The Virginia Gazette

From the London Magazine.

Criss-Cross-Row, Sept. 6.

Gentlemen,

The 24 Letters being lately convened at this Place, Ordered me (their Secretary) to read them a very odd Paragraph, inserted in some of the publick Papers, viz.

On Tuesday last, between nine and ten o'Clock, a Man that lives near Oxford Market, ty'd a Rope to a Cart in the Market, and thereby tuck'd himself up.

Some of the Butchers seeing him hang, cut him down, and finding him not dead, they beat him severely with the Rope, till he came to his Senses.

On this Article of News the following Remarks were made.

A. Asked if the Man was married? For his Supposal was, that nothing could be more likely to make a Man hang himself than Matrimony.

B. Began with interrupting the Words between nine and ten, to signify between nine and ten at Night; and then told us, that the poor Man being married, and having before his Eyes the Fear of the Devil and a curtain Lecture, chose rather to hang himself than go to Bed to his Wife.

C. Concluded to send this unfortunate Man to The Advertiser at Rathmell Coffee-House.

D. Dogmatically accounted for the Strangeness of the Fact, that he hang'd himself in a Market-place, and ty'd a Rope to a Cart: For, says he, he did not dare, even to hang himself in his own House.

E. Endeavoured to prove, that no married Man could safely call the House his own, which was sometimes too hot to hold him.

F. Freely took on him to fall foul upon the Phrase tuck'd himself up; that it was a ludicrous Expression, inconsistent with the Gravity of a daily Historian.

G. Being a great Geographer, let us know, that Oxford Market was situate in Tyburn Road.

Which modern Vertuosi Say,
Inclines to hanging every way.

H. Held it very heinous, that they should cut the Man down, and bring him to his Senses, in case he was a married Man.

I. Instantly declared, that being beaten with a Rope, with which a Man had taken some Pains to hang himself, was exactly the same Case, as being harassed with a Wife, which a Man had taken some Pains to marry.

K. Keenly replied, that the Butchers of Oxford-Market were the best Mad Doctors in the World; since they by only beating the Man with a Rope, soon brought him to his Senses.

L. Learnedly observ'd, that the News Writer could never truly affirm that the Man was come to his Senses, except his Wife was dead; Nam sublata causa tollitur effectus.

M. Being Musically inclin'd, entertained us with a Song.

Of all the Plagues beneath the Sun,
To Love's the greatest Curse:
If one's deny'd, then he's undone;
If not, 'tis ten times worse.

Poor Adam by his Wife ('tis known)
Was trick'd some Years ago;
But Adam was not trick'd alone,
For all his Sons are so

Lovers the Strangest Fools are made,
When they their Nymphs pursue
Which they will ne'r believe 'till Wed,
But then they find it true.

They beg, they pray, and they implore,
Till wearied out of Life:
And pray what's all this Trouble for?
Why truly for a Wife.

Each Maid's an Angel while he's woo'd,
But when the Wooing's done,
The Wife, instead of Flesh and Blood,
Proves nothing but a Bane.

A Wife (all Men of Learning know)
Was Tantalus's Curse;
The Apples, that did tempt him so,
Were nought but a Divorce.

The Liver of Prometheus,
A gnawing Vulture fed:
The Moral of the Tale was thus,
The poor old Man was wed.
When first the channels empty nooks,
With wooing does begin:
Far better he might beg the stocks,
That they would let him in.
Yet for a lover we may say;
He wears no cheating phiz;
Tho' others looks do oft betray,
He looks like what he is.
Each lover's like a wretched ass,
Surely he needs no curse:
He wishes he may wed his lass,
No soul can wish him worse.

N. a notorious scribbler, was for ending the remarks and song to your society.
O. open'd his mouth in approbation of this proposal.
The abovesaid gentlemen, were the only speakers to the point in question.
For, P, Q, R, S, T, U, W, X, Y, Z, being all married men, hung down their heads, and had nothing to say for themselves.

I am, yours,
And per se and.