florrie? What was the matter?"
"Oh. Florrie got by all right. It was Clarence. He had a spot on one tonsil. When they wouldn't let him stay. Florrie got mad and went away with him."
Constance moaned.
"They ruled Hildegarde Forrest off the track, too." observed Tommy with a reminiscent grin. "She was half a degree subnormal and they wouldn't let her start. Teddy Wall is out of it, too. They wanted to compress the turbinate bone in his nose, so he could breathe better, and he said he'd be- He said they couldn't do it."
Constance passed a weary hand across her eyes. . She had become haggard.
"What's it all about. anyhow. Connie?" asked Tommy. "Some kind of a joke?"
"A joke'" she gasped Suddenly her limp form stiffened and she made a dash for the library.
The first figure she observed was that of a tall man in a long white robe. He was bending over somebody who sat in a chair. At his side stood a woman in the uniform of a nurse. She was holding a bottle in one hand and a ferocious nickeled instrument in the other. The efficiency man was close by. armed with a pad and a fountain-pen
As Constance paused, rigid. there was an abrupt commotion, and a young man in evening attire sprang out of the chair and pushed the man in white violently away from him.
"You let me alone!" he bawled. "I don't care if I've got hydrophobia. you'll not stick that thing down my throat!"
The doctor looked at H. Hedge.
"If you won't submit to examination I cannot permit you to stay." said the efficiency man to the patient.
The patient glared for five seconds and then stalked from the room.
"Next," called the doctor.
At that point Constance intervened. She walked swiftly across the library and planted herself resolutely in front of the efficiency man.
"Explain." she commanded
"Certainly." he said suavely. "I am safeguarding the members of this household."
"You mean-"
"Just this. Miss Brooke. I am charged with the care of you three children. That extends to your health, among other things. Large assemblies of persons offer exceptional opportunity for the transmission of infectious and contagious diseases, I do not propose to have any of you run the risk of illness. Neither do I propose. if all reasonable care can prevent it, to have any guest in this house participate in dancing unless his or her heart and lungs are in a proper condition to endure the strain. It would be embarrassing to be compelled to call a coroner. I am, therefore. taking every precaution. Dr. Wardwell will not only conduct such examinations as may be necessary. but will also remain in attendance during the evening, ready to perform professional services whenever they may be required. And may I compliment you upon your gown?"
Constance did not hear the compliment. Her ears had ceased to record any definite sounds, somewhere in the middle of the efficiency man's explanation. She was quivering with silent rage.
"If you will go across the hall into the parlor." observed H. Hedge: "you will find a number of your guests, who. I am happy to say, have passed a satisfactory examination. I suggest that you join them. They should have been dancing before this. but do not seem to have begun. I wish you would ask them to start. Unfortunately. I shall be busy here for some time."
She crossed the room quickly and went into the music-room, where she found Horace. the butler, standing stiffly at attention.
"Where is the music?" she demanded. glancing about her. "Tell them to start at once."
"I am the music. Miss Brooke." said Horace in a hollow tone.
"You! What do you mean?"
"There is no music except me. miss. I am-I am-" The butler's voice faltered. "I am to play that thing."
He pointed gloomily in the direction of the phonograph. which had been moved in from the library.
"You've been playing that!"
With a suppressed shriek of horror, Constance charged upon the music-machine. slammed the lid and locked it.
"Throw that key out of the window." she commanded. "and find my brother immediately. Bring him here."
She flung herself at the piano and began playing wildly, conscious only of a desire to make a terrific noise.
Billy Brooke had to shout in her ear before she 'was aware of his presence.
"Make them dance!" she screamed. "Make them do something! I'm going crazy. I'm going to play and play and play until I die. Make them dance. run, jump-or anything. I don't care. We're all going to commit suicide when it's over, anyhow. so what difference does it make? Ha. ha!"
She laughed hysterically and beat out a two-step until her fingers throbbed. She was still playing when the efficiency man, having superintended the examination of the last guest. who was rejected for adenoids. joined his antiseptic party and gravely demonstrated the Danse Economique.
At ten o'clock there was a service of sandwiches in sealed and sterilized wrappers, accompanied by lemonade and ginger ale, the choice of which was optional among the guests. This took place in the dining-room, where numerous camp-chairs had been arranged in soldierly rows along the walls.
NEXT CHAPTER:
Constance plans to elope.