The Middlebury Register And Addison County Journal

THE BAD BOY AND THE BABY

THE TROUBLE THE NEW ARRIVAL

HAS CAUSED.

How the Bad Boy's Pa Got a Goat for the Infant's Sustenance--His New Situation as Teller in a Livery Stable.

"Well, how is the baby?" asked the grocery man of the bad boy, as he came into the grocery smelling very "horsey," and sat down on the chair with the back gone, and looked very tired.

"Oh, dickens take the baby. Everybody asks me about the baby as though it was mine. I don't pay no attention to the blame thing, except to notice the foolishness going on around the house. Say, I guess that baby will grow up to be a fire engine. The nurse coupled the baby on to a section of rubber hose that runs down into a bottle of milk, and it began to get up steam and pretty soon the milk began to disappear, just like the water does when a fire engine couples on to a hydrant. Pa calls the baby 'Old Number Two.' I am 'Number One,' and if pa had a hook and ladder truck and a hose cart and a fire gong, he would imagine he was chief engineer of the fire department. But the baby kicks on this milk wagon milk, and howls like a dog that's got lost. The doctor told pa the best thing he could do was to get a goat, but pa said since we initiated him into the Masons with the goat, he wouldn't have a goat around no how. The doc told pa the other kind of a goat. I think it was a Samantha goat he said, wouldn't kick with its head, and pa sent me up into the Polack settlement to see if I could borrow a milk goat for a few weeks. I got a woman to lend us her goat till the baby got big enough to chew beef, for a dollar a week, and paid a dollar in advance, and pa went up with me in the evening to help me get the goat. Well, it was the blamedest mistake you ever see. There was two goats so near alike that you couldn't tell which was the goat we leased, and the other goat was the chum of our goat, but it belonged to a Irish woman. We got a bed cord hitched against the Irish goat, and that goat didn't recognize the lease, and when we tried to jerk it along it reared right up and made things lively for pa. I don't know what there is about a goat that makes it get so spunky, but that goat seemed to have a grudge against pa from the first. If there were any places on pa's manly form that the goat did not explore with its heel, pa don't know where the places are. Oh, it lamed him, and when I laffed pa got mad. I told him every man ought to furnish his goats when he had a baby, and I let go of the rope and started off, and pa said he knew how it was, I wanted him to get killed. It wasn't that, but I saw the Irish woman that owned the goat coming around the corner of the house with a cistern pole. Just as pa was getting the goat out of the gate the goat got crossways of the gate, and pa yanked and doubled the goat right up, and I thought he broke the goat's neck, and the woman thought so too for she jabbed pa with the cistern pole just below the belt, and she tried to get a hold on pa's hair, but he had her there. No woman can get the advantage of pa in that way, 'cause ma has tried it. Well, pa explained it to the woman, and she let pa off if he would pay her two dollars for damages to her goat, and he paid it, and then we took the nanny goat, and it went right along with us.

The baby hasn't done anything but blat since the nurse coupled it onto the goat hydrant. I had to take all my playthings out of the basement to keep the goat from eating them. I guess the milk will taste of powder and singed hair now. The goat got to eating some Roman candles me and my chum had laid away in the coal bin, and chewed them around the furnace, and the powder leaked out and a coal fell out of the furnace on the hearth, and you'd a died to see pa and the hired girl and the goat. You see pa can't milk nothing but a milk wagon, and he got the hired girl to milk the goat, and they were just hunting around the basement for the goat, with a tin cup, when the fireworks went off. Well, there was balls of green and red, and blue fire, and spilled powder blazed up, and the goat just looked astonished, and looked on as though it was sorry so much good fodder was spoiled, and when its hair began to burn the goat gave one snort and went between pa and the hired girl like it was shot out of a cannon, and it knocked pa over a washboiler into a coal-bin, and the hired girl in among the kindling wood, and she crossed herself and repeated the catechism, and the goat jumped up on top of the brick furnace, and they couldn't get it down. I heard the celebration, and went down and took pa by the pants and pulled him out of the coal-bin, and he said he would surrender, and plead guilty of being the biggest fool in Milwaukee. I pulled the kindling wood off the hired girl, and then she got mad, and said she would milk that goat or die. Oh, that girl has got sand. She used to work in the glass factory. Well, sir it was a sight worth two shillings admission to see that hired girl get up on a step-ladder to milk that goat on top of the furnace, with pa sitting on a barrel of potatoes, bossing the job. They are going to fix a gang-plank to get the goat down off the furnace. The baby kicked on the milk last night. I guess beside tasting of powder and burnt hair, the milk was too warm on account of the furnace. Pa has got to grow a new lot of hair on that goat, or the woman won't take it back. She don't want no bald goat. Well, they can run the baby and goat to suit themselves, 'cause I have resigned. I have gone into business. Don't you smell anything that would lead you to surmise that I had gone into business? No drug store this time," and the boy got thumbs into the armholes of his vest and looked proud.

"Oh, I don't know as I smell anything, except the faint odor of a horse blanket. What you gone into, anyway?" and the grocery man put the wrapping paper under the counter, and put the red chalk in his pocket, so the boy couldn't write any sign to hang up outside.

"You hit it the first time. I have accepted a situation of teller in a livery stable," said the boy, as he searched around for the barrel of cut sugar, which had been removed.

"Teller in a livery stable! Well, that is a new one on me. What is a teller in a livery stable?" and the grocery man looked pleased, and pointed the boy to a barrel of seven-cent sugar.

"Don't you know what a teller is in a livery stable? It is the same as a teller in a bank. I have to grease the harness, oil the buggies, and curry off the horses, and when a man comes in to hire a horse I have to go down to the saloon and tell the livery man. That's what a teller is. I like the teller part of it, but greasing the harness is a little too rich for my blood, but the livery man says if I stick to it I will be governor some day, 'cause most all the great men have begun life taking care of horses. It all depends on my girl whether I stick or not. If she likes the smell of horses I shall be a statesman, but if she objects to it, and sticks up her nose, I shall not yearn to be governor, at the expense of my girl. It beats all, don't it, that wimmin settle every great question. Everybody does everything to please wimmin, and if they kick on anything that settles it. But I must go and umpire that game between pa and the hired girl and the goat. Say, can't you come over and see the baby? 'Tain't bigger than a small satchel." and the boy waited till the grocery man went to draw some vinegar, when he slipped out and put up a sign written on a shingle with white chalk "Yellow sand wanted for maple sugar.—Peck's Sun."