The Daily News Of The Virgin Islands

Advice to the Lovelorn
By Beatrice Fairfax
Authority on Problems of Love & Marriage

Dear Beatrice Fairfax:
Four years ago, when my daughter was only 17 years old, she ran away with a boy who was in high school with her and they got married.
Two years later she left him, because she said she didn't want to be tied down at her age but wanted to be free to have fun with other young people and shortly after they were divorced.
That was only a year ago, yet now she's talking about marriage again and this time, to my utter horror, she tells me that the man she thinks she's in love with and is determined to marry is an alcoholic.
She says he's promised to give up drinking entirely after they're married and I tell her that if he were the right sort of fellow he'd show her that he really has the will power to do this by doing it before they set a wedding date.
I'm dreadfully upset, not only because I feel she's certainly chosen the wrong man but also because I don't think the time has come yet when she knows what she wants in marriage and if she does marry this fellow she may stay with him no longer than she did with the first one.
Of course I've talked and I talked to her and tried to make her see she should wait awhile longer before marrying anyone and that she'd probably find herself with a terrible problem if she goes ahead and marries this one, but she won't listen.
My husband says we should have nothing to do with her if she won't take any advice from us, but I don't think I could do that.
Do you think he's right in saying that to let her go her own way is the only way she'll ever learn anything?
Distracted Mother.

Dear Distracted Mother:
Frankly, I don't think talking to this daughter of yours is going to have any effect on her whatever at this time - except, perhaps, to make her more determined to 'do as she pleases.'
But neither do I believe that for your husband and yourself to shut her out of your lives will bring about the desired result, either.
Actually, I'm afraid the unhappy fact is that there's just nothing you can do right now but to let her know that you love her and have no intention of abandoning her even though if she marries this man she'll be breaking your heart.
I certainly agree with you that she's far from ready for another marriage, since it's obvious that she's no more mature now than she was at 17.
If she were, she would never pick out for a second husband the type of fellow you describe.
However, if you can make her see that if this fellow is really sincere about conquering his alcoholism and has basic qualities that would enable him to do it he wouldn't wait until after marriage but would bring about the change in advance of it, that might achieve a desirable result.
For being the immature thinker she is, and inclined toward hasty action, it's very likely that she'd soon decide she didn't want to marry the young man anyhow.