National Gazette

For the NATIONAL GAZETTE.

Mr. Freneau.

I HAVE been one of the most fortunate adventurers in the lottery of politics, and yet I do not enjoy the happiness I anticipated. My case is this. Not possessed of great wealth, and craving an immunity, I set out in the government with a resolution to make a fortune. My whole soul was devoted to that object. Money was never out of my thoughts by day, and I dreamed of it by night. I boggled at no servility, no drudgery, public or private, that might forward my design. With the smiles of fortune and the help of friends, I succeeded beyond my hopes. Previous to the introduction of the funding system, I got hold of a clue that in the labyrinths of that business was worth to me no less than forty thousand dollars. The Assumption was near making me as rich as Croesus; never were better plans laid, or executed by abler members of the craft: but our profits were sadly frittered down by some untoward accidents. Perhaps I may be induced, some day or other, to entertain the public with the curious history of them. My share of the enterprize added, notwithstanding, five and twenty thousand dollars to my stock in speculation. When the bank came on, you may be sure I did not fail to play my part both behind and before the scenes. For certain reasons, I do not now say how much I made by well timed operations, in the exclusive six per cents, afterwards in the inclusive three per cents, & then in that notable and delectable commodity, scrip. It is equally endless to descend into some subsequent transactions, still connected with the bank, which time may explain. Suffice it to say, in one word, that I am now what I resolved to be-rich; & yet, as I observed above, I am not happy. Don't imagine, however, that my disappointment proceeds from any remorse at the ways and means whereby I have accomplished my purpose. Thanks to my stars, I feel nothing of that kind, having cast off all such vulgar prejudices as fast as I got acquainted with the world, and rose to a higher sphere in it.-No, sir, my wretchedness flows from quite another source. I fear, from what has got abroad, and the uses made of it, that all of us who have been so prudent in our public stations as to take care of the main chance, are to be eternally kept in hot, or more properly speaking, in boiling water, by a set of low wretches, who had not the same genius or spirit to do as we did, and endeavour now to set themselves off in the eyes of the people by painting our little liberties in money matters, in all the horrible colours their malicious patriotism can invent. They have raised as great a hue and cry against us as if we had been guilty of robbery or murder, whereas the worst that could be charged on us is only breach of trust, or fraud.

Now, Sir, is it not hard, cruel hard, thus to have the golden cup of our felicity dashed with poison, with gall, before we could
Apply ice to our lips; thus to taste not a moment of comfort or repose on the summit of our wishes, where we have arrived thro' many dark, foul, and crooked ways!—

For my part, I am ready to die of vexation— What makes our condition the more intolerable is, that all our attempts to extricate ourselves have but multiplied our perplexities, and swelled the triumphant joy of our unrelenting enemies. We have sworn that we are all as innocent as babes, as pure as angels. Not a soul will believe us. We have worn out every abusive epithet in the language, on the republican faction that makes this barbarous war on our quiet; all to no other purpose than that of disgracing poor Fenno's Gazette, ruining its distant circulation from the seat of government, and finally obliging him to throw himself on the mercy of the British and tory interest in Philadelphia to preserve a Grub-street existence in the evening of his days. This is but a bad return for his drudgeries in our service. We have spared no pains, left untried no artifice to blend our fate with the cause of the government, by solemnly assuring the people that the attacks on us are all levelled at the government, which is to be assassinated thro' our sides. Judge of our mortification when we hear one reader observing, that the government is to be distinguished from the administration: this endeavour to confound them has a very suspicious appearance; "the best way (says another) to preserve the government against danger is to purge it of abuses."—A third, archly sneering, exclaims "modest fellows these, indeed, to be upbraiding others with disaffection to our free government, when 'tis no secret that they are itching for a king and nobility, and are leagued in their hearts and their hopes with those crowned despots who are drenching millions of innocent people in blood in revenge for the death of one guilty monarch; who have waged eternal war against the republic of France, and will never be at ease till liberty is banished from the face of the earth."

