Wisconsin Herald, And Grant County Advertiser

[For the Herald]

The following literary recipes were furnished to the Herald by that renowned professor of gastronomy, Mons. Jetta of Beetown; who says they were prepared by the celebrated cook, Ude; and were found by him in some foreign print:

How to Cook up a Fashionable Novel.—Take a consummate puppy, M. P.'s preferable (as they are generally the softest; and don't require much pressing,) baste with self-conceit, stuff with slang, season with maudlin sentiment, hash up with a popular publisher, simmer down with preparatory advertisements. Add six reams of gilt-edged paper, grate in a thousand quills, garnish with marble covers, and morocco backs and corners. Stir up with magazine puffs, skim off sufficient for preace. Shred scraps of French and small-talk very fine. Add "superfine coats," "satin stocks," "bouquets," "opera boxes," "a duel," an elopement, St. George's Church, silver bride favors, eight footmen, four postillions, the like number of horses. a "dredger" of smiles, some filtered tears, half-mourning for a dead uncle (the better if he has a twitch in his nose.) and serve with any thing that will bear "flittering."

A Sentimental Ditto.—Take a young lady, dress her in blue ribbons, sprinkle with innocence, spring flowers, and primroses. Procure a Baronet (a Lord if in season.) if not, a depraved "younger son," trim him with carte, rouge et noir, Epsom, Derby, and a slice of Crockford's. Work up with rustic cottage, an aged father, blind mother, and little brothers and sisters in brown holland pinafores. Introduce mock abduction, strong dose of virtue and repentance. Serve up with village church, happy parent, delighted daughter, reformed rake, blissful brothers, syren sisters, and perfect denouement.

N. B. Season with prospective christening and postponed epitaph.

A Startling Romance.—Take a small boy, charity, factory, carpenter's apprentice, or otherwise, as occasion may serve, stew him well down in vice. garnish largely with oaths and flash songs. boil him in a cauldron of crime and improbabilities. Season equally with good and bad qualities, infuse petty larceny, affection, benevolence, and burglary, honor and housebreaking, amiability and arson, boil all gently. Stew down a mad mother, a gang of robbers, several pistols, a bloody knife. serve up with a couple of murders, and season with a hanging match.

N. B. Alter the ingredients to a Bible and a workhouse, the scenes may be the same, but the whole flavor of vice will be lost, and the boy will turn out a perfect pattern. Strongly recommended for weak stomachs.

An Historical Ditto.—Take a young man six feet high, mix up with a horse drawn squire from his father's estate (the broad-shouldered and loquacious are the best sort,) prepare both for potting (that is, exporting.) When abroad, introduce a well pounded Saracen, a foreign princess, stew down a couple of dwarfs and a conquered giant, fill two sauce tureens with a prodigious ransom. Garnish with garlands and dead Turks. Serve up with a royal marriage and cloth of gold.

A Narrative.—Take a distant village, follow with high-road, introduce and boil down a pedlar, gut his pack, and cut his throat, hang him up by the heels, when enough, let his brother cut him down, get both into a stew, pepper the real murderer, grill the innocent for a short time, take them off. and put delinquents in their place (these can scarce be broiled too much, and a strong fire is particularly recommended.) When real perpetrators are done, all is complete.

If the parties have been poor, serve up with mint sauce, and the name of the enriched sufferer.

Biography of Kings.—Lay in a stock of "gammon" and pennyroyal, carefully strip and pare all the tainted parts away, when this can be done without destroying the whole, wrap it up in printed paper, containing all possible virtues, baste with flattery, stuff with adulation, garnish with fictitious attributes, and a strong infusion of sycophancy.

Serve up to prepared courtiers, who have been previously well seasoned with long-received pensions or sinecures.

DRAMATIC RECIPES.

For the Theatre—very fine.—Take a beautiful and highly-accomplished young female. imbued with every virtue, but slightly addicted to bigamy! Let her stew through the first act as the bride of a condemned convict then season with a benevolent but very ignorant lover, add a marriage. Stir up with a gentleman in dusty boots and large whiskers. Dredge in a meeting, and baste with the knowledge of the dusty boot proprietor being her husband. Let this steam for some time; during which, prepare, as a covering, a pair of pistols, carefully insert the bullets, and serve hot.
Set in the head of a man of the dusty boots. Desert, a general offering of ladies' fingers! Serve up with red fire and tableaux.

For Tragedy.—Take an enormous hero, work him up with improbabilities, dress him in spangles and a long train, disguise his head as much as possible, as the great beauty of this dish is to avoid any resemblance to the 'tête de veau au naturel.' Grill him for three acts. When well worked up, add a murder or large dose of innocence (according to the palate of the guests.) Season with a strong infusion of claquers and box orders. Serve up with twelve-sheet posters, and imaginary Shaksperian announcements.

N. B. Be careful, in cooking the heroes, not to turn their backs to the front range, should you do so the dish will be spoiled.

A Domestic Dish.—Take a young woman, give her six pounds a-year, work up her father and mother into a vicious paste, bind all with an abandoned poacher, throw in a 'dust of virtue,' and a 'handful of vice.' When the poacher is about to boil over, put him into another saucepan, let him simmer for some time, and then he will turn out 'lord of the manor,' and marry the young woman. Serve up with bludgeons, handcuffs, a sentimental gaoler, and a large tureen of innocence preserved.

For a Nautical Theatre.—Take a big man with a loud voice, dress him with a pair of ducks, and, if pork is commodable, a pigtail, stuff his jaws with an imitation quid, and his mouth with a large assortment of dammes. Garnish with two broad-swords and a horn-pipe. Boil down a press-gang and six or seven smugglers, and (if in season) a bo'swain and large cat-o'-nine-tails. Sprinkle the dish with two lieutenants, four midshipmen, and about seven or eight common sailors. Serve up with a pair of epaulettes and an admiral in a white wig, silk stockings, smalls, and the Mutiny Act.