Rapides Gazette

Some Billings Biographies.

Adam Billings waz the fust ov the Billingses. He waz verry phatt. Little did he dream ov the glorious krop that waz a going tew spring up from hiz sowing. He waz born, az near az i kan figger, about the year 1200, more or less. Hiz temper iz represented az being az even az the figger Hiz habits were az pure az the mountain dew; he never drinkt any spiritous rum, nor root elevators. He went barefutt until hiz 32d year, and ever afterwards luved the naked futt. He waz a good danser, and realized thoze blessed old shake downs, now gone and fled. He was named after the original Adam, and iz sed, bi them who remember them both, tew resemble him much in the kast ov hiz face. He waz too fond ov the marvelous, he wouldn't tell a lie exackly, but he could cum az near tew it, az a swallo kan to a frog's noze, when they skim a mud puddle. Adam Billings iz now ded, i beleave, but if he aint, and this should meet hiz eye, he kant, i think, but admire the square ianner in which his luvely relik haz handled his case. Adam Billings didn't leave much reputashun behind him, but what he did leave, is fair tew middling. We ne'er shall see him more. Probably not. Too true. Rather melancholy than otherwise.

Zepheniah Billings waz a phiddler bi birth and purswashun. He also had another gift, and that waz tew owe everyboddy. Late in life he quit phiddling, and took up shumaking; but the world lost a good phidler bi the operashun, and got a kussid poor shumaker. Oh! 'tis ever thus. At hiz final deth he owed upwards ov 70 dollars, and hiz leavings konsisted ov one old phiddle, and a pint ov basswood shupegs. He would travel on foot 7 miles tew a kuntry tavern, and phiddle all nite at a kuntry bawl for 75 cents. and owe the landlord two dollars and a half nex mornin for vittles and drink. Zeph' was an unprofitable man to know, for he couldn't tend an evening meeting, on Sunday, without running into det to sumboddy. It waz sed ov him, that he waz never known tew shed a tear or pa a det. He died finally, and i presume he was saved; but he may hay bin lost. for accidents will happen in the uppermost familys. He had a cool hed. and a warmn harte. Bless Zepheniah Billings, he was a ripe skoliar on the phiddle, and could pla" Tare her doron, Sal," and sich dear old sweet-savoured things, klean up tew perfekshun. He haz gone now, allass! allass! but i am prepared tew say, in the language ov another, "Bully for yu, Zephania!" All flesh iz grass. So i've bin told. Funny. Mutch.

Jehossiphatt Billings waz a very kluss man; he never wuz known tew waste ennything, by giving it away. The grate extravagans ov hiz life, and the one he never forgot tew speak ov, waz giving 3 dollars towards building the Pordunk meetin hous. After he giv the munny, he took such a deep interest in the work on the meetin hous, that the kommitty wuz obliged tew giv him bak the munny tew git shut ov him. He swore he'd sue thein for the interest on the munny, but he never did. Jehoss' Billings wuz one ov them kind ov men who mistake avarice for ekonemy. He died at the age ov 63, if i hay sarched right, trom an overdose ov klam chowder drank at a free lunch. Jehossiphatt Billings had his phailings, but reckless extravagans want among the lot. he also had his virtues, but blind and irrepressible generosity want among this lot neither. He wuz buried, without eny fuss. in the year 1256. What has bekum ov him I kan't state. Sleep on, Jehossiphatt, in thi slumbers. I would like tew say sum more about Jehoss', but i kant without telling the truth. Truth iz sumtimes like a hot pertato, the only way tew handle it eazy, is tew drop it. I wall dri up here. The end. Hush! Lay low.

Melkisidek Billings waz a dandy ov the old skool, and also a lover. He loved the whcle entire femail populashun. He parted hiz hare in the middle. and did it unkommon even. He had one grate weaknes which grew on him, and that waz the length of hiz little finger-nale. Historians say that this finger-nale gru tew be a yard in length, but it strikes me that this imust be a profound lie. He waz a very punktilious man, in hiz every-day wear, and drest chuck up tew the fashun. Melkisidek hadn't mutch branes, but he didn't need much, for hiz bizzness thru life wuz the lover bizzness. Just before he died he married, and left one dauter, a sentimental offspring, who atterwards run away, at the age ov 16, with a dansing master. Mel Billings waz ov the nuter jender, he hadn't karakter enuff to do enny hurt, and ov kurs kouldn't do enny good. He died about the right time, anno domini 1695, and waz buried comfortably in the graveyard, at lower Pondunk town. Melkisidek Billings waz mi ansesstor, and that waz kind in him. He had an epitaff on hiz stone which i don't rekolekt ov ever seeing in print before, and for the benefit of those who studdy theze memorandums i will translate it. "An honest man iz the nobless work ov God." Good, aint it? Rather!

Soloman Billings waz born the 26th ov May 1322, old stile. He waz knone fur and near for hiz chunks ov wisdum, but, like Soloman ov old, he could talk wisdum better than he could do it. This iz the way with all the wize men i hav met lately. Soloman Billings waz a leetle slippery, but he managed tew git thru life without slipping down much, and died reazonably well. He waz sed, bi all who knu him, tew be chuk full ov wisdum; he could tell, br looking at the egg, how mutch a goslin would weigh before it waz born, and when the best time waz tew set a hen or a gatepost. Sol's mouth waz full ov wisdum; lighting couldn't strike a tree, just for fun, but what he would preach a moral sermon from the tex. He waz dredful sertain ov what he did kno, and want the least bit unsertain ov what he didn't kno. I find in digging down tew the hard pan ov Soloman, mi ansesstor, that he had a grate deal ov vanity, a large amount ov impudense, a good supply ov inkredulity, just the things, for all the world, tew make a wize phool out of. He died az aforesed, and i look bak upon him az one who haz departed this life. Adew, Soloman, mi ansesstor. Deth iz tuff. Sumwhat! I will add, quite.

Duteronomy Billings waz a square man. He waz az square az the bloks on a checker-board. He waz just the same kind ov a man in the fall, az he waz in the spring ov the year; yu didn't hav tew winter him tew find out who he waz. He alwus did az he agreed, but waz dredful bakward about agreeing. Deuteronomy waz Immense in one thing, and that waz the length of hiz noze. He had more noze ackordin. than enny man in history. One writer ov the eleventh sentury, sez hiz noze waz 8 inches in length, and another makes it a frackshun over 10 inches; i will split the difference, and call it 9. If Dute' waz alive now, i think he would sustain mi figgures. In writing theze details ov mi ansesstors, i am guided bi a luv tew do a square thing, and if I er, it will be all owing tew mi luk. I never waz right lucky since i had the meazles. They took place in the 14th year ov mi age, when i lived with mi unkle. I bad them too thik. Deuteronomy Billings waz named after old Deuteronomy ov bible times, and az ansess tors run, he waz a very good kind ov a one tew hav. He died az he had lived, exackly square. In konklusion i will say lie still dear Dute', yu hav got a square thing. Thare iz force in the idee. I may add, grate force. Very. Indeed.—Josh Billings' Almanac.