Kentucky Gazette

MISCELLANY.

THE BATCHELOR'S THERMOMETER

Etatis 30.--Looked back through a vista ten years; remember that, at twenty, I looked upon a man of thirty as a middle aged man; wondered at my error, and protracted the middle age to forty. Said to myself, "forty is the age of wisdom." Reflected generally upon past life; wished myself twenty again, and exclaimed, "If I were but twenty what a scholar I would be by thirty! but it's too late now. Looked in the glass; still youthful, but getting rather fat. Young says, "a fool at forty is a fool indeed;" forty, therefore, must be the age of wisdom.

31. Read in the Morning Chronicle, that a watchmaker, in Paris, aged thirty-one, had shot himself for love. More fool the watchmaker! Agreed that nobody fell into love after twenty. Quoted Sterne. "The expression of 'fall in love' evidently shows love to be beneath a man." Went to Drury Lane; saw Miss Crotch in Rosetta, and fell in love with her. Received her ultimatum; none but matrimonials need apply. Was three months making up my mind. (a long time for making up such a little parcel) when Kitty Crotch eloped with Earl Buskirk; pretended to be very glad. Took three turns up and down library, and looked in the glass. Getting rather fat and florid. Met a friend in Gray's Inn, who said I was evidently in rude health. Thought the compliment ruder than the health.

33. Hair thinner. Serious thoughts of a wig. Met Colonel Buckhorse, who wears one. Devil in a bush. Serious thoughts of letting it alone. Met a fellow Etonian in the Green Park, who told me I wore well : wondered what he could mean. Gave up cricket club, on account of the air about Paddington; could not run it without being out of breath.

34. Measured for a new coat. Tailor proposed fresh measure, hinting something about bulk. Old measure too short : parchment shrinks. Shortened my morning ride to Hampstead and Highgate, and wondered what people could see at Hendon. Determined not to marry; means expensive and dubious. Counted eighteen bald heads in the pit at the Opera.

So much the better;--the more the merrier.

35. Tried on an old great coat, and found it an old little one: cloth shrinks as well as parchment. Red face in putting on shoes. Bought a shoe horn. Remember quizzing my uncle George for using one; then young and foolish. Hunting belts for gentlemen hung up in glover's windows. Longed to buy one, but two women in shop cheapening mittens. Three grey hairs in left eye brow.

36. Several grey hairs in whiskers all owing to carelessness in manufactory of shaving soap. Remember thinking my father an old man at thirty-six. Settled the point! Men grew old sooner in former days. Laid blame upon flapped waistcoats and tie wigs. Skated on the Serpentine. Gout. Very foolish exercise, only fit for boys. Gave skates to Charles oldest son.

37. Fell in love again. Rather pleased to find myself not too old for the passion. Emma only nineteen. What then? women require protectors; day settled; devilishly frightened; too late to get off. Luckily jilted. Emma married George Parker one day before me. Again determined never to marry. Turned off old tailor, and took to new one in Bond Street. Some of those fellows make a man look ten years younger. Not that that was the reason.

40. Look back 10 years. Remember at 30, thinking 40 a middle-aged man.—Must have meant 50. Fifty certainly, the age of wisdom. Determined to be wise in 10 years. Wished to learn music and Italian. Tried Logier.—Twould not do. No defect of capacity, but those things should be learned in childhood.

41. New furnished chambers. Looked in new glasses; one chin too much. Looked in other new glass; chin still double. Art of glass-making on the decline. Sold my horse, and wondered people could find any pleasure in being pumped. What were legs made for?

42. Gout again: that disease certainly attacks young people more than formerly.—Caught myself at a rubber of whist, and blushed. Tried my hand at original composition, and found a hankering after epigram and satire. Wondered if I could ever write love sonnets. Imitated Horace's Ode "Nescit ancella." Did not mean any thing serious, though Susan certainly civil and attentive,

43. Bought a hunting belt. Braced myself until ready to burst. Young men now-a-days, much too small in the waist. Read in Morning Post an advertisement, "Pills to prevent Corpulency;" bought a box. Never the slimmer, though much the sicker.

44. Met Fanny Stapleton, now Mrs. Meadows, at Bullock's Museum. Twenty-five years ago wanted to marry her. What an escape! Women certainly age much sooner than men.

Charles's eldest boy began to think himself a man. Starched cravat and a cane. What presumption! At his age I was a child.

45. A few wrinkles about the eyes, commonly called crow's feet. Must have caught cold. Began to talk politics, and shirk the drawing-room. Eulogized Garrick; saw nothing in Kean. Talked of Lord North. Wondered at the licentiousness of the modern press. Why can't people be civil, like Junius and John Wilkes in the good old times?

46. Rather on the decline, but still handsome and interesting. Growing dislike to the company of young men; all of them talk too much or too little. Thought the money expended on Waterloo bridge might be better employed. Listened to a howl from Captain Querulous, about family expenses, price of bread and butcher's meat. Did not care a jot if bread was a shilling a roll, and butcher's meat fifty pounds a calf. Hugged myself in "single blessedness," and wished Noah a good voyage.

47. Top of head quite bald. Pleaded Lord Grey in justification. Shook it off, reflecting that I was but three years removed from the Age of Wisdom. Teeth sound, but not so white as heretofore. Something the matter with the dentifrice. Began to be cautious in chronology. Bad thing to remember too far back. Had serious thoughts of not remembering Miss Farren.

48. Quite settled not to remember Miss Farren. Told Laura Wills and Palmer, who died when I was nineteen, certainly did not look forty-eight.

49. Resolution never to marry but for money or rank.

50. Age of wisdom. Married my cook.—Grimm's Ghost.