The New Hampshire Gazette

From a late British Magazine.
The Bachelor’s Thermometer.
30. Looked back through a vista ten years; remember that at twenty I looked upon a man of thirty as a middle aged man—wondered at my error, and protracted the middle age to forty. Said to myself “forty is the age of wisdom.” Reflected generally upon past life: wished myself twenty again, and exclaimed, “If I were but twenty, what a scholar I would be by thirty! but it’s too late now. Looked in the glass; still youthful, but getting rather fat. Young says “a fool at forty is a fool indeed;” forty, therefore, must be the age of wisdom.
31. Read in the Morning Chronicle that a watch maker, in Paris, aged thirty one, had shot himself for love. More fool the watch-maker! Agreed that nobody fell in love after twenty. Quoted Sterne, “The expression of fall in love, evidently shows love to be beneath a man.” Went to Drury Lane: saw Miss Crotch, in Roetta, and fell in love with her. Received her ultimatum; none but matrimonians need apply. Was three months making up my mind, (a long time for making up such a little parcel,) when Kitty Crotch eloped with Earl Buckton. Pretended to be very glad. Took three turns up and down library, and looked in the glass. Getting rather fat and florid. Met a friend in Gray’s Inn, who said I was evidently in rude health. Thought the compliment ruder than the health.
32. Passion for dancing rather on the decline. Voted sitting out play and farce, one of impossibilities. Still in stage box three nights per week. Sympathized with the public in vexation, occasioned by non attendance the other three; can’t please every body. Began to wonder at the pleasure of kicking one’s heels on a chalked floor, till four in the morning. Sold bay mare, who reared at three carriages, and shook me out of the saddle. Thought saddle-making rather worse than formerly. Hair growing thin. Bought a bottle of Tricesian fluid. Mem. “a flattering unction.”
33. Hair thinner. Serious thoughts of a wig: met Colonel Buckhorse, who wears one. Serious thoughts of letting it alone. Met a fellow Etonian in the Green Park, who told me I wore well: wondered what he could mean. Gave up cricket club, on account of the air about Paddington; could not run it, without being out of breath.
34. Measured for a new coat. Tailor proposed fresh measure, hinting something about bulk. Old measure too short; parchment shrinks. Shortened my morning ride to Hampstead and Highgate, and wondered what people could see at Hendon. Determined not to marry; means expensive and dubious. Counted eighteen bald heads in the pit, at the Opera. So much the better—the more the merrier.
35. Tried on an old great coat, and found it an old little one; cloth shrinks as well as parchment. Red face in putting on shoes. Bought a shoe horn. Remember quizzing my uncle George for using one; then young and foolish. Hunting-belts for gentlemen hung up in Glover’s windows.—Longed to buy one: but, two women in Shop cheapening mittens. Three grey hairs in left eye-brow.
36. Several grey hairs in whiskers; all owing to carelessness in manufactory of having soap. Remember thinking my father an old man at thirty six. Settled the point. Men grew old sooner in former days. Laid blame upon flapped waistcoats and tie wigs. Skated upon the Serpentine. Gout. Very foolish exercise. Only six for boys. Gave skates to Charles eldest son.
37. Fell in love again. Rather pleasing to find myself not too old for the passion. Emma only nineteen. What then? Women require protectors; day settled: terribly frightened; too late to get off. Luckily jilted. Emma married George Parkes one day before me. Again determined never to marry. Turned off old taylor, and took to new one in Bond street. Some of those fellows make a man look ten years younger. Not that that was the reason.
38. Stuck rather more to dinner parties. Gave up country dancing. Money-mus- certainly more fatiguing than formerly.—Fiddlers play it too quick. Quadrilles stealing hither over the channel. Thought of adding to a number of grave gentlemen who learn to dance. Dick Dapper dubbed me one of the over grown schoolboys. Very impertinent and untrue.
39. Quadrilles rising. Wonder sober mistresses of families would allow their carpets to be beat after that fashion. Dinner parties increasing. Found myself gradually Tontine it towards top of the table—Dreaded Ultima Thule of hostess’s elbow. Good places for cutting turkeys—bad for cutting jokes. Wonder why I was always desired to walk up. Met two school-fellows at Pimlico, both fat and red faced. Used to say at school, that they were both of my age.—What lies boys tell!
40. Look back ten years. Remember at thirty thinking forty a middle aged man. Must have meant fifty. Fifty certainly the age of wisdom. Determined to be wise in ten years. Wished to learn music and Italian. Tried Logier; it would not do—No defect of capacity; but those things should be learned in childhood.
41. New furnished chambers. Looked in new glass; one chin too much. Looked on other new glass; chin still double. Art of glass making on the decline. Sold my horse; and wondered people could find any pleasure in being bumped? What were legs made for?
42. Gout again. That disease certainly attacks young people more than formerly. Caught myself at a rubber of whist, and blushed. Tried my hand at original composition, and found a hankering after epigram and satire. Wondered I could ever write love sonnets. Imitated Horace’s Ode. “Ne sit ancilla.” Did not mean any thing serious; thought Susan certainly civil and attentive.
43. Bought a hunting-belt. Braced myself up till ready to burst. Intestines not to be tried with; threw it aside.—Young men now a days much too small in the waist. “Pills to prevent Corpulency:” bought a box. Never got the slimmer, though much the sicker.
44. Met Fanny Stapleton, now Mrs. Meadows. Twenty-five years ago wanted to marry her. What an escape. Women certainly age much sooner than men.—Charles’s eldest boy began to think himself a man. Starched cravat and a cane.—What presumption! At his age I was a child.
45. A few wrinkles about the eyes, commonly called crow’s feet. Must have caught cold. Began to talk politics and shun the drawing rooms. Eulogized Garrick: saw nothing in Kean. Talked of Lord North. Wondered at the licentiousness of the modern press. Why can’t people be civil, like Junius and John Wilkes in the good old times?
46. Rather on the decline, but still handsome and interesting. Growing dislike to the company of young men: all of them talk too much or too little. Began to call chambermaids at inns, “my dear.”—Thought the money expended on Waterloo Bridge might be better employed. Listened to a howl from Capt. Querulous, about family expenses. Price of bread and butcher’s meat. Did not care a jot if bread was a shilling a loaf, and butcher’s meat fifty pounds a calf. Hugged myself in “single blessedness,” and wished him a good morning.
47. Top of head quite bald. Pleaded Lord Grey in justification. Shook it, on reflecting that I was but three years removed from the “Age of Wisdom.” Teeth found, but not so white as heretofore.—Something the matter with the dentifrice. Began to be cautious in chronology. Bad thing to remember too far back. Had serious thoughts of not remembering Miss Farren.
48. Quite settled not to remember Miss Farren.
49. Resolved never to marry but for money or rank.
50. Age of wisdom.—Married my cook.—Grimm’s Ghost.