The Prison Mirror

MERRY MINUTES
By Mr. O. E. F.

With a few rare exceptions we are going to wish the All-Americans all an All-American Christmas, and--but no hurry about New Years; we'll wait and see what we find in our socks first. You know it's better to be a little leary now than a big lapus in time to come.

We hope every one did their Christmas hocking early so's to supply them with money with which to buy things. It's no joke to be broke this time of the year. But better broke than cracked, eh Charley?

We'd feel so enchanted on Christmas to hear the rich and beautiful tolling of Christmas bells if it weren't for knowing how ravenously the village belles take their toll on Christmas! We admit, no we willingly state, that E. F. S.'s "Voices of Silence" was a remarkable little script. It was so forcefully and conscientiously put that while roving an appreciative eye and a receptive mind over it we were transported to an atmosphere or state of mind in which these inexplicably beautiful, soothing and directing Voices communed with us with eloquence. He holds a precious asset who can discriminate between the good and bad Voices and do as bid the good. Darn those teeny-weeny bad little voices that go peep-peeping about evil and treachery! We'll knock 'em for a cocked hat!

We got a missive from a little lady in Miami, it was a gincouraging little note. Want to know what was in it? I s'pose. All right, we'll tell you some of it: "Dear Mr. Minute Man, if you could but 'lamp' us you should, we know, gladly sprawl out at our feet and die for me.--Fern." We answered: Yes Fern, that's all right with us, only first we've got a little dying to do for the ol' girl which we know she'll appreciate. Your turn comes next-gosh don't crowd us so! We are far behind with our affairs now!

Mr. G. W. says that our Minutes aren't so worse; and that we have "it." Yes, we have; and we're serving "it" too. We doubt the sincerity of his statement. We have a suspicion that he is just sniffing around for our Christmas order. We'll fool him! "What these columns need is wit and humor, and we'll bet he (we) can uncork a gang of good laughs," he says. All right, and we'll shake these jokes well before uncorking-we like to see the fizz fly. Now we don't want people to laugh at our jokes unless they absolutely have to. They who are tickled laugh best: knowing this we asked the Editor to send along a feather with each week's Minutes. He said: "No, they might unintentionally take those ticklers along to church, think of the Minutes, and forgetting that they are in church, laugh out loud just as the preacher explains how evil they are." But listen children in that case, or if ever you think you might burst out laughing in church, try to remember that soon the collection will be taken up. That will sober you up wonderfully, and wipe every smile off your face! Which reminds us of a good joke on--but you can decide on whom.

Three years before the Coolidge "Choosleness" we submitted a love story to Sears, Roebuck & Co. We think Sears was then Editor. Well, he bought it (hee hee-we'll split laughing) but requested us to expurgate (ha, ha, ha) some of the part wherein we explained exactly how the hero desired his potatoes (ho, ho, ho) cooked-hee, hee, hee! Sears got it back with the following explanation: "Sir, the paragraph on how the hero desired his spuds cooked is indispensable to the story. Let us relate a little incident to convince you of its import--hee, hee, hee!: Once (hee, hee, hee!) at a state fair, on a windy day, at about noon, while the dust was swirling terribly, Lud (my pal) and I entered a (hee, hee, hee!) church eating-house. I seated myself at a table immediately on entering; but Lud first repaired to the wash-room to tidy up--heh, heh, heh! When Lud had taken (hee, hee) his place beside me, the waiter had already served my order-with spuds. Lud, glancing at my plate, (hee, hee, hee!) noticed it sprinkled with (haw, haw, haw!) that unavoidable dust; upon which Lud barked his reply to the waiter: "I like my spuds dug!" Ha-Ha-Ha! Hee-hee-hee-O dear -- ho-ho-haw -- Merry Christmas--I say--hee, hee. hee! Sears was so tickled he dropped the price of night-gowns two bits--ho, ho, ho!!

P. S.--If you can spin a good story you can get by with murder--so long as you don't kill anybody! We were only kidding you about Fern's letter.