Wisconsin Herald

Greasing a Horse.
The Dayton (Ohio) Transcript tells the following of Mr. Wickware, the present superintendent of the National House in that city :—
Several years ago he kept a crack hotel, in Rockford, New York, which was famed far and wide for its neat arrangements, comfortable accommodations, and the obliging urbanity and hospitality of its host. Mr. Wickware made it a settled point to furnish his guests with everything they called for, if it was within the compass of his ability to procure it, and to comply with all their requests, however unreasonable they might be—taking special care, nevertheless, to put the several items on the bill with great exactness, and charge for them accordingly.
The queerest customer he was called upon to accommodate during his "publican reign," in that place, and the one who excited most interest and attention, and was longest remembered in the village, on account of his singular eccentricities, was a droll, odd looking Yankee. He drove up in front of the hotel in a buggy one evening, and reined up in the middle of the street. He was a tall, awkward looking fellow, grotesquely dressed, and exhibiting every indication of a raw mountaineer. He had a splendid horse and buggy—but the only thing in his "personale" that militated in any degree against his general appearance of verdancy, was the possession of a small grey twinkling eye—so full of comical humor and drollery that one could hardly suppress a hearty laugh when looking at it.
After leaning backwards and forwards, sitting stiff and bolt upright, turning round surveying the appearance of the village, looking up at the belfry, and minutely scrutinizing the hotel, by which eccentric movements he excited general attention, he called out at the top of his voice—
"Landlord! landlord, I say! come here!"
Mine host appearing, he resumed—
"see here, sir, I wish you to pay particular attention to what I say. I have travelled fifteen hundred miles straight ahead—have seen all sorts of sights—met with all sorts of incidents, and been in all sorts of places. But there is one thing I greatly desire, and have sought in vain to find—that is, a landlord that will give every thing I ask for without troubling himself as to my reasons or vexing me with impertinent curiosity."
"Most certainly," exclaimed mine host, "we always make it a point to comply with the wants of our guests to the utmost extent."
"Well, sir," said the Yankee, "you may consider me your guest for a week. But, mind the conditions—if you break them, I'm off like a flash. And to begin—in the first place, you see that horse of mine? He is a noble animal. And this buggy? It can't be beaten.—I wish them both well taken care of. I want to have you attend to them in person, while I overlook you and give you the necessary directions. My horse is a queer horse, sir, and requires to be treated in a different style from other horses. In the first place you will ungear him and grease him! Yes, sir, grease him! all over, thoroughly and effectually—and then grease my buggy in the same manner. Recollect, it must be done well. Before you commence operations, however, we will have something to take."
The eccentric Yankee having dismounted and entered the hotel, forthwith called for a basket of champagne, and his singular movements and novel address to the landlord having collected a large crowd about the house, he invited them all to drink. The corks flew from the bottles in rapid succession, and many a one gratified his palate with champagne for once. As a matter of course he soon became very popular, and in a few minutes was the lion of the village.
Mine host in the meantime having melted a large bucket full of hogs lard, proceeded to the stable in company with the Yankee, to perform the unctious ablution upon the horse and buggy. Having divested himself of his coat, and rolled up his sleeves he proceeded to administer the oily coat upon the charger, while the Yankee stood by and gave the directions in brief sentences, as—
"Put some more on his tail, sir—now under his belly—rub more in his chine—grease his ears well—now his legs—his hoofs and his nose—pour it over his shoulders—on his neck—on his forehead—under his jaws—his mane and foretop are not yet sufficiently greased—apply it plentifully," &c., all of which orders were scrupulously executed, and the horse received a most bountiful oleaginous coat, which gave him pretty much the appearance of a drowned rat. The same operation was performed on the buggy, and the greasy substance was besmeared all over it, not excepting even the seat, which received a double coat.
During the few days the Yankee remained at the hotel, he was the soul of the village, and the only topic of conversation. He was full of fun—lived high—bought basket after basket of champagne—had free suppers and treated every man who would partake—mine host making it a point to humor him in all his demands.
Previous to his departure, he again ordered his horse and buggy to be greased, and the same ludicrous operation was again performed. He then demanded his bill.
Mine host blandly informed him that, as he was a pretty clever fellow, he would not charge him anything for the little extras of champagne, suppers, &c., which he had received. He would only charge him for the extraordinary personal service rendered.
He then handed him the following :
MR. Yankee Doodle Dr.
To greasing horse and buggy, $250.00
" 66 250.00
$500.00
Rec'd payment. H. S. WICKWARE.
"I never grease a horse and buggy for less than $250," said he, "and I have greased yours twice—your bill is just five hundred dollars."
"Good for you, landlord," said the Yankee. "I admire your consciousness and generosity. I admit you are into me about half a cent. But it's all right. You are the only landlord of the proper stamp in the whole country, and I shall take occasion to make it generally known."
He then mounted his greasy vehicle—slid to and fro once or twice to see that the seat was sufficiently slippery, and exclaimed—
"Landlord! this is most glorious! I am now prepared to take the Sabine shute—good bye—Go!" and away he went, and was out of sight before the astonished landlord had sufficiently recovered from his surprise to discover that he had been most essentially diddled.
Mine host learned afterwards that the eccentric genius was the son of a wealthy Bostonian. He had recently graduated at Harvard University, and was just returning home, after having made a tour over the American continent alone. Our friend, the landlord, however, ever afterwards declined greasing horses at any price.