Loudon Free Press

Ben Jonsing in New Orleans.

HE GOES TO A SOIREE.

My Dear Mr. Editor:—I haint writ you in so long a time, I spose you naterally have concluded 'Ben Jonsing are no more.' I had thought I had writ my last, but when I got to this ever lastin big town, and seed so many new things, I have just concluded to shell you out a few of the many things that have jammed and crambed my head as chock full of oddities, as you ever seed a boy of ten years have his pockets full of strings, tops, marbles, and old leather.

Ever since I have been in New Orleans, I have had my eyes open as wide as a wolf-trap: howsomever, it did not keep me from being run agin some two or three times by them consarned long tailed two wheeled carts they haul cotton in; spinnin my shoes in the puddle and runnin smack into the blessed arms of some three or four good looking gals, whilst I was walin very slowly along the road, tryin to spell out the picture signs. I was about to pologize to the gals, but some of the fellers from Sleepy Hollar said it warn't nothin to be pologizin' about, that the same accident always happens to fellers as soon as they get to going' about this town. The fact is, I am sorter inclined to believe that this is the city of sisterly love, and if you had been where I was tuther night, you would have thought so too.

You see my commission merchant is a very clever feller, and asked me if I did not want to go to a sorry. You see, I thought as how it was a sort of funeral, and said no—I was in too good a humor to be sorry. He seed my mistake, and 'splained to me that it was a frolic where they had musick and dansin.' Oh, if that is it I'll go, but it is a monsus quare name for a frolic.' 'Put on your best clothes,' says he, 'and I will call arter you to-night.'

Soon after supper I shaved as smooth as an Ingun, put considerable of the slick on my head, had the upper end of my shirt as stiff as the side board of a cotton wagon, jacket as white as snow, and shoes as black and shiny' as a nigger's face.

It was my impression, that I looked to be considerable 'Pumpkins,' and haint felt as big before since the day I took my bonny Kate for better or wus. Thus tricked out, I went to the Hall, where the sorry was to be seen. I was tolerable green 'bout these things, but made out it was all as natural as a gourd vine, for I seed a heap of green fellers in the city puttin' on big airs.'

When we got to the place, we found a great large room, as big as a house, lighted up with smashin' big lamps, covered all over with glass hangings. The ladies looked as nice as little angels, their faces as white as if they had dipped 'em into a flour barrel; such red cheeks as I hant seen in Sleepy Holler, their arms all covered with gold bands, chains, and shiny beads: such lips you never did see; they looked 'come kiss me' all over—their eyes looked like diamonds, their waists were drawn to the size of a pipe stem, and made them look like they were undergoin' a regnlar cuttin' in two operation, by tyin' a string tight round 'em; and their thin bosoms, oh, lordly! all covered up in laces and muslin, they rose again, like, oh! I don't know what it was like, exceptin' the breathen' of a snowy white goose chucked in a tight bag, with its breast just out.

After the gals and youngsters had walked round, and round, for a considerable spell, the music struck up; and such musick—it was a big horn and a little horn, a big flute and a little flute, a big fiddle and a little fiddle—and such squakin' squallin' bellowin' and groanin' I never hurd before, it was like all the cats, pigs and frogs in cristendom had concluded to sing together. They called it a german Poker. I spose it was made by some of them Cincinnati Germans, in imitation of the squallin' at a Pork packery, and I guess it was a pretty good imitation.

So soon as the music struck up, such a sight. The fellers just cotch the gals right round the waist with both hands, and pulled 'em smack up in kissin' order, with the gals bosoms agin their bosoms, and the gals' chins restin on the fellers shoulders. At this the gals begin to sorter jump and caper like they were agoin' to push 'em away; but the fellers just caught hold of the other hand and held it off, and begun to jump and caper too, just like the gals.

I swon upon a stack of bibles, you never seed such a sight. There was some two dozen gals held tight in the arms of them fellers—they a rarring' and jumpin' and a pushin' 'em backwards over the room. (as I thought tryin to get away,) and the fellers holdin'on to 'em tighter and tighter—the more the gals jumped and capered the tighter they squeezed the gals, till at last I began to think the thing was bein' carried too far for fun. I was a little green in these matters, and seein' the gals trvin' harder and harder to get away, as I thought; and the fellers holdin tighter and tighter it is very nateral I should take the part of the gals. So my dander kept risin' higher and higher, till I thought my biler would bust unless I let out the steam, I bounced smack into the middle of the room.