Such, M. Freneau, is the miserable plight and condition in which we find ourselves, and such the gloomy prospect that is before us. Before we abandon ourselves to final despair, it has been judged proper, after due and deliberate consultation, to make one essay more for our relief. You will perhaps be surprised to learn, but it is not the less true, that you—yes, you—Philip Freneau, Editor of the National Gazette, strange as it may appear, have become the pivot on which our only surviving hopes now turn. Permit me to explain myself. First and foremost, it is well known, and to none better than yourself, that our misfortunes are in a very high degree to be charged to the freedom of your press. It has been a torch that has kindled the rage of the people against us, by enlightening their reason. This consideration it was, that occasioned the ill-fated attack on your paper last year, which like all our other blundering schemes, had effects diametrically opposite to the intention. It recommended and extended the circulation of your paper, brought into full lustre the character of a person whose name is as obnoxious to us as republicanism itself, and confirmed the suspicion, too prevalent before, against the views of our party. I have premised this confession, sir, to the end that the candor of it may obtain your forgiveness of the past, satisfy you entirely of the sincerity and good faith with which I address myself to you in relation to the future.

I now proceed, without further preface or apology, to submit to you in explicit terms, that in as much as you have been very instrumental in ruining our cause, and can therefore best contribute to retrieve it, the following arrangement & compact shall be understood to be in force, and shall be carried into effect as soon as circumstances will permit. On your part you are to consider yourself as forever turned over from the republican or patriotic interest, which you have hitherto supported, into the party which is labouring to undermine our present free constitution, to break our connection with the republic of France, to bring about an intimate union with the monarchy of Great Britain, & finally to introduce, by the aid of her example, her influence her money, and, if requisite, her arms, a government of king, lords, and commons; and you are to vary and change the contents, complexion, tenor, and tendency of the National Gazette so as to promote this happy revolution in the public affairs of the United States as expeditiously and efficaciously as may be. Our expectations from you herein cannot be better conveyed than by referring you to the Gazette of the United States, published by John Fenno, and observing that yours is to inculcate the like anti-republican doctrines, exhibit the like misrepresentations of facts, and propagate the like calumnies as have distinguished his far-famed miscellany: At the same time that we doubt not your originality, inventive genius will easily avoid the dullness, repetitions, and palpable blunders which have in a great measure defeated his laudable intentions and zeal.

In requital for these great and momentous services, you are to receive the following compensations, conditions, and advantages over and above such contingent profits and perquisites as you may derive from the use and management of your press. First, you will be admitted to discounts at the banks, to such amount, at such times, and with such renewals, as you may choose, all which will be covered under the most perfect secrecy. 2. You will be let into such secrets respecting the rise and fall of Bank stock as, with the aid of your discounting privilege, will soon enable you to become a member of the bank and a partner in its profits. 3. As supplies of cash flow into your pockets thro' these channels, you will be enabled to make further progress to wealth, by means of certain optical helps for discovering the approaching ebbs and floods of the six per cents, the three per cents, and the deferred debt, which are hid from profane eyes. 4. You shall share handsomely with the Editor of the Gazette of the United States in the emoluments he draws from the patronage of the several departments of the government, which prefer his monarchical and Anglican press for all their printing business and official publications. There will doubtless be many other little douceurs and gratifications slipping into your hands from time to time, but as they are not meant to be included in the contract, but rather to be merited by your special zeal and exertions, they are not here enumerated.

These terms, you must allow, Sir, are fair and generous; and consequently whether they be accepted or rejected, no offence we hope will be taken at them.— None, you may be sure, is intended. We proceed upon the maxim borrowed from the only wise and well balanced government in the world, and very little belied by our own experience, that every man has his price. We have concluded, therefore, that you have yours. If any other modification of that we offer could make it more palatable, it can easily be settled —We well know the importance to some stomachs, of form and disguise in the doses administered. Particular persons would spit a naked bribe back into your face, who would swallow it, without a qualm, when put into the shape of an accommodation, and honeyed over with professions of friendship. But this is always a mark of weakness. As the world grows more enlightened, unmeaning distinctions lose their force with men of sense and judgment. I flatter myself therefore, that the proposed arrangement, if in substance approved will not be impeded by any vulgar or pusillanimous scruples, on your part, and that a speedy as well as a favourable answer will be transmitted to, Sir,

Your respectful
and well disposed servant

TANTALUS.

P. S. I omitted to mention, that as poetical fame may, possibly, have more charms for you than money, all the critics who have been so furiously biting, or if you please, barking at you, stand ready on your complying with the above proposal, not only to recant every word they have said against you, but to make proclamation to all the world, either in prose or verse, as may be desired, that Apollo has presented you with his own lyre, that the voice of the muses is in every note you sing, that you dwell on the very pinnacle of Parnassus, and that when you are disposed to make an excursion on Pegasus there is not a single poet, ancient or modern, who is fit to hold the stirrup to you. I can give you this assurance on the best authority, as having it from a quarter that can tell much better what those worthy gentlemen will do, than they can themselves.

July 10, 1793,
T.