Middletown Transcript

Bungle Papers No. 3.

When the following dialogue took place, Peter was no longer a little kitchen boy, but just the reverse; he had grown to be quite a man, and possessed a snug fortune, left him by an uncle.

"Peter, where is Mr. Bungle? I've been looking for you two, this past three hours," said Mrs. Bungle, as Peter entered the room, after an absence of all day with Mr. Bungle.

"Why, Mrs. Bungle, we (that is Mr. Bungle and I,) have been over to Wilkesbarre and had a good old time. Mr. Bungle is merry as can be; went in the hotel, got on top of the tables, and walked up and down, kicking off every dish, plate, cups and saucers, and having a general smash up; then, to top everything off, he has had them all to pay for."

"You don't say so!" exclaimed Mrs. Bungle, throwing up her hands and falling back on the sofa. "Here he belongs to the Good Templars and they meet to-night. What am I to do! what shall I tell them!—but they will know it. what's to hinder them now? Here I've been trying to keep, it from them all this time. So much for going in a hotel when a member of church. I never like to see it At first they "'only go to the door to talk with some old friends," but after while they get inside, the next thing, they are "only standing at the bar,": again, ''only laying on top of it talking," but before you know it, something "slips down their throat," then it's all up. However, you may be sure they take some on the sly, just as he did, and he has gone and done it."

Peter was a great one to joke, and played them off on any one that came along. Dr. Shackleback, being a favorite, was a good subject for his pranks. Dr. S. was the happy possessor of a horse and shay, and being anxious to make a display of his horse's speed, was a subject of much merriment for the young men and boys.

"Dr. Shackleback, what would you take for Chainey? I want to make a bargain, 'deed I'm in earnest; she's the handsomest hoss I've seen lately. beautifully trimmed, and so fat, too. Come Doctor, name your price."

"Why Peter, an ignoramous like you could never drive a horse like Chainey, for when she gets a little vexed, she kicks with all four of her feet at once."

"Dr. Shackleback, I must have Chainey at all hazards. Why I could never do without Chainey. Chainey Ah! Dr. Shackleback, where did you find such a beautiful name for her? I hunted all the dictionaries over for it. no doubt," said Peter, standing with his hat pushed back, and hands thrust into his pockets, closely examining the object before them.

Chainey was an old horse of about twenty summers, and could boast of more points than any in the neighborhood, and being well bobbed. Peter would when ever within ear-shot of the Doctor, "Chainey was the handsomest trimmed and finest pointed hoss that came to town."

"Peter. clear out with your foolishness and don't bother me about Chainey," replied the enraged Physician, turning his back on Peter.

"Well, now, Dr. Shackleback—and by the way, that is a beautiful name too—you can't refuse a man in that way. As I have said before, I must have Chainey. She is trimmed to perfection. Ah! that bob is perfect. Who did you get to perform such wonders. Doctor? Would that I was blessed with the knowledge of trimmin' hosses." said Peter, facing the Doctor, at the same time scratching his head and rolling his eyes back in their sockets.

"Peter, can't you behave yourself, you flabbergasted ignominious, no-sensed jack, and let my Chainey alone?" replied the physician panting with rage.

"Doctor, I've heard that Chainey was a mighty fast trotter; she could beat everything at Wilkesbarre some time ago—why boys, she trotted a mile outside of two-forty. Do you know of any that could beat her?" said Peter, addressing a crowd of boys and young men that had gathered to hear what he had to say.

A short time after this, Peter happening to spy the Old Doctor, jogging leisurely along in his old shay, with Chainey, up the street, sang out at the top of his voice :

"Old Dr. Shackleback and old Miss Day,
Went out ridin' in his old shay;
The shay was broke and Chainey was blind,
Shackleback and Day, came shackling out behind."

Now, Miss Day was a spinster of fifty, I'll not say more; if I don't think that I would be out of the way in the least, and Dr. S. being an old bachelor of sixty, their names were very often coupled; this infuriated one as much as the other and that was by no means small.

They used to ride out very often in the shay, until Chainey, after a monstrerous sight of whipping, ran away and left the contents in the road: and the above is a song the boys and young men use to greet the Old Doctor with.

"Wo—ho—ho—here," shouted the Doctor at the top of his. voice, at the same time pulling the reins and leaning back in his shay. "What is that you say, boy?"

