The Virginia Gazette

ESSAY ON FLATTERY.

THE first Impressions, I have been told, are the deepest. I find they are not effaced at forty. How the distant Scene rises to my retrospective View! Not to be tedious, my Nurse first taught me to flatter. The poor old Woman never attempted to wash my Face, or to comb my Hair, without the soothing Expression of, "There's a Dear; let me wash its pretty Face." "There's a sweet Creature." And numberless other endearing Phrases, to the like Purpose. When I grew a little older, I still perceived that I never was ordered to do any Thing without a little Bit of Flattery tacked to the Command. My School Mistress bid me say, A by itself A, and always added, "There's a good Boy." My Father, my Mother, my Relations, all addressed me in the same Style. My aged Grandfather too, how well I remember the hoary Sage! whilst I was innocently asking him why he shook his Head always, would often put his Hand in his Pocket, and give me a Penny, because I was a brave Boy. These Praises, though they were only Words of Course, as I since learned, then gave me great Pleasure; and I found myself always disposed to love the Person that bestowed them on me. I was artful; I thought I might rule others by the same Means by which others ruled me, nor was I deceived in the Sequel. However, I had not then many Opportunities to try the Experiment.

I had an Aunt, whose ill Fortune it was not to be able to get a Husband; and therefore, as is usual, she was called an old Maid before Time had made her an old Woman. Old Maids seldom despair till they have arrived at their grand Climacterick. Hence we often see Ladies of fifty in the Garb of sixteen. My Aunt was one of these. It happened one Day, while I was playing near her Toilette, and she was repairing the Depredations which Nature had made in her Face by the Help of Art, that I unmeaningly (it certainly must have been unmeaningly) cried out "Law, Aunty, what a pretty Nose you have got! your Hand is whiter than mine." I had no sooner uttered these Words than she snatched me up in her Arms, and almost stifled me with Kisses. Every Day after that lucky Moment she continued to show me new Marks of her Affection, spoke well of me, and was continually saying that I made sensible Remarks, much above my Years. I was astonished at this Alteration: She always before had looked upon me with Indifference, and Hatred; and indeed few old Maids, I have since observed, are remarkably fond of Children. However, as I did not want Penetration, I soon discovered that it was my Flattery which had gained her Favour; and now it was that I resolved to make Flattery the ruling Principle of my Conduct, in future Life.

When my Father thought me of a proper Age to go to School, he put me to one of those Schools in which Youth are qualified for, in short, every Thing you can mention. A School I should not call it: The refined Ideas of the Master looked upon this as too gross an Appellation; and therefore, to prevent Mistakes, he had inscribed over the Portal of his Mansion, in large golden Letters, "The Academy." To return from the Digression, at my Academy I soon found that the Art of tickling was not unknown to my Teachers. Whenever my Cousin Tom, or my good Aunt Deborah, came to see me, and inquire, as their Way is, how I went on, they were sure to hear, in the most extravagant Terms, of all my good Qualities. The Usher observed, "that Master Billy was the finest young Youth that ever he set his Eyes on." My Mistress chucked me under the Chin, and said, "It has got a pretty Face of its own, bless it." My Master, patting me on the Head, and looking earnestly at me, used to cry, "It really is surprising, such a Proficiency in so short a Time! But Nature has been partial; and to be sure I take a great Deal of Pains with him, that I do, and the Child takes vastly to his Book." These, and many other Endearments, were given to me whenever my Friends paid me a Visit; but, alas! after the vast Ideas I had been taught to form of myself, my Friends were no sooner gone than I sunk to the Condition of another Boy. Notwithstanding my great Talents, my Beauty, and all the Praises which had been lavished upon me, poor I underwent the Correction of the Rod, and was called Dunce from Morning till Night.

I comforted myself as well as I could; nor indeed had I much Reason to grieve, since my Friends were pleased, though deceived; and I got Half a Crown, when otherwise I should have got but Sixpence, and perhaps only a Kiss and a Farewell.

My Master's Flattery succeeded so well that I was confirmed in the Principle which I had been led into by my Aunt, my Nurse, &c. I therefore resolved to try my Skill among my School Fellows. I soon found my Schemes succeed to Admiration, but then I was obliged to use a great Deal of Address in conducting them. My Way was to discover their ruling Passions and Inclinations. I never commended the surly Boy for his good Nature, but I commended him for that which he took Pride in, his Gravity and Austerity. I never praised the idle Fellow for his Diligence and Learning: No, those he despised; but I praised him for his Vivacity and Gaiety. In a Word, I always tickled the Place which was most ticklish. Wherever I found Vanity, I fed her plenteously. The Advantages I enjoyed by this Conduct are innumerable; each Individual looked upon me as his particular Friend. Indeed I had endeavoured, by my Flatteries, to make him look upon me as such; consequently, in all Disputes, both Parties readily consented to refer the Points in Controversy to my Arbitration, each imagining I had a particular Bias to himself. Thus I enjoyed a Superiority over all my Fellows, which gratified my Pride not a little. I was beloved and caressed by all; no Tales were told of me. I must own that I learned a great Deal of Wisdom at School; not from my Book (there, to my Shame be it spoken, I was a Dunce) my Wisdom was not the Wisdom of the speculative Philosopher, but that of the worldly wise Man.

