Vermont Watchman And State Journal

Messrs. Editors,—I am a matter of fact sort of a chap, and despise falsehood, however or whencesoever it comes; nor would I answer assaults, however unfounded and slanderous they may be, even with fiction, without giving the world so to understand. Be it known, then, to all whom it may concern, that the following is mere fiction—intended for nobody in the world but such as are conscious that they are hit.

THE DYING VAN-ITES.

AN ACT OF SUNDRY PARTIES: OR, AN AFFECTING ACCOUNT OF A BRAT OF SEVEN FATHERS.

Scene—A pettifogger's office—time, midnight—sundry Globes scattered over the premises, emitting a ghastly light, making night hideous.

Lamentations, sotto voce—'Hang be the heavens with black, yield day to night! Comets, importing change of times and states, Brandish your crystal tresses in the sky; And with them scourge the bad revolting stars, That—

Hang old Shak! The times are sadly out of joint: old Hickory scotched one big bank and doubled three hundred and odd little ones; they've overtraded on government pap, smashed, and the very d—l's to pay: money scarce—wool a drug—flour to buy—and the farmers grumbling. I've tried to stuff 'em with the notion that it is all owing to overtrading—fiddle-de-dee! I laid it all to the rascally banks—and anon orders came from head-quarters to disavow the anti-bank humbug! I charge it all to the Whigs, but nobody is so big a fool as to believe that they would cut their own throats for nothing! Wo is mine!

What mortal dare—

Or false or fair—

to help the sinking cause, I have done: I went the whole pig for locofocoism—but B—, and C—, and S—, and the better half of the party threatened to rebel! I wheeled round and denounced the hard-money humbug—but the loco focos distrusted me: I am just getting back to conciliate them—and out comes the Globe for a Treasury Monster!

Wo, wo is mine! O, that the democracy were asses, that we might ride them! O, that the people were fools, that we might put them in leading strings!— But 'coming events cast their shadows before:' we have lost at almost every election since the experiment exploded: an M. C. gone in Pennsylvania—an other in Maine—Maryland saved from overwhelming destruction only by alien votes—Rhode Island trembling—North Carolina, Kentucky, Indiana and old Tennessee all against us—and nothing saves even Mississippi, but Van's pledge to veto the abolitionists and go for slavery! Wo, wo is mine! The people have their eyes open, in spite of all that our presses have done to blind them; they see, and think, and judge for themselves—here is our bane! We can't carry the state—that's flat: Flint's conversion was too sudden, and the Whigs are too honest. Wo, wo is mine!

We can't—n—(three distinct knocks, worthy a Grand Secretary—enter Interjection and Matty-May.) What news?

Interjection—Bad, very! We've just seen Flint, down at the Pavilion: the state must go to the deuce! and I—oh, oh, oh—shan't be— oh, oh, oh—clerk—this year!

Matty-May—Nor I engrossing clerk! My slender thread but slackly holds a paltry justiceship! Alas that so great ambition should bring up at so short a goal!

Lamentations—Just as I expected, by—! But where's Greedy?

Interjection—Started hours since. I'faith, he so puffeth at the mouth, he hath become short o' wind in the legs.

Lamentations—And—here they come—(enter Greedy, Bobo'lincoln and Dyedinthewool)— How stands the county, Greedy?

Greedy—Goin' fast, I'm thinkin'. The fact is, our ticket is a dead weight, and Janes and Twing are hard fellers to hoe a row with. The hardfisted farmers know 'em too well to be bamboozled by any thing we can rake up aginst them. I'm afraid we can't pay off with the state's attorneyship this year—and then I may stop hopin' to go to Kongris, even if we don't lose the deestrict.

Dyedinthewool—And the town—

Lamentations—Bring me no more reports!

Now is the winter of our discontent Made ten times fiercer by this son of York— We're dished—dead! That's the upshot of the whole matter!

Greedy—Keep cool—keep cool; I guess we can do somethin' yet.

Lamentations—What now? What doth your plodding brain suggest—what weighty matter—what crafty scheme—what cunning fable— what magic charm to chilling fears to lull, or pluck out our sinking cause by the locks?

