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Alexandria, Virginia
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Satirical commentary from the United States Gazette on impending US conflict with Canada, likening military orders to absurd instructions given to Claiborne in Florida and Harrison against the Wabash Prophet, culminating in a quote from Shakespeare's Dogberry on ineffective watch duties.
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From the latest proceedings in Congress it would seem that we are again just upon the verge of a bloody conflict; and, judging from present appearances, orders from the war department will shortly be made out, in due form, for taking possession of Upper and Lower Canada. One short year has hardly elapsed since our conquering arms were carried into Florida under the auspices of the redoubtable Claiborne, who was ordered to raise the whole military force of the adjoining territories, and in the name of the U. States to take possession of the country, prostrating before him all opposition, unless, indeed, he should chance to find any place in the actual possession of an armed force, "however small," in which case he was ordered on no account to attack; but to give immediate information of the fact to the head of the war department.-- More recently the course of conquest has taken a westerly direction, and it has been said, in some of the democratic papers, that Governor Harrison's orders for conducting the war against the prophet of the Wabash, were not unlike those of Governor Claiborne --namely, that he was to conquer Indians and Indian countries without mercy, and without bounds, provided he met with no opposition: but, in that event, to commence negotiations & wait for further orders. Whether this be true we know not; nor do we pretend to be acquainted with the plan which may have been matured for the conquest of Canada. We know, however, what were Dogberry's instructions to the watchmen, as recorded by Shakspeare, in "Much Ado about Nothing;" and as they may prove useful in the present critical crisis of affairs. we will subjoin an extract from them, for the benefit of those concerned.
Dogberry [to the constable of the watch.] You are thought here to be the most senseless & fit man for the constable of the watch: therefore bear you the lanthorn. This is your charge: You shall comprehend all vagrom men; you are to bid any man to stand in the prince's name.
Watch. How if he will not stand?
Dogb. Why then, take no note of him, but let him go; and presently call the rest of the watch together, and thank God you are rid of a knave. You are to call at all the ale houses and bid them that are drink get them to bed.
Watch. How if they will not?
Dogb. Why then, let them alone till they are sober, and if they make you not then the better answer: you may say, they are not the men you took them for.
Watch. Well, sir.
Dogb. If you meet a thief, you may suspect him, by virtue of your office, to be no true man, and, for such kind of men, the less you meddle or make with them, why, the more is for your honesty.
Watch. If we know him to be a thief, shall we not lay hands on him?
Dogb. Truly, by your office you may; but I think, they that touch pitch will be defiled. The most peaceable way for you, if you do take a thief, is, to let him show himself what he is, and steal out of your company. This is the end of the charge--Good night: and there be any matter of weight chances, call up me; keep your fellows' counsels & your own, and good night.
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Location
Upper And Lower Canada, Florida, Wabash
Event Date
One Short Year Ago
Story Details
Satirical piece on US preparations for war with Canada, referencing Claiborne's cautious orders in Florida and similar for Harrison against Indians, ending with Dogberry's absurd instructions from Shakespeare as parody.