I always considered a School as the Copy of the World. All the Vices and Follies of the great Original are there painted in Miniature. Though the Picture is small, the Characters are drawn to the Life. I was now at the Eve of launching into the great Ocean of the World, and I pleased myself with the Thoughts of being possessed of a Secret that would steer my little Bark clear of every Rock. I had been told, from my Cradle, that I should be a Soldier. Escaped from School, I thought the happy Time was arrived at length. How transported was I with the Thoughts of wearing a Sword and a red Coat! But, besides these, I had more substantial Allurements: I thought the military Profession would open to me the most ample Field for the Exertion of that Genius for Adventure which I perceived within me. In the Midst of my anticipated Bliss, O Grief of Griefs! my Father bound me Apprentice to a Tradesman in Cheapside. After some Time, however, I acquiesced in my Condition.

But how fallen was I! all the Schemes which I had formed for the Conduct of my Life, and even my golden Art of tickling, now seemed to vanish. I had Nothing now to do, I imagined, but plod behind the Counter. I found myself wrong in these Reflexions. Flattery was grown natural to me, and Nature will not be entirely stifled. Our Customers consisted chiefly of Females. This Circumstance gave me some Hope. Downright Flattery, from One in my Station, I knew would savour too much of Familiarity; I was therefore obliged to act with great Circumspection. While I was handing down a Drawer, or a Box, I used to observe, in a faultering Tone of Voice, "that such a Pattern, or such a Colour, would be very pretty for a Lady who wanted to set off a bad Skin; but you, Madam, are—how do you like this, Ma'am?" This never failed; the Lady was tickled, turned towards the Glass, adjusted her Cap, stuck a Pin, and bought the Pattern on the Strength of my Recommendation.

By such Methods I fixed fugitive Customers, pleased constant Ones, increased my Master's Trade, and did no Harm to any Body.

Seven Years passed away in this Manner. I forbear to relate every Particular of my History during that Space of Time, as there would be very little Variety in the Relation. Suffice it to say, that the old Trick never failed. But after the Expiration of my Apprenticeship my Aunt Deborah died, and left me a very pretty Legacy, sufficient to set me up in Trade. Thanks to my divine Art! I had almost forgot to tell you that she died an old Maid, notwithstanding her pretty Nose and white Hands.

I took a Shop, and furnished it. One Piece of Furniture was still wanting, without which, as the Saying is, One is never rightly settled. In Truth, I wanted a Wife; and a Wife I was resolved to have. In my Amours, I must confess that I offered up Incense to the Shrine of Plutus, as well as that of Cupid. After some Time, I got Scent of a good wealthy Widow. She was somewhat advanced in Life. As for the Lady's Person, that was her least Recommendation. However, I perceived, after a very slight Acquaintance with her, that she was one of those who did not give the most implicit Credit to Looking Glasses. I knew how to proceed accordingly: I swore that her Eyes were irresistible; that her Cheeks were more blooming than the Rose. I swore, but (to avoid Prolixity) after a short Courtship, I won the Lady, and ten Thousand Pounds.

I lived happy in my new State, but cruel Fate denies a long Continuance of Bliss: My Wife died. Peace to her Shade! I am married again, and to this Day enjoy the Company of my dear Partner. I won my present Deary's Heart by praising her Eyes. The Conquest cost me my Sincerity; but let that be a Secret.

I pass over a Million of Adventures, in which I exerted my adulatory Talent with Success. To hasten to the last, and to me the most interesting, in the Course of my Trade: I scraped an Acquaintance with an old Square Toes, who was one of those rich Men who accumulate immense Sums Nobody knows how. I resolved to sound the Breast of this new Friend; there was no Need of searching deep to discover that Avarice had long swallowed up every other Vice, Passion, and Appetite. This Discovery gave me my Cue. I raked up all the Remarks which I had heard in Sermons, and in Conversations with Brother Tradesmen, on the Subject of Frugality and Temperance. On these I declaimed on every Occasion. I talked of the exorbitant Price of every Necessary of Life, and complained of the Luxury and Extravagance of the Age. One Day, as I was running on at this Rate, he got up from his Chair, and with a Vehemence not common to Men of that frigid Disposition, which it is necessary to have in Order to be a Miser, slapped me on the Shoulders, and swore, "I was the honestest, prudenteft, sensiblest Fellow, he ever met with." In a few Weeks the old Hunks died, and bequeathed his Fortune to me.

Thus I have acquired an ample Fortune; thus I have passed my Life free from those Animosities which an envious and contentious Disposition never fails to foment; thus I have gained the Love and Esteem of all I knew. My Art of tickling has made me happy, and I flatter myself it has made others so. I have increased the Happiness of all who have fallen within the Circle of my Acquaintance, by gratifying their Vanity.

Wherever I was able, I have thrown an Ingredient into the bitter Cup of Life, which never fails to sweeten it, namely, Self Applause. Yet, I confess, I have often done this at the Expense of Truth. I confess; Confession is a Sign of Repentance, and Repentance claims Forgiveness.

Being now above Dependence, to expiate my Crime I have taken the Resolution to give the Tribute of Praise only where it is due.

TICKLER.