Unburthen, Greedy—not thy corporation—but thy head. Let's see the straw which sinking men can catch—or simple men—the silly fools, 'pleased with a rattle & tickled with a straw'— may be pleased withal.

Greedy—Why, you know the enemy had a little sparrin the other night. True it's all settled now—but let's make the most of it—

Interjection—Yes, yes—after the plan of General Morgan!

Greedy—Then there's the abolition and the temperance questions; we can drag in these and show of the lectures and meetings as nothing but tricks to get votes—

Lamentations—Good, so far—my hope reviveth!

Bobo'lincoln—And there are the antimas—

Dyedinthewool—Hang 'em! Coldwater and I stuck to the old hand

Bobo'lincoln—Don't interrupt, if you please. The anties—soft soap them.—We know that the Journal types were sold—to be sure it was not till after election; but let us twist that into an accusation of corruption, and make it out that it was all a bargain to buy the Journal editor to Granny Harrison—

Greedy, Matty-May and Interjection—Libel—inous! unwarrantable! false!

Lamentations—Hold, good friends! No di—
Vision in the ranks! The disease is desperate,
and we must resort to desperate means. Yes,
gentlemen, we must go this; we must—(con-
siderable disturbance without, stumbling on the
stairs, groping for the door, &c. &c.) Hist!
who comes there!

Coldwater—(without)—Why—really—Mr.
President—

Greedy—O, 'tis Coldwater—

Lamentations—Or will be—after 'lection!—
Ha! ha! ha!

Coldwater (enters)—Why—really—he, he,
he—why—really, Mr. President—I can't—
he, he, he—understand—the question!

Lamentations—Take a chair, my dear Cold-
water; you are heavy, and evidently fatigued
by the long walk. Be seated. (Coldwater
sits into the chair—mum.) Now, my friends,
we must go this: and if Matty—May will not
do it up, why I'll do it myself. Or Matty shall
write the main article, and I will introduce the
bargain. We'll have it a dialogue, call it the
'Divan,' and the old General, (though I know
he has been at the West through most of the
canvass,) shall come in as a party. I've a
spite against 'that Watchman' for showing up
my humbugs, and I'll gratify it: so we'll have
a dab at the junior, Is't agreed?

Bobo'lincoln—Agreed!

Dysdinthewool—Agreed!

Coldwater (rubbing his eyes)—Why—really
I don't—under—

Lamentations—Ah, he agrees, and so do I—
and that's a majority—according to the usages
of the party. What more?

Greedy—Cravin' Dyedinthewool's pardon,
jest give them a shy dab at 'lectioneerin', to
wind off with.

Bobo'lincoln—And gouge—&—

Lamentations—And give a touch of humbug
in the introduction.

Matty—May—Ay, ay, and ditto in the middle!

Bobo'lincoln—Ditto in the end!!

Interjection—Ditto all over!!! (Sings,)

"Round about the cauldron go;
In the poisoned entrails throw,—
Shameless slander—party slang—
Shove the goose-quill, whack, slambang—"

All, save Coldwater—Double, double toil and tug—
This is the age of humbug.

[Coldwater awakes.]

Interjection—We're anti-bank—if Van is to;
If bank, says ho—just so we go!
We love the profligals dearly, O—
If they love us, and vote just so!

All, save Coldwater—Double, double toil and tug—
This is the age of humbug.

[Coldwater stares.]

Interjection—We dearly love the treasury pap—
The pay per day—the salaries fat;
For these we'll work in wind and rain,
Or turn and twist and turn again!

[Aside—Mat, that means us.]

All, save Coldwater—Double, double toil and tug:
This is the age of humbug.

(Coldwater clears his pipes.)

Interjection—Again, about the cauldron go,
In the poisoned entrails throw—
Shameless slander—party slang:
Shove the goose-quill, whack, slam-
bang!

All, save Coldwater—Double, double toil and tug,
This is the age of humbug.

Exeunt omnes—Coldwater leaning on Greedy's arm
and singing:-

Tumble, tumble, toil and bug—
This is the age of rum—ugh!!

[For the brat, head, shoulders and all, see
Just Vermont Patriot.]