"Good morning, Dr. Shackleback, were you speaking to me?" said Peter, bowing very low.

"Never mind your good morning What was that you was singing about me?"

"The only thing that I sang, was "Old Aunt Tucker and Old Miss May, Went out ridin'in a one-hoss shay But that of course, does not interest you."

"Don't tell me a story, boy; always speak the truth. Do you remember what Deacon Banghard said last Sabbath, about the man and wife in the Bible that fell dead for telling a lie?" said the doctor, who had a very strong sense of truth-telling and set the example, if he did go to see Miss Day only seven nights out of the week and then stoutly denied it.

"Don't you think it strange that he did not look for every one to pattern after him ?"

By this time, Polly, no longer the maid, of all work, for Mrs. Bungle, was known throughout Hillside as Miss Mollie Pitcher. She had quite a number of beaus; this caused poor Peter a great deal of distress, because he had always looked upon Mollie as being his; although he had never spoken a word to her on that subject, he took it for granted that she understood all of his motives and heart-bumpings, and they were by no means few.

At last, the two, after a round about way, came to an understanding. I am sorry that I cannot give you an account of their courtship, but knowing nothing about that branch of business, and as little about the way they conducted it, will simply say, Miss Mollie P. soon became Mrs. Catcher.

Soon after their marriage, poor old Mr. Bungle breathed his last. He left Mrs. Bungle penniless, and without a home, everything being sold for a liquor bill. "So much for intemperance," said Mrs. Bungle. "Here he has died and left me without a cent, just like him."

"Mrs. Hubbub, well, did you ever? to think we thought the Bungles were rich, and here he has died and not left poor Mrs. Bungle a cent."

"Gracious me! Well I never heard the like! Poor Mrs. Bungle, what will she do now, Mrs. Whackentackle?"

"Ah! The All-seeing alone knows! But I have heard." she added, lowering her voice and bending closer to Mrs. Hubbub—"that Mr. and Mrs. Catcher will take her home with them, after all her ill treatment to them. Do you mind the Sunday they came to church dressed in Mr. and Mrs. Bungle's old clothes? Well, I liked to a' laughed right out. I am not worldly, thank the Lord, but it did 'muse me a little. You know, Mrs. Hubbub, I never pretended to dress stylish or keep up with the fashion like Mrs. Bungle."

"Oh! no indeed! You are a very pious, christian woman, Mrs. Whackentackle. You know Mrs. Bungle always dressed on the very pinnacle, and considered herself a superfrosticle person, but the One above us all forbid that you or I should do so; and do you remember when we got our silk dresses, how mad she was? I, for my part, was glad that we took her down for once."

"Ha! ha!" replied Mrs. W.—"and do you mind she sent word to us, that she was sick? Ah! such worldliness never comes to any good! Just see how she used to talk about people at their backs. The good Lord forbid that I should ever do so, Mrs. Hubbub."

"Ah! and I too, Mrs. Whackentackle, but no danger of us talking about our neighbors."

Two years passed in quietness and Mrs. Bungle laid aside her widow's weeds and black cap for something gay. Notwithstanding the trouble Mr. Bungle had given her, she was willing to take a second. She already had a beau, an old widower, who had recently moved to Hillside, by the name of Mr. Musterdash. There was also an old rooster, owned by a next door neighbor, that Mr. and Mrs. C. used to call Musterdash, after Mrs. Bungle's beau.

One day, Peter spied rooster M.. standing on the front step; going in the back way, he called to Mrs. B.: "Mrs. Bungle! Mrs. Bungle! why don't you go to the door? Mr. Musterdash is standing, waiting for you."

Soon as Mrs. B. heard the name, she ran to the mirror to rearrange her cap and ribbons, then started to the door, saying all the while, in a tone audible to Peter, who was listening at the sitting room door "I wonder if he will propose now? Laws knows it is time. Here I've been a widow for two long years, and one of them he has been courting me. Reaching the door, a fine crowing greeted her ears. "Ah!" she said, "it is always a good sign for a chicken to crow." But judge of her astonishment on reaching the door, to find only her neighbor's chanticleer, strutting in all of his dignity before her. while a hearty "ha! ha! ha!" greeted her from Peter.

LILLIE BELL.

[THE END.]