The Virginia Gazette

A PARODY, occasioned by a Review of the Common Misery of Human Kind, especially in that Part of the World called Great-Britain.

SCARCE Egypt's Land more dire Disasters knew,
Than we are daily destin'd to run thro'.
Exempli gratia, Rheumatism, Corns,
Itch, Agues, Jaundice, Jealousy, and Horns
Cramp, Gout, Stone, Cholic, Chancery-Suits for Life,
The Jilting Mistress, or the Brawling Wife;
Foul Linen, Fleas, Lice, Bugs, Domestick Spies,
False Friends, Loud Scolds, and Childrens Noisy Cries
Landlords who seize for Rent, when we've no Coin,
Sour Ale, Small Beer, False Reck'nings, and Brew'd Wine
Guzzling Church-Wardens, Overseers Rapacious,
And Trading Justices of Law Tenacious
Canters, Quack-Doctors, Pettifoggers, Punners,
Pimps, Parasites, and Usurers, and Dunners;
Tip-Staffs, Tom-Turdmen, Messengers of State,
The Pack'd-up Jury, and the Prison Grate;
Cat-calling Clerks, Pert City Prigs, and Cullies;
Gameters, Informing Constables, and Bullies;
News-mongers, Ballad-singers and Inditers,
Journalists, Chimney-sweepers, and Reciters;
Cowards, and Coxcombs, Pick-pockets, and Thieves,
Great Rogues who bribe, the Little who receives:
The Prude, Coquet, th' Insipid, and the Rattle;
Affected Airs, Chit-Chat, and Tittle-Tattle:
Hard Beds, Coarse Bread, and Houses full of Smoak,
The Statesmans Promise, the Mechanicks Joke;
The Curse of vain Dependence on the Great,
And the starv'd Poets vain Desire to eat;
Quality-Fools, and Gentry sunk to Sots,
Projectors, and Decypherers of Plots;
Illiterate Lords, and Courtiers never true,
Beaus, Bawds, Whores, Claps, and Poxes not a Few
Attorneys Clerks to Verse that make Pretence,
Half-witted Poets, Criticks without Sense.
Insipid Squires, dull Citizens, and Clowns,
Raw Inns-of-Court-Men, empty Fops, Buffoons;
Bustle of City, Pageantry of Court,
Long Gresham Lectures, and Bear-Garden Sport;
Disputes of Law, Divinity, and State,
Serjeants who bawl, and Senators who prate;
Faction, Mock-Patriots, Hypocrites, Free-Thinkers,
Atheists, Religion-Menders, bawling Tinkers;
Misguided Zeal, Enthusiastick Rage,
Farce, Pantomime, and Tumbling on the Stage;
Bull-baiting, Billingsgate, Excising, Mobbing,
Established Companies, and vile Stock-Jobbing;
Gin, Poisonous Punch, and Yard-long Bills of Taylors,
Dice, Cards, Old Women, Watchmen, Staves, and Jailors.
Gangs of Attorneys, Wreath-books of the Law,
Mere Harpies that feast with Men, like Fish, their Maw;
Bonds, Writs, First Days of Term, and Scire Facias,
Escapes, Affidavits, Precedents, and Capias;
Actions, Arrests, Mandamus, and Pleas,
Stamps, Executions, Errors, Trials, Fees;
The Habeas Corpus, and the Certiorari,
Hard Words, and harder Deeds, that only vary;
Leases, Reports, Demurrers, Special Bail,
Fee-Simple, Feoffments, Judgments, Bills of Sale:
Ecclesiastical Courts, Crown-Office, Preaching,
Arraignment, Verdicts, Sentence, and Jack-ketching,
Porters, with Coachmen, Chairmen, most uncivil,
Pawn-brokers, Bailiffs, Book-sellers, the Devil.