The Miners' Express

The Unclad Horseman.
BY MAJOR JOSEPH JONSS.

Widowers should look out for breakers.

Absolem Nippers was a widower, and one of the particularest men, perhaps, that ever lived, though some people said that when his wife was alive he used to dress as a common field-hand, and didn't take any pains with himself at all. In his own settlement he had a monstrous bad name, particularly among the wimmin, who used to say that he didn't allow his wife mor'n one dress a year, and as for a new shawl or bonnet, the poor woman didn't know nothing about such things. Everybody noticed how he spruced up, in about six weeks after Mrs. Nippers died, and how he went to church regular every Sunday, but they didn't have no confidence in his religion, and used to say that he only went to church to show his new suit of mourning, and to ogle the gals. Old Mrs. Rogers hated him like pizen and said that she believed his poor wife broken-hearted, and as to his pretending to be sorry about it, that was all sham, for she could see plain enough at the funeral, that he had one eye in the grave and the other on the gals that was there, tryin to pick out of 'em a getting another Mrs. Nippers near home. And whether he was as bad to his first wife as they said he was or not, one thing is certain, he had to look abroad for some one to fill her place.

Mr. Nippers was very lucky in finding a gal just to his mind, what lived ten miles from his plantation. Nancy Parker was rich, and though she wasn't very young nor very handsome, she belonged to the Nippers church, and filled his eye exactly; so he set in courting her with all his might. Ten miles was a good long ride, and as he was an economical man, he used to ride over to old Mrs. Parker's plantation every Sunday morning, to go to church with the family, take dinner with them, and ride back in the cool of the evening. In that way he managed to kill two birds with one stone; that is, to advance the prospect of his happiness on this earth, and the world to come, without losing any of his week-day time.

A ride over a dusty road, is apt to soil a gentleman's dry goods, and make him and his horse very tired. However, Mr. Nippers did not mind the fatigue as much as horse; but in a matter such as he had in hand, it was very important that he should make as good an impression as possible, so he adopted a plan by which he was able to present himself before the object of his affections in order, with his Sunday coat as clean, and his blooming ruffles as fresh and neat, as if they had just come out of a band-box. This was a happy expedient, and what no body but a widower lover would think of. He used to start from home with his new coat and shirt tied up in a pocket handkerchief, and after riding within a quarter of a mile of Mrs. Parker's plantation, he would turn off into a thicket of chincapin bushes, and there make his rural toilet.

One bright Sunday morning, Mr. Nippers had arrived at his dressing ground. It was an important occasion. Every thing was promising and he had made up his mind to pop the question that very day. There was no doubt in his mind that he would return home an engaged man, and he was reckoning to himself the value of Miss Nancy's plantation, and niggers, while he was sitting on his horse making his accustomed change of dress.

He had dropped the reins on his horse's neck, what was browsing about, making up his last night's scanty feed from the bushes in his reach, and kicking and stomping at such flies as was feeding on him in return.

"I'll fix the business this time," ses Mr. Nippers to himself, "I'll bring things to a pint this time," ses he, as he untied the handkerchief with his clean clothes, and spread them on the saddle bow.

"Wo, Ball," ses he, "I've just got to say the word, and-wo!" ses he to his horse, what was kicking and rearing about. "Wo! you cussed old fool-and the business is settled, just like fallin' off a log."

He was drawing his shirt over his head, when Ball gave a sudden spring what like to made him lose his balance. "Wo," ses he; but before he could get his arms out of the sleeves, Ball was wheeling and kicking like wrath at something that seemed to trouble him behind. Down went the clean clothes, shirt and all, on the ground.

"Blast yer infernal pictur-wo, now!" ses Mr. Nippers, grabbing at the reins. But before he could get hold of em, Ball was off like a streak of lightning with a whole swarm of yellow-jackets round his tail.

Mr. Nippers grabbed hold of his mane, and tried to stop the horse, but it was no use. Away went the infuriated Ball, and taking the road he was used to traveling, another moment brung him to the house. The gate was open, and in dashed the horse with the almost naked Nippers hanging to his neck, hollering "stop him! hornets! hornets!" as loud as he could scream.

On came the dogs, and after the horse they went round and round the house, scattering the ducks and chickens, and terrifying the little niggers out of their senses. The noise brung the wimmin to the door.

"Don't look, Miss Nancy! hornets! wo! ketch him!" shouted the unclad Nippers, as with spent breath he was dashing out of the gate agin, with the dogs still after him, and his horse's tail switching in every direction, like a young hurricane. Miss Nancy got one glimpse of her forlorn lover, and before she could get her apron to her eyes, she fainted at the awful sight(!) while his last receding voice, crying "hornets! stop him! hornets!" still rung in her ears.