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Editorial
October 24, 1955
The Key West Citizen
Key West, Monroe County, Florida
What is this article about?
Hal Boyle's satirical column humorously addresses common questions about the challenges, ideas, and quirks of writing a daily newspaper column over 12 years.
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Hal Boyle
Says
NEW YORK (P)—A human skull rolled out on the table, and the duchess cried, "Take your hands off me!"
Lest any mystery arise from the foregoing sentence, let me hasten to explain. I wrote it only to please two of my oldest critics.
A dozen years ago I took up that odd kind of mental carpentering called newspaper columning.
Over all those years a news friend has told me perhaps a thousand times, "the only way to interest readers is to startle them at the start. You should begin every column with the sentence, 'a human skull rolled out on the table'- and then go on and write about whatever else you have in mind."
Another news friend has agreed with him in principle, but has held out for this opening sentence. "Take your hands off me," the duchess cried.
"It has the three things that interest people most - sex, money and high society," he claims. "You could use the sentence day after day after day and your readers would never tire of it."
Maybe they wouldn't - but I would. And so let us say goodbye forever to the rolling skull and the crying duchess.
For some reason many readers are interested in the behind-the-scenes trials and tribulations of writing a daily newspaper column.
Today I'd like to answer some of the questions most often asked me during my 12 years of buried life.
Q. Do you own a yacht?
A. "No!"
Q. Is it hard getting a new idea every day?
A. No harder than it would be to give blood every day.
Q. My son, who is in the 6th grade and says the cutest things, wants to be a columnist. What should I do?
A. Hold his head under cold water; repeat whenever necessary.
Q. What really is the best training for a columnist?
A. Ditch digging, flagpole sitting and strip teasing.
Q. How does a columnist really get most of his ideas?
A. Crying himself to sleep.
Q. Columnists are always crusading to change the world. Which of your crusades are you proudest of?
A. My lifelong attempt to gain more recognition each year for the second robin of spring.
Q. Does a columnist need a good memory?
A. No, he needs a bad memory. Otherwise he couldn't write the same idea 10 times over and still keep a clear conscience.
Q. Do columnists like each other?
A. Sure, the same way women like each other.
Q. Why are columnists always setting up straw dummies and knocking them over?
A. They have found that if they hit real people, the real people hit back - and that hurts.
Q. Do most columnists write from an inner need? If so, what is it?
A. Hunger.
Q. What is the greatest problem that could face a columnist?
A. Having to write a column on a typewriter with a broken "p" key.
Q. What is the one thing a columnist needs most to become successful?
A. A successful employer with a sense of humor.
Says
NEW YORK (P)—A human skull rolled out on the table, and the duchess cried, "Take your hands off me!"
Lest any mystery arise from the foregoing sentence, let me hasten to explain. I wrote it only to please two of my oldest critics.
A dozen years ago I took up that odd kind of mental carpentering called newspaper columning.
Over all those years a news friend has told me perhaps a thousand times, "the only way to interest readers is to startle them at the start. You should begin every column with the sentence, 'a human skull rolled out on the table'- and then go on and write about whatever else you have in mind."
Another news friend has agreed with him in principle, but has held out for this opening sentence. "Take your hands off me," the duchess cried.
"It has the three things that interest people most - sex, money and high society," he claims. "You could use the sentence day after day after day and your readers would never tire of it."
Maybe they wouldn't - but I would. And so let us say goodbye forever to the rolling skull and the crying duchess.
For some reason many readers are interested in the behind-the-scenes trials and tribulations of writing a daily newspaper column.
Today I'd like to answer some of the questions most often asked me during my 12 years of buried life.
Q. Do you own a yacht?
A. "No!"
Q. Is it hard getting a new idea every day?
A. No harder than it would be to give blood every day.
Q. My son, who is in the 6th grade and says the cutest things, wants to be a columnist. What should I do?
A. Hold his head under cold water; repeat whenever necessary.
Q. What really is the best training for a columnist?
A. Ditch digging, flagpole sitting and strip teasing.
Q. How does a columnist really get most of his ideas?
A. Crying himself to sleep.
Q. Columnists are always crusading to change the world. Which of your crusades are you proudest of?
A. My lifelong attempt to gain more recognition each year for the second robin of spring.
Q. Does a columnist need a good memory?
A. No, he needs a bad memory. Otherwise he couldn't write the same idea 10 times over and still keep a clear conscience.
Q. Do columnists like each other?
A. Sure, the same way women like each other.
Q. Why are columnists always setting up straw dummies and knocking them over?
A. They have found that if they hit real people, the real people hit back - and that hurts.
Q. Do most columnists write from an inner need? If so, what is it?
A. Hunger.
Q. What is the greatest problem that could face a columnist?
A. Having to write a column on a typewriter with a broken "p" key.
Q. What is the one thing a columnist needs most to become successful?
A. A successful employer with a sense of humor.
What sub-type of article is it?
Satire
What keywords are associated?
Newspaper Column
Columnist Life
Writing Humor
Satirical Advice
Press Craft
What entities or persons were involved?
Hal Boyle
Columnists
Editorial Details
Primary Topic
Humorous Reflections On Newspaper Column Writing
Stance / Tone
Witty And Self Deprecating
Key Figures
Hal Boyle
Columnists
Key Arguments
Startle Readers With Dramatic Openings Like 'A Human Skull Rolled Out On The Table'
Readers Interested In Behind The Scenes Of Column Writing
No Yacht Ownership
Ideas Come As Hard As Daily Blood Donation
Discourage Child's Columnist Ambition With Cold Water
Best Training: Ditch Digging, Flagpole Sitting, Strip Teasing
Ideas From Crying To Sleep
Proudest Crusade: Recognition For Second Robin Of Spring
Needs Bad Memory To Repeat Ideas
Columnists Like Each Other Like Women Do
Set Up Straw Dummies To Avoid Real Backlash
Write From Hunger
Worst Problem: Broken 'P' Key
Needs Successful Employer With Humor