Gazette Of The United States

FROM THE GENERAL ADVERTISER.

Mr. Bache,

To

HAPPENED lately to be in the company of several young ladies, where the following curious conversation took place:-

Sophia. Mercy on our poor Congress!! really fear that some of them will return home crack-brained or hysteric. Our body politic is so very sore, that it cannot bear to be handled, though ever so gently; every part cries, touch me not: Don't pull my hair, Sirrah, halloos one: You tread on my toes, squeals another: Your confounded elbow kicks my stomach, roars a third: I'll pay you for pulling a gentleman's nose, thunders the fourth.

If Congress attempts a duty on rum and whisky, they are hissed, as if they would tax the milk of sucking babes. If Congress will teach our young men to defend their mothers and sweethearts, they are called pick-pockets and cut-throats.

Charlotte. Indeed I sincerely pity our national guardians. Their pupils are more whimsical than young girls, and some of them as froward as naughty boys. The militia act seems to displease every one. The great body of Quakers dislike it: The trades-people want exemption for their apprentices: The students expect immunity: The young farmers will not bear the burden alone. I suppose that we young women must learn militia duty, and turn out with both musquet and bayonet.

Thalestris. Upon my word, I long for this happy change of affairs. We shall then expunge the odious obey from the wedding ceremony. Should I ever be unlucky enough to get a husband, savage as an Indian, and strong as Goliath, I'll keep him quiet as a mouse, by flashing my gun in his face. Then, my girls, we shall first be absolute mistresses of our houses, and then in a very short time govern the state also. We shall in this western hemisphere set up a FEMALE EMPIRE, that shall laugh at all the male governments in the world.

Roxana. My dear girl, let me kiss you for that greatness of soul. Oh, may the glorious day soon dawn, when our sex shall be delivered from an ignominious slavery of 6000 years: a slavery founded upon the story of our first mother's eating a forbidden apple: a slavery exercised by pedants, sophists, blockheads, drones, drunkards, fops, gamesters, bloods, bigots, rakes, voluptuaries over the far more virtuous, sensible, lovely part of the human species. In fifty quarto volumes of ancient and modern history, you will not find fifty illustrious female names; heroes, statesmen, divines, philosophers, artists, are all of the masculine gender. And pray what have they done during this long period of usurpation? Busy they have been with a witness: They have written ten thousand unintelligible books: They have laboured 3000 years to establish erroneous systems, and worked hard again for another 1000 years to pull them down: They have been cutting each other's throats all over the globe, and murdered at least one hundred millions in quarrels about idols, titles, gold lace, nutmeg and rum: They have disputed for many centuries about the best form of government, without producing one good pattern-I boldly affirm, not one, not even in this country; because the federal constitution has the great defect of being too good, that is, of supposing more virtue in the people than they really have; of supposing them wise, generous, brave, when they cannot see their true interest, when they love pelf, and hate martial exercises.

Thalestris. I am exceedingly pleased, my dear, with your congenial sentiments, and hope that we have 100,000 sisters in the United States. I anticipate the glorious day when American ladies shall be Commanders, Presidents of Congress, Ambassadors, Governors, Secretaries of State, Professors, Judges, Preachers; when the golden age of the Poets, and the millennium of the Christians shall be realized in America.

Amelia. Yet ladies, you must in the execution of this splendid plan, employ the men, at least in subordinate parts.

Thalestris. Yes, yes, we will make them hewers of wood and drawers of water; they shall cook for us, make our shoes, knit stockings, wash our linen, &c. &c. We shall perhaps employ some of them as pioneers and sutlers in our camps, mere quill-drivers in the petty offices, door-keepers, messengers, sextons, and so forth.

Amelia. But will they submit to this inferiority.

Roxana. Inferior minds will be fitted for inferior stations. We shall keep the sword and the spur in our own hands. We shall moreover keep them ignorant, and from infancy bend their mind to servility.

Amelia. But, after all, is not woman made for man? and would you be the wife of such a pusillanimous creature? If not, how would you preserve this noble race of females, and the grand empire you talk of.

Thalestris. I confess you puzzle me. However, we must pick out the least defective males, or else import from Europe some of their best men, cost what it will.

Amelia. This would still be a very partial supply; nine in ten of the women must die old maids.

Roxana. It is so. We must make that use of the men which nature intended. I hope also, that this necessary evil will not spoil the offspring; because the great Linnæus has proved that we derive the mental part from our mothers. Admitting that the bodies of our children should be the worse for the imbecility of their fathers, we can harden them by cold baths, exercise, &c.

Maria. My dear friends, your schemes are utopian. The laws of Providence are immutable: Man must do the rough work of society: Woman shines in the tender cares and elegant arts of domestic life Let us carry a counter-petition to Congress, signed by ten thousand fair Americans; let us boldly declare, that we will never marry a man who cannot, in case of need, protect us and our children.-

The lady proceeded in sketching this petition; it was arranged within an hour, and is now circulating over the country for subscription: I shall shortly give you a copy of it.

Your friend,
C.