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Story
November 12, 1884
The Clarion
Jackson, Hinds County, Mississippi
What is this article about?
Humorous anecdote from a weighing machine operator about a quarreling fat couple on the beach; the wife bribes him to show her lighter than her husband, but cheats him out of payment.
Clipping
OCR Quality
98%
Excellent
Full Text
The Trials of the Weighing-Machine Man.
'Well sir, the fact is, I very rarely get hold of a very fat man or a very fat woman. Nothing will induce the latter to venture within half a mile of the weighing machine, except a bet. This morning, however, a very big couple came to me. She was huge, with a quadruple chin. He was Mr. Pickwick magnified. Says I to myself, 'Bless my heart if they've come to be weighed there's more 'ere than meets the eye.' Well, they were quarreling all the way. I saw them along the beach a quarter of a mile off. As they approached I heard her say, 'You're very insulting, Mr. Smith, but if I weigh as much as you do that settles it. Henceforward we will meet as strangers.' Then he replied: 'Don't take on so Arabella. I don't mind. I like you just as well adipose; in fact, with me it's a case of 'the more the better.' But she was very indignant. He sat in the machine, and while I weighed him she came round to me and whispered: 'My man if you'll make me weigh twenty pounds less than him you'll be $5 richer.'
I never said a word, but, young man, don't condemn me. I resolved to make her weigh twenty pounds less. His weight came to 283 pounds. Then Arabella took the chair, trembling and nervous. She looked at me beseechingly, but like a fool I pretended not to see. Down she sat, plump as a partridge, and I really think she would have scored 320, but with presence of mind I shouted, '265, ma'am. Next.' Then she turned with such a radiant face to Smith and says: 'There, now, perhaps you'll believe.' When I applied to her for my $5, she exclaimed: 'Man, I weighed 268 pounds. I saw it myself. If you dare to contradict it I'll expose you.' And she had skipped while I never got a cent of the bribe. No, sir; fat people don't pay. Lean people are worse still, 'cause they're always afraid of being consumptive, and it's real disagreeable to tell them their true measure, they scowl so. I must only rely upon the medium classes. They enjoy knowing exactly how much flesh and bone they can call theirs.'
'Well sir, the fact is, I very rarely get hold of a very fat man or a very fat woman. Nothing will induce the latter to venture within half a mile of the weighing machine, except a bet. This morning, however, a very big couple came to me. She was huge, with a quadruple chin. He was Mr. Pickwick magnified. Says I to myself, 'Bless my heart if they've come to be weighed there's more 'ere than meets the eye.' Well, they were quarreling all the way. I saw them along the beach a quarter of a mile off. As they approached I heard her say, 'You're very insulting, Mr. Smith, but if I weigh as much as you do that settles it. Henceforward we will meet as strangers.' Then he replied: 'Don't take on so Arabella. I don't mind. I like you just as well adipose; in fact, with me it's a case of 'the more the better.' But she was very indignant. He sat in the machine, and while I weighed him she came round to me and whispered: 'My man if you'll make me weigh twenty pounds less than him you'll be $5 richer.'
I never said a word, but, young man, don't condemn me. I resolved to make her weigh twenty pounds less. His weight came to 283 pounds. Then Arabella took the chair, trembling and nervous. She looked at me beseechingly, but like a fool I pretended not to see. Down she sat, plump as a partridge, and I really think she would have scored 320, but with presence of mind I shouted, '265, ma'am. Next.' Then she turned with such a radiant face to Smith and says: 'There, now, perhaps you'll believe.' When I applied to her for my $5, she exclaimed: 'Man, I weighed 268 pounds. I saw it myself. If you dare to contradict it I'll expose you.' And she had skipped while I never got a cent of the bribe. No, sir; fat people don't pay. Lean people are worse still, 'cause they're always afraid of being consumptive, and it's real disagreeable to tell them their true measure, they scowl so. I must only rely upon the medium classes. They enjoy knowing exactly how much flesh and bone they can call theirs.'
What sub-type of article is it?
Curiosity
Deception Fraud
What themes does it cover?
Deception
Social Manners
What keywords are associated?
Weighing Machine
Fat Couple
Bribe
Deception
Beach Quarrel
What entities or persons were involved?
Mr. Smith
Arabella
Weighing Machine Man
Where did it happen?
Beach
Story Details
Key Persons
Mr. Smith
Arabella
Weighing Machine Man
Location
Beach
Story Details
A weighing machine operator recounts being bribed by a fat woman, Arabella, to falsify her weight to be less than her husband Mr. Smith's during an argument, but she denies the true weight and refuses to pay the bribe.