Columbia Democrat And Bloomsburg General Advertiser

Miscellaneous.
The Chronicles of Abraham.
CHAPTER I.
1. Now in the first year of the reign of
Abraham, surnamed Old Abe (howbeit he
was not old), there was war in the land.
2. And the tribes of the South, whose
leader was one Jeff, gathered themselves
together and came and encamped over
against the river of the Potomac.
3. And their armies were entrenched
beyond the river, from the great sea, even
unto the mountains, which look on Man-
assas; a very great host.
4. And the King, even Abraham, commanded, and his armies came together
from beyond the Cape which is called Cod
and 'down East,' unto the far country of
the Kansas and the Jayhawkers.
5. All the tribes of the North came forth
with their fighting men, under their cap-
tains of hundreds and of thousands.
6. Footmen and horsemen and engines
of war, and Simon, the war scribe, caused
the host to be numbered; and their num-
ber was seven hundreds of thousands, and
seven thousand and sixty and two.
7. And therewith went much cattle, and
blue wagons laden with fine flour, and fir-
k ins of all meats, dried and salted, molasses also and cod fish.
C
8. Tobacco was there and whiskey, su-
gar and coffee and white beans in great
superabundance; and the sign of the wagons, and on the breastplates and upon the
banners was U. S.
9. And there was a very great host,
such as hath not been seen since the kings
of old went up to the battles.
10. And as the vultures are gathered together unto the carcasses, so there followed them
swarms of commissaries, and sutlers, and
contractors and divers camp followers.—
Greedy for spoil even as grasshoppers for
multitude.
11. Then came also money changers, and
usurers, and brokers, who take pawns, and
others of the children of the horse-leech;
and by these was the host deceived and
plundered, and tithed with sevenfold
tythes.
12. Also the substance of those who abided at home and were taxed,
was
cun-
ningly eaten up by these devouring locusts,
who cried in their language, Hail Columbia and Yankee Doodle, yet stinted not
from their spoil.
13. And the armed men and the people
groaned.
CHAPTER II.
1. And after
many
days the people
said, Why go not forth the hosts unto the
battle?
2. Lo these many months have we freely
given our gold and silver, our substance
and the work of our hands.
3. While our young men are stricken
with the plague of the camp, falling as the
leaves before the wind, and the earth festers with the dead of our kindred.
4. Our houses are made desolate, and
the voice of lamentation is heard in our
dwellings.
5. The chief men and the captains make
feasts, and are joyous with wine; they are
fierce and haughty and their eyes stick out
with fatness.
6. Day by day are the hosts placed in
battle array, and the captains and the
chief men ride before them on horses, gaudily apparelled and rejoicing in their glory.
7. They speak great swelling words, and
say, 'Who can withstand us in the day of
our wrath, when our enemies shall be
swallowed up, as the sea swalloweth up
the drop of rain?
8. Nevertheless, against the enemy, not
a spear is uplifted, not a bow is drawn.
9. The banners hang down upon the
banner staffs, and the wren builds her nest
in the mouth of the trumpet.
10. Our chief city is beleagured, and the
great rivers are sealed against our ships.
11. The hosts of the enemy have us in
derision. They put out the lip disdainfully and cry
, 'Come over to us ye Yankees,
who make merchandise of clocks, and carve
gun-flints from horn, and are cunning in
nutmegs of basswood!
12. Show yourselves; and we will give
your flesh to the buzzards of Fairfax;
and the hawks of the Old Dominion shall
line their nests with your hair.
CHAPTER III.
1. Meantime the captains take the rest,
and the host goes not forth from the tents.
2. In the morning the reveille is sounded, the drums beat the tattoo at night;
to-morrow is as this day, and the months
pass like a tale that is told.
3. They say, 'Wait yet thirty days and
your eyes shall see your great salvation.
4. All the makers of shoddy say, Amen!
and the contractors and the camp leeches
make haste to spread a feast before the
captains.
5. The armorers are made glad in their
hearts, and the countenance of the money
changers is lifted up.
CHAPTER IV.
1. Yet is the great host secretly disquieted, and the people foam at the mouth as
a war horse that champeth the bit.
2. Then is doubt and fear and anger,
and men gather at the corners of the
streets.
3. And the chosen of the chief council
say unto the captains: 'The people murmur, therefore tell us now, is there indeed
to be unto you a day of battle?
4. And the captains lay the finger on
the mouth and say, shall we open our lips
to the foe? shall the enemy come into our
councils.
5. Listen, now, and keep silence, lest a
bird of the air carry the matter.
6. The host hath no ramps? More-
over, yet thirty days, and the Spring rains
shall loosen the carrots, and a young child
can pluck up the parsnips.
7. Then shall the long spears abound,
and our hearts being strengthened, the
enemy shall be scattered like the chaff of
the threshing floor.
8. So the wise men of the council were
appeased; and they came forth and said
unto the people, 'It is all right,' and the
captains are wiser than we.
CHAPTER V.
1. But the people doubted. And they
said, tax us even to the latchets of the
shoes; and our silver and our gold are the
rings, and our young men in the flower of
their strength.
2. Shall the rebel defy us forever, and
the traitors laugh us to scorn?
3. Even now, they send embassadors
unto our enemy of old, and await the coming of his ships of war.
4. And the people came together, as the
sea gathers its tide when the whirlwind
rides on the waves.
5. And they said to Abraham, even the
king, stand forth!
6. Art thou not our ruler? We have
lifted thee up from the dust, and have put
thee in the seat of him in peace and in war
among our rulers.
7. We have placed in thy right hand
the sword of this great people, and have given to thy
arm the sinews of their
strength.
8. The great book of the Constitution.
The Supreme Law, is before thee; thou
hast sworn an oath to keep its mandates,
and walk in its light
9. Turn aside for no man, black or
white; He, the rebel and traitor, is before thee; for him alone is thy sword whetted.
10. Strike! subdue him; by the law,
according to the law. In the strength of this
people, in the favor of the Almighty, thou
canst do this thing.
11. If preadventure, hereafter, the land
redeemed and purified by blood, shall, in
order and justice, bring forth a season of
better life and hope for the bond-servants
of the law, then shall all the people say,
Amen.
12. If need be, shrink not to defile thy
garments with the dust of the march, or to
shed thy blood in the fore front of the battle.
13. Art thou not our leader? To whom
look we for deliverance, but to the king
who is mighty with the might of the whole
people?
14. He who is higher than kings shall go
before thee, and thy name shall be held
in everlasting remembrance.
15. And the sound of the multitude was
as seven thunders uttered their voices, and
they said:
16. If thy heart fail thee, give place!—
For even now is there need unto us that
we have a Man!
17. And King Abraham was troubled.
37. And the rest of the acts of King
Abraham—are not recorded in the books
of the chronicles of Seth, the Scribe?
38. And the Songs of King Abraham,
and the book of his witty sayings, and the
picture of his beauty, to be desired of women, and the maul wherewith he mauled
rails in his youth, and the special pleas
whereby he discomfited his adversaries
before the judges of the prairie, are laid up
in the Patent office.
39. Even there are they laid up in cloth
of gold, with the patent churns, and wash-
ing machines, and perpetual motions, and
all things new under the sun.
40. Howbeit the people loved Abraham:
and when, even now, they take thought of
him, they look steadfastly upon each other,
and smile a loud smile. End.