Thunder and lightnin'!—every body come here with a shot-gun, five shooters, and butcher-knives!' bawled at the top of my voice, for I will be shot if any dod blasted, long-beardd, monkey-faced feller shall impose on gals in that way where I am!' and was just agoin' to pitch into 'em promiscuously, when my merchant caught me by the arm, and said, 'Stop Ben.'—I'll be cussed,' says I, 'if I will see the wimin folks imposed upon! Look what the fellers are a doin' and how hard the gals are rarin' and pitchen' to get away from 'em. Do you spose I can stand still as a mill post, and see tbe gals suffer so.—Look.' says I, 'there is a gal almost broken down, and ready to give up to that orang-otang of a feller! Yonder is another, so faint, her head has fallen on the bosom of that monster!' I tell you I was ashy. I felt like I could jump 'em like a catamount into a pig-pen.

When I looked into my merchant's face, I thought he would have bursted. He laft and, laft, and squatted down and laft. 'Why,' said he, 'Ben, that is nothing but the red war waltz, they are dancin', and them gals aint tryin' to get away from them fellers, they are only caperin to make the fellers hold 'em tighter, kase they like it. The more the gal capers, the better they like it. As to layin' their heads on the fellers busom, that's very common in the city. They expect to be married some of these days, and they want to be accustomed to it, so they wont be a blushin' and turnin' pale when the Parson tells the groom to salute the bride. There is nothin' like bein' use to such things.

'You may take my hat,' says I, to my merchant, 'I was tuk in that time.' I tell you thongh, it is the first time I seed the like before. I have seen the Injun hug, and the Congo dance, but I tell you this red war waltz knocks the hat crown out of every thing I ever seed.

Arter I had got out of the way and every thing commenced goin' on again', the music got faster and faster, oh! it was as fast and as furious as a nor'wester. The gals reared agin,' the fellers hugged tighter, and the musie makers puffed out a blewin.' Then the gals and fellers spun round like so many dancin' tops run mad. The fellers leaned back, and the gals leaned to 'em; the gals' fine frocks sailed out and popped in the air like sheets on a closeline of a sunny day, and the fellers' coat tails stood out so straight an egg would not have rolled off, their faces were as fixed and serious as at a sarmint.—

Around and around and around they went it, it makes me dizzy to think of it. Pop went the coat tails, crash went the music, and pitty patty, rumble dumple de thump went the feet of all.

By and by, as beautiful craft as you ever seed in the shape of women, layin' close upon a long bean pole lookin' feller, came sailin' at the rate of fifteen knots an hour down our way, whilst a fat, dumpy woman and humped shouldered beef eaten' sort of a feller, at the same speed went up the other. I seed there was to be bumpin & naterally trembled for the conseguences. Sure enough, cawhollop they came together, and slap dash the whole on 'em fell flat in the middle of the floor carryin' along with 'em everybody standing near.

Such a mixing up of things as then took place haint occurred before since old father Noah unloaded the great ark. There was legs and arms, white kids and prunellas, patent leathers and sattin gaiters, shoe strings and garter, neck ribbons and gard chains, false curls and whiskers, womens' bustles and pocket hankerchiefs, all in a pile: the gals a kickin' and squeelin and the fellers a gruntin' and apologizin. 'Oh! lordy,' says I, for I was considerable flustrated at the sight, 'stop that music, blow out the lights, or all hands shut their eves, until these women folks get unmixed.' At this, such a laugh you never herd.

Why, Col. Jonsing," says my merchant that is nothin, it frequently happens, and is one of the advantages of the red war waltz. 'If the gals ain't learned how to mix with the world, how can they ever get'a along?' I would rather have them a little less mixed.' However let us leave, for I seed enough of the sorry in that pile, jest now, to satisfy me for a week,' and at that we bid 'em good night and left, promisin to go to the next one and take a few lessons in the common porker and shoutish dance. How I came out may be I may tell you in another letter.

Your friend,

BEN JONSING

of Sleepy